Bender-O-Rama

[crimsons]

Well, I did it again. I live in a beach community well-known for its wonderful bars. Plus, I'm self-employed so I have no schedule or accountability. Therefore, I can show up at the local dive when it opens at 8 am, and no one even blinks. It's all walking distance.

My MO is, as far as I can tell, more about finding company than booze. When it lasts multiple days, it is mostly about hair-of-the-dogness to medicate the hangover. This weekend, though, I missed out on hanging out with a young, handsome guy (yes, probably leading in that direction) because I knew it would be clear that I reeked of cheap wine. He obviously likes me, but I ended up instead hanging out with a very nice, also handsome, businessman from back east. Plus I got nothing done and my apartment looks like a cavewoman lives here. Astonishingly, I do not quite yet look like a cavewoman, but it's gotta be coming.

I have been to AA, and although I can see every meeting is different, it didn't really float my boat. Also, I'm a little concerned about it not being quite anonymous enough. I also would like to moderate -- and the problem does seem to be more about boredom and loneliness than the substance.

I do have a couple of things going for me. The first is that I'm enrolled in a wonderful nutrition and exercise program where we do circuit training 2x/day. I'm thinking it might be a good idea for me to talk to the PhD group leader about my alcohol abuse. Two other girls in the circuit training class have a similar issue and we're sharing. But because I'm so embarrassed about my hungover state, I haven't been attending or a week or so.

The other thing I'm planning is to enroll in one or two weeks at something called the Optimum Health Institute, which prohibits alcohol (isn't a rehab), puts you on a strict vegan diet with a couple of days' juice fast. I'm hoping this might break this ridiculous cycle I'm in. A ot of people seem to use it to jump-start healthy habits.

My mom had a very serious drinking problem (she's 90, maybe she's pickled!) and she also didn't like AA but is urging me to go off somewhere and re-start myself. At 70, she just quit. Just quit, and that was it. I went through several traumatic events in the last year, and I just haven't been able to get myself back on track. Throughout life, I've been very disciplined and organized. Not now. And sometimes I think I'm spreading myself too thin by asking for help from too many different sources.

Today I'm resting it off in the morning, having a massage at noon and meeting a girlfriend tonight for dinner and a jazz show. And yes, I am having a small amount of hair of the dog. My thinking is to stick to no AL tonight tho.

I'm really interested to hear any suggestions you guys have. I would kind of hate to avoid the happy hour scene forever, but perhaps I need to set limits, have a temporary abs? I've met so many great people -- it's an unusual area. Anyway, I'm all ears.

[coalfire]

Bender-O-Rama

Hi crimson. How are you? You sound like you have quite an enviable lifestyle in some ways so you certainly have a lot to live for. I had to go back and read your post 2 or 3 times to get a sense of the extent of your problem. You say "and the problem does seem to be more about boredom and loneliness than the substance." You also then mention AA. Am I right in thinking that you havent really reached a decision about whether or not you are an alcoholic yet? A lot of MWO members join with the same level of indecision. What many of them do is start off in the moderation section. They usually set up a moderation experiment say eg 3 months where they attempt to keep to a tight moderation schedule and then review the situation then. Some use willpower alone others use a combination of supplements and meds eg Topa. Thats how MWO was formed in the first place-by a lady who did just that.You might want to take a look at the sinclair method which uses the drug naltrexone one hour strictly before drinking to help you cut down your amount of alcohol. There are threads on it in the meds section and the sinclair people have their own
website as well. For many(most) of us though these experiments failed and we had to make the decision that abstinence was the only way. My advice would be to make a start on your plan. You have got to find out sooner or later whether moderation is a viable way for you. There is no point going to AA one night and to the bar the next-you would only be stressing yourself to bits!

[Doggygirl]

Bender-O-Rama

Hi Crimsons. I used to think my alcoholic level drinking was not actually alcoholism, but boredom, lonliness, rebellion, shitty circumstances, etc. etc. I always thought that when I changed jobs or moved to various places all around the US that things would get better.

Well, they didn't get better. As a matter of fact, they got progressively worse. Until I couldn't stand the idea of living without alcohol, and couldn't stand the idea of living with it. All I wanted to do was kill myself.

