A minefield

[mama bear]

A minefield

ATL...
they just don't get it, but you need to be able to express your feelings. I exploded one night last week and said alot of things to Hubs and his jaw dropped.....
the next night he came home with some non-alcoholic beer we could drink together....I thought it was a sweet gesture, so maybe he finally heard me.
have a talk with Hubs and really pour your heart out.......best of luck....and I am glad you survived

[ATLThrash]

A minefield

Mama--

I have felt so down today, so awful, it is like i am right back in the middle of the worst of the problem even though I know I am not. I tried to bring it up today and he immediately got defensive-- that I was just saying things because this is the way I react when I am in situtaions with alcohol now-- that I can't or don't act "normal"- whatever that is--I truly believe he thinks that all the alcohol problems were in my mind--maybe because his parents were such big drinkers he does not feel that drinking alot is an issue (he is also a really big tall guy so what he can drink is more than a gal)-- he told me that if I feel so strongly about it that I must be hiding the amount I drank from him in the past-- I don't think I really did but I certainly told him I had a problem and it was a problem to me so that was why I felt that way -- going over how much and when etc at this late date is really only going to make me feel worse but maybe it is necessary. He is gone again playing hockey with the same guys that were here until 8 p.m. last night (from noon!). I guess I will go take my son to the Justin Biebver movie-- he really wants to go again and there is no use thinking of this more now-- I am only getting very upset.

[mollyka]

A minefield

ATL, I have been following this thread - didn't contribute cos funnily it was too close to home in ways! I sympathize with you completely, but I think there may be a couple of issues here. One, the perception that 'normal' drinkers have (why don't you just stop at 3) sort of total lack of understanding, but also I think there is a huge difference between how men and women view things, and indeed handle them. My hubs is actually a really nice man, but can be as dumb as shit about anything that he considers 'touchy feely'. Black is black, white is white and that's it. Finally I think that when we are drinking we are inclined to 'spoil' the people around us, including our spouses to compensate for our drinking and also because - in my case- if my hubs said something was my fault, I knew no different because alcohol had numbed everything.
Since I've become sober I've been through many stages - the latest occurred round last Jan - it's a long story but the outcome was that an enormous rage grew in me towards everything, including myself. I felt I had become a dependent pathetic woman (not for one second saying that you have) and I exploded. I raged and raged at my husband and threatened (and REALLY meant it) to leave him if our 50-50 relationship wasn't restored. My drinking is behind me, so I'm not going to beat myself up anymore. It has caused a seismic shift in our relationship and it was very touch and go for a while - but I truly believe we have come through at the other end. He would never listen to me 'talk' I had to 'shout'.
I would in VERY uncertain terms tell him he can have 20 parties a year if he wants them - but you will have no hand, act, or part of them. You will book into a hotel for the duration and will return afterwards, after a couple of day R and R and you will both be happy - his choice?!!
Best of luck girl, it is hard, but sometimes things have to be spelt out very very clearly for our beloved males
Molly

[ATLThrash]

A minefield

Well-- back from Justin Bieber. I agree that that is probably what is going on with my husband. An I am EXACTLY where you were-- I do feel pathetic. Just worthless. I will have to think of what to do next-- I thought he would beback from playing his game as it is an hour game but he is still there 4 hours after the fact so I guess I have just become too much for him today. I have way too many issues to bother you all or anyone else with--except for my dear little son there is not one thing that seems tolerable many days. Sad but there it is. In some ways I am sure that i have just covered it up with most folks because I feel as if it may never get better. ANd that is the really sad part.

[mollyka]

A minefield

It will get better ATL - really. The longer you are away from the drink the stronger you become. I had forgotten what a strong feisty young woman I was in my 20's, am in my 50's now and I'm that 'girl' again (inside anyhows, deffo not outside :-(), it is incredible how day by day you will get more capable and happier and yeah for a better word - stronger. My thoughts are with you, don't feel you can't come here - it is a super outlet when you're feeling low. Please remember you always have a voice here, and we do care - most of us have been where you are now and really understand
Molly:l