A minefield

[ATLThrash]

Well it is once again time for my husband's annual St Pat's party for his buddies. Since St Pat's is during the week it is tomorrow. I arrange all the food and drink for them. I have for 6 years. Last year I had just found MWO when the party hit. I did okay and overall the year was pretty good. Had a bad spot and went in patient not for the drink but anxiety-- which I knew could lead to drink. Despite getting off of or hardly drinking in the past year in many ways because of the anxiety I feel as if many things have not changed since the last party. I told my hubby that if they did not I did not want to have the party (it is his gig but I do it all for him)-- he thinks that the drink was the main reason I said that-- of course that had to be controlled and it is still as you all know a battle daily for anyone stopping-- but I still have lots of areas to work on. Being at a boozefest that I host is not helpful at all. When I was in the in patient he started the process for the party plan-- starting inviting folks and getting a caterer etc with all my old notes. He is a dear man and is very kind and supportive but he does not suffer from anxiety or depression and though his parents are both alcoholics he does not think that there is any issue here. We have talked about it many times and the bottom line is that I just have to be the one that set my limits-- he does not force or encourage me-- but with things like this party (80 people!!) he is putting me in a vulnerable position. I brought up that I did not want to have this party after I got back from rehab-- and he basically told me that everyone was invited, it was planned and he works hard and wants it so I needed to get through the day. I know at this late time I can do nothing about it but I feel very ignored and unimportant-- that I had stated i did not want it but he is going with it and expecting me to be hostess. Now my reasons for not wating it to happen are more that I am very down on my appearance and anxious-- and unlike not drinking which if you are not doing it day by day is an instant accomplishment-- I cannot look better right off it. It is all a vestige of the Al and anxiety from the past years-- I am working hard but still feel very fragile with it. There is nothing to be done I know but I feel very down about it all. Now I feel as if because I do not work anymore and earn our living (I used to earn more than my husband before we had our child and I retired in part to care for him) that I basically have no say at all in decisions-- for example, I asked him not to go to a hockey match tonight because I am feeling very tired from allergies and need to rest since I cleaned the home and got it all fancy for tomorrow-- and he pulled the " I work hard all week and love hockey so I want to go" thing on me. I know I no longer log 80 hours a week as a lawyer but I work 24/7 with the home and our child-- it may take no brain at all to many but it does leave you tired at times! Sorry to go on-- but there is no one I can turn to-- I feel as if any issue I have is supposed to be solved after one appointment or 2 weeks in rehab-- that is how folks act-- and I think it makes me just hide what is wrong and not want to get help. At least when I was in my early 30s and had a serious physical illness people did not expect I would be all better and feel great after one radiation treatment or medication round. And though AL is not the issue it once was for me-- I am mindful that at any time it could be-- but the way all of it is treated seems sure to place us in a private dark hell.

[fluff]

A minefield

Why don't you just go on a mini-getaway and let your husband handle the whole thing?
Sounds like it's just for his buddies, anyway? Even if you just visit a family member or get away with some girlfriends- let him take care of the rest. It's really not fair for you to be doing all this- especially for 80 people? Tell him exactly what you just said here- then tell him he needs to get a baby sitter because you need some time away. I know you love your husband- but he is not seeing what's going on with you. I know it's last minute but just get away or feign you are not feeling well.

[ATLThrash]

A minefield

Fluff--there have been so many times when I have really not felt well that to feign illness might put us in a worse place. He thinks I am really doing well-- and with the drink I guess I am but it does not stop the thoughts in my mind about it etc-- and other issues of course. With this event I don't want to drop a bomb on him-- though I feel like he did it to me by even deciding to have it. But I do think that it is not the time to go tit for tat with him. The thing is important to him. I wish I had something outward that is a fun event that was as important to me. With him going to the hockey game tonight I really cannot lay much of a foundation for anything but getting through it as I am taking care of our child. The caterers get here at 10 a.m tomorrow-- the party is from noon until 4 (but his friends stay until 8 or 9-- I had to change into pajamas last year to get them out). I don't want to sound mean but I have a feeling that after this is over that I may just unload on him-- I do not want to-- it was not how I was raised and I do not begrudge him his fun- but he looks to me to implement his fun and entertainment and I do understand that he is not an alcoholic or headcase so he feels as if he should be able to have his fun at this time. I guess white knuckling it may be my option now-- perhaps i can log on during the party-- 2 of my dear law school chums are coming and I intend to talk to them the whole time I can-- and not deal with his drinking (but nice) buddies! Not my time to be hostess with the mostest!

