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[tiredofthis]

arsoled again what is the matter with my stupid pathetic head no beer all last week, gets to the weekend and i fook it all up - would apoligise for my swearing but i am past it (sorry) agggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and now its monday feel like sh1t sooooooooo wtf do i do??????? drik what i have left over .. what a tit!!!

[tiredofthis]

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because you are a useless idiot

[Ringing Cedars]

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Hey TOT--absolutely do not drink what's left over. You know that. Down the drain with it. Just knowing you took that little bit of control back will help! Drink lots of water and rest as well as you can. Put some mindless tv on or some music and drift off. Start your new al week tomorrow. Take care.

[tiptronic_ct]

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:H:H:H

Sorry, tired... couldn't help myself...

Don't worry - I regularly talk to myself too...

I guess you need to start with a plan. Have you had a look at the Tool Box Thread yet? You'll find it under Monthly Abstinence - some valuable stuff in there.

[tiptronic_ct]

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Ringing Cedars;1076362 wrote: Hey TOT--absolutely do not drink what's left over. You know that. Down the drain with it. Just knowing you took that little bit of control back will help! Drink lots of water and rest as well as you can. Put some mindless tv on or some music and drift off. Start your new al week tomorrow. Take care.

I typed "TOT" as well and then thought better of it... :H

[one2many]

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TOT, RC is right, it will serve no purpose to drink the rest of the booze, only to make you feel worse.

You managed to be AF all last week so you KNOW you can do it again....let this be day one and remember how shite you feel now...bottle that feeling and the next time a craving comes calling, take it out and remind yourself why you don't want to go back there.

Monday is a great day for a day one.....clean the slate and move on.We have all been where you are...it's what you do now that makes all the difference x

[tiredofthis]

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too late i have had it all feel like sh1t stupid idiot that i am, i need someone here (i mean here where ia m) not AA never done it don't disrespect it in anyway ffs i am so f*ing sick of this sh*tting cycle b*st*ard stupid tit i am wtf is wrong with me

[tiredofthis]

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haha ty tip yes been talkin to my stupid idiot of a self all day geeeez i am such a muppet!

[Ringing Cedars]

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Unfortunately only we can really figure out the why's--and it really helps to get some sober time to do that self analysis. Start now and stop beating yourself up please.

[tiredofthis]

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thanks i will and will try to stop beatin myself up rc just not sure the useless sh1t deserves it

[Ringing Cedars]

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Everyone here believes you deserve it!!! If they don't...well most people know what I would say to that by now. Get some rest. xo

[coalfire]

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There is a lot of self loathing going on here. Here is an article which might give you a different perspective
"We are beginning to understand how addictions start in the brain. The pleasurable or rewarding effects of addictions are mediated in the brain through the release of chemicals such as dopamine [by cocaine, amphetamines, nicotine] or endorphins [heroin] or both [alcohol]. The pleasures are then laid down as deep-seated memories, probably through changes in other neurotransmitters such as glutamate and GABA that make memories. These memories link the location, persons and experiences of the addiction with the emotional effects. These memories are often the most powerfully positive ones the person may ever experience, which explains why addicts put so much effort into getting them again. When the memories re-occur, which is common when people are still using drugs or gambling, as well as when in recovery/abstinence, they are experienced as cravings. These can be so strong and urgent that they lead to relapse."

If you would like to read the full article here it is.Addiction: a life long illness not lifestyle choice ? David Nutt's Blog: Evidence not Exaggeration

[lil.michelle]

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Hunni, wow... it's like looking at myself months ago!

First, an addication is a bloody hard thing to beat or even control. If we all just said, hey, i'm going to stop and it was that easy.. we wouldn't all be here. Unfortunatly.. it's not easy, it's bloody hard and 99.99% of us all go through this, we've all relapsed. Some time, time, time and time again, some not so many but most of us have. Everyone on this site and everyone in the world who truly has an addication has to fight for there life when giving up, it takes EVERY inch of willpower, it takes tears, sweat. We have to the fight the erge, every second of everyday UNTIL you start getting use to living without it, needing it, wanting it. It starts to get easier but it never goes.. oh no no no, it will be with you forever BUT you get stronger, it's DOES get easier and you can control your thoughts and put them to the back of your mind.

Like you, i used to screw up ALL the time. There was nothing i wanted more in life then to quit but i couldn't, i just couldn't. I was losing everyone close to me.. my hubby. my 2 babies, my mum, my dad, my home, my money but i still just couldn't do it. Everytime i used to screw up, i'd hate myself, loath myself SO much i wanted to kill myself. I felt i was worthless, thick, stupid, weak ect ect. I knew i had to go easier on myself when i screwed up as the more i hated myself, the more i'd drink to block it out... terrible circle. So when i relasped, i told myself it was by far NOT ok BUT at least i'm trying.. at least i'm not giving up and i'm getting AF days which i never had before. I'd suck it up, as much as my heart was crumbling, i'd put on a brave happy face even tho i was so hungover i felt like rolling up into a ball and dying or sleeping the day away (as i loathed myself that much i had anxiety attacks in the middle of the night), smile all day, telling myself to brush it off and start again.. Then one day.. it just clicked. I wanted drink but thought of how i'd feel AFTER i sobered up and i just couldn't do it to myself anymore. I couldn't keep waking in the night hating myself like i did, screaming inside, have panic attacks, rolling backwards and forwards as i just couldn;t go on anymore (that was only at night, day was horrible too)

I also never told myself i wouldn't ever drink again.I found that too much to commit too and i'd most likely break it anyway so i just said, i'll stay AF for 30 days, then after 30 i said 60 then i did 90 and so on and so on. I'm now over 4 months sober... if I can do it, you can.

It can be done. YOU can do it but beating yourself up like this is just going to make you to be even lower then you are causing you to turn to the drink. SO.. so what you drunk.. can you take it back.. NO so move on... remeber how you feel and use it next time you want that drink! You're learning how to live again WITHOUT something to numb every possible emtion you have.. just remember that!

[coalfire]

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Excellent post michelle." i just couldn't do it to myself anymore"-michelle

I love that sentence. Its not really that the burden gets lighter. Its that our backs get stronger.

[Ringing Cedars]

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Good morning tiredofthis. Hope you're feeling better today. No words of wisdom just wishing you well and encouragement.