My denial ran really deep.

Have you set limits for yourself before? Did it work? What do you think will be different this time?

Have you said to yourself before "I'm not going to drink today" but then you did?

You say you drink out of a desire for companionship, yet you say you blew off spending time with a nice guy because you were too hungover? Is it companionship you seek in a bar at 8AM?

I only feel qualified to challenge on these points because I have been there done that with ALL of them, including living (and drinking - a lot) in a beach community in bars within walking distance at 8AM.

I too found it difficult to imagine giving up AL. Couldn't imagine life without happy hour.

I didn't have a choice. I am addicted to alcohol so a little bit just leaves my brain screaming for more. I am not able to control it just because I want to.

This may or may not be the case for you. Just sharing a bit of what I went through - at least part of which sounds very familiar.

I wish you well on your journey!

DG

[crimsons]

Bender-O-Rama

Hi Guys, thanks for your comments! I am very aware that I probably am in denial, could see that as I was typing my comments. And both of you have great points. I'm going to first try to reset using this residential super-health place. And then I will look the demon in his big green eye and confront the truth. 'Cause what I'm doing now makes no sense at all.

[Lavande]

Bender-O-Rama

Hi Crimsons,

Have you tried going the 30 days Af just to see how you feel, physically, mentally & emotionally?
I joined MWO hoping to learn to moderate myself but by the time 30 days rolled around I just knew that I had to stop kidding myself & stay off the juice forever. Once I made that major decision, life just got easier. My life is not perfect, many things have happened since that were not in my control but I can choose to handle those things without the 'help' of AL

I wish you the best!
Lav

[rubywillow]

Bender-O-Rama

Crimson, I'd like to know where in this world you are? Sound like our closest beach city, on the Gulf of Mexico. It's completely a party town. My brother owns a house there, and though he has always been terribly judgemental of me (yes, I earned the honor!) He, his wife, his 2 adult kids do the same thing. They can tell you all about the party scene in their vacation area. I'm a mountain person, but my cabin is in a resort town , where OktoberFest is the biggest tourist draw. So we avoid it.
Modding brought me here 3 years ago. For most it IS a dream. Once we cross the line, we can't go back. We have to finally come to understand that as fact. Young people like you have a much harder time with that, and I always suggest the old saying, One Day At A Time. It's too large to think otherwise. You seem to living in a risky way, considering all the things that can happen to us today, but please don't take that as criticism. It's YOUR life, and you've obviously been working on making safe choices. But honey, take it from me, now is the best time in your life to think about WHY you do WHAT you do. We don't have to change anything, we have to change EVERYTHING!

[Guest]

Bender-O-Rama

Hey Crimson

I also used to drink for 'company', I'd go to the pub to hang out, read the paper and eat. Anything to get my out of the house, and with other people - even if these were often the type who were not good for me. Eventually it wasn't safe for me to drink away from home, and I lost interest in others so drank at home. Something I said I wouldn't do.

The other glaring thing is your mention of healthy regimes you have joined. So much of what is written or said in AA is so true, whether or not you eschew their 'system'. I'm sure Doggygirl will be able to provide an accurate quote for this, but in the Big Book there is a passage all about ways in which we tried to get sober -but failed. These include health farms, swearing off drink, making promises to ourselves, using incentives etc etc. These are all external and avoid having a real deep look at ourselves. I used to use all sorts of reasons for being sober - stuff like travelling on my own, learning to drive, getting my licence back, signing up for study courses, joining a new gym. Anything to avoid looking at myself as a person. I hear others using similar reasons such as "Starting a new job", or "I've just lost my job and can't afford it". These are certainly motivations, but not reasons to quit.

One thing AA does have to offer you is company, even if you get nothing else from it.

[crimsons]

Bender-O-Rama

Hi Guys, I'm hearing you loud and clear. And I'm NOT young -- I'm 51! I'm a slow study.

[Doggygirl]

Bender-O-Rama

I was 50 when I had my last drink. Don't tell anyone though. Around here, we are all 29. That's our story and we're stickin' to it.

DG