[Evey]

A minefield

Hi ATL,

That is awful, that he would expect you to host such a big alcohol filled event. It's seems like he lacks a real compassion or understanding for what you have gone through and what you are still going through. I would agree with the previous poster and recommend letting him host the party, but I understand it is tomorrow. As far as your appearance, we are our own worst critics. Good luck tomorrow and hang in there. I hope that you have some friends or family to help you out and that you someone to lean on.

[Evey]

A minefield

Hi ATL,

That is awful, that he would expect you to host such a big alcohol filled event. It's seems like he lacks a real compassion or understanding for what you have gone through and what you are still going through. I would agree with the previous poster and recommend letting him host the party, but I understand it is tomorrow. As far as your appearance, we are our own worst critics. Good luck tomorrow and hang in there. I hope that you have some friends or family to help you out and that you have someone to lean on. :l

[ATLThrash]

A minefield

I guess until you go through it no one can really know what it is like--like many men he was raised not to talk about problems, just to solve them. He has helped with depression and as for the drink and other issues-- I think his view is that we have discussed them and what good will it do to discuss them more? I sometimes have to remember that until I went through the drinking issues I could never understand how someone could just not stop and not be bothered by it. I suppose there is no reason to harp on it here or with him-- the fact is I am alone and there are no friends or family that I can turn to on this-- if I had them I probably would not have sought MWO. My hub is the only person other than a doctor who knows any of it and the brutal truth is that in this instance-- it appears he does not care. The party is happening and I guess I can just get over it. I feel like I swallow how I feel alot lately about things which is likely why my anxiety is so strong-- all of the thoughts and feelings have nowhere to go but to churn in my brain. After it is over I suppose I can explain how I feel but to do it to him when he comes home from his outing probably would not do much except get me upset and not change the outcome. Surely if he looked at it objectively-- even if I did not have issues going on with drink etc-- I am with a child on a Friday night while he is out having a good time , the night before another good time is planned on his behalf. That really does not sound to me like things are even exactly...he needn't sit here and be miserable but for him to not even think of that-- oh well-- I better just go to bed. If I had my way I would sleep for the next 2 days to avoid it all!

[Guest]

A minefield

ATL

This must be so difficult for you, and could cause resentment to build up that could lead you to drink. The only thing I can suggest is that you do what you want today, whatever it is to keep you sober. Perhaps find a quiet place you can go to and read, or watch a film, listen to some music, spend time with children. Anything to keep calm and keep your sanity. Just let your husband get on with it, and concentrate on YOUR sobriety.

[ATLThrash]

A minefield

Thanks-- it is 9:30 here-- I wanted to still be in bed even if reading but to be honest my husband is better at writing checks than executing what needs to be done for a huge party so I got up with him and got our son in his little St Pat's duds and moved the furniture as it needed to be and got out tubs for his beers putting towels under them (he would not have thought of that and every wood surface would be wrecked) My face is beginning to break out like a teen from worrying. I guess I will let it go after this is over but after a little time has passed I will tell him that this party was hurtful to me and I do not want to do it again. If for nothing else-- I could have taken the mass amounts of money being spent on it and had a personal trainer for 3 months to try to meet one of my goals. I am hacked but better to just get on wioth today-- hopefully they will leave when 4 comes and not stay all night!

[Evey]

A minefield

Atl, Sending you wishes of strength for you to get through the day. After everything has settled, I hope you get the chance to talk to your husband and that he starts to asborb how you are feeling. If he is your main or only support system, it's really important that he takes in the severity of your anxiety and the stress that you are feeling. Some people don't understand that it takes a lot of expressing your thoughts for the situation to get better. If you don't get it out, it gets worse. Hopefully, he listens to your feelings and starts responding in his actions. It's all easier said than done, I know. I have really bad problems with anxiety but I probably overly express myself to my spouse which isn't too good either. However, it seems like, he really needs to start understanding that he can't throw all this stuff on you, especially when you are going through a tough time.

Breathe today. Focus on keeping yourself as calm as possible. Hang out with your law school buddies like you said and stay away from his drinking buddies as much as possible. Keep in your head, that you don't have to do this event again and that's it's really pretty amazing that you were willing and able to do it. But after today, you've done your share of events for him and the focus needs to turn to you.

[ATLThrash]

A minefield

Thanks-- the caterers are here and I am about to throw myself in the shower. I have made a few snide comments about the party this morning and I just need to stop-- being pasive aggressive is not going to help-- later I will just say what needs to be said. Surely a party will not wreck our marriage and if it does-- well that woudl be telling too!

[Kimberley]

A minefield

I just wanted to say Good Luck ATL. Since the party is going to happen now, there is no point in focussing on the negatives of it all at the moment. Take what you can from it - try to focus on the positives - make yourself look nice, spend time enjoying yourself with your old college friends and enjoy it as much as you can. Discussions about it can be had later if need be.

Let us know how it went and hopefully you can look at resolving the general situation afterwards. For now, congratulate yourself that you are handling this as well as you can and you'll be doinbg it sober. I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you that it goes well.

K x

[RedJib]

A minefield

ATL, what you've written is heartfelt and well expressed. I wonder, though, if you've tried looking at your situation through others' eyes. You describe your husband as inattentive to your needs, or at least placing them secondary to his own wishes and plans. Yet you also said that you recently spent 2 weeks (or more?) at an inpatient rehab facility, "for anxiety," leaving him and at least one young son to sort themselves out in your absence.

Apparently, they did, and your husband went on with planning something which brings him enormous pleasure each year. You clearly knew that you wanted no part of this, yet 'somehow' got involved and felt overburdened by the tasks of planning the event. You're intelligent, insightful, able to express your needs and wants clearly, and yet your tone suggests that this was beyond your control. If you genuinely wanted no part in it, believing it would lead to serious problems for your recovery, I wonder who's really responsible for the situation of how you're feeling today.

I mean no disrespect or lack of support, only to point out that there's a bit of 'it's all about me' behind your projection of discontent, and I wonder if your loved ones feel unfairly blamed.

The 'list' your husband used as his play sheet for planning the event says that you're organized and effective. I hope you can take pleasure in that, and find some joy in the celebration today (sober, of course!) Cheers,
Jib

[prancy]

A minefield

ALT, I have spool been in your situation. Personally, I think what happens is that people who do not have our problems with drinking and anxiety really cannot understand how it feels to be at a big drinking event with them. I go through this with my husband frequently. They just don't get it.
And if you get into too much of a discussion, everyone feels resentful and the whole situation deteriorates.
If I were I. Your place, and obviously, I am not, so this is just a suggestion.....go ahead and get that personal trainer anyway. If your husband can spend money on a big party, unless there is not enough left over, go ahead and spend some on making yourself feel good. I do pilots once a week with a personal trainer and I love it. It is must for me. It can be hard to avoid the poor me feeling, but I find it is far less challenging if you go ahead and do something for you. Go get a nice facial after the party and sign up for a personal trainer to get you started on an exercise plan. Find something that will make you feel good and go do it!

[prancy]

A minefield

That was supposed to read sooooo in your situation. This auto spell comes up with some strange
words sometimes!

[ATLThrash]

A minefield

Red--I am sure you meant no disrespect-- the 2 weeks I spent in rehab I got the sitters for every day wth my son after school until my husband came home and the family help as well. I selected my son's clothes and hung them all with shoes and socks and wrote the schedule for my husband for 2 weeks-- had I stayed longer I guess they would have made due but it was done for them. I had casseroles and groceries for each day-- so I am not really sure that they did a ton of stuff that was extra except yes I was not there to bathe and do homework with my son or to put the food in the oven.. My husband loves our child but the 2 weeks I spent for anxiety issues had to be planned so that I could go-- which I am sure you realize made them very stressful.I did not want to leave the place at all but insurance in large part I think made that decision for me. I had mentioned last year I did not want to do the party. I guess he realized that becauseI do keep notes he could plan it himself. He did . I was surprised and upset since I had said last year I did not want it again. However I guess he felt I was doing well and things had changed. Not sure why he felt that but he did. He works hard and that was his thought. The party is over. I am here-- the people just left (4 hours after the end time) and my child is in the bath. I survived it. Many of them are okay with drinking ridiculously and maybe this is their only time to do so. But it was hell for me. Hub is already talking about how much fun he had-- and since I made the best and was not sullen he thinks I had a grand time. Maybe I will mention it to him but maybe in light of what you wrote I should not-- the issue could well be me--like everything else related to alcohol even recovery has made me doubt my ability to make a decision or express myself.