Dating and Abstaining

[lolo1234]

Hey all,
I'm pretty new to these boards. Without going into my whole history with alcohol in this post I just wanted to share that 1) I am currently abstaining 2) I plan on abstaining for 90 days 3) I don't know what comes after that.

Anyhow one of the things I'm ALREADY starting to worry about it is dating while abstaining. I really wish I was still married right now because I wouldn't have had to worry about this. I just don't know what to tell a potential date about my situation. ANd honestly, I worry about looking like some weird goody two shoes. I have taken a break from dating and am happy being single for the moment but I know one day I will want to get back out there. And how does one do that being A/F? Honestly this is my only concern at the moment. Aside from this I am totally comfortable not drinking amongst friends and family. My good friends aren't big drinkers, thank goodness.

Thanks people! BTW, I love this board so far! Great group of supportive and non-judgemental people!

[mario]

Dating and Abstaining

Hi and welcome lolo 1234 to mwo,
Good for you for going for 90 days,it can be tough but well worth it,and when completed you can decide what avenue you want to go down.
You dont have to tell any potential date about anything its not as usual as you might think that you dont drink,Take it one day at a time and deal with the situations as they arise,until then enjoy your new found freedom,there is a tool thread in monthly abstainers maybe drop in there. goodluck.

[rebirth]

Dating and Abstaining

Hi lolo,

It really depends how you feel around people who drink. If you feel uncomfortable with it then dating someone who is a heavy drinker will only cause friction. I could not be with someone who likes getting drunk or who drinkes heavily so this kind of relationship wouldnt work for me. I personally would let that person know straight away..it's like being a smoker, or having children.

Good luck. x

[jane jane]

Dating and Abstaining

Hi, Lolo, and welcome!

Mario's right---it's not going to seem that strange to anyone. And goodness, it's not necessary to "tell all" on a first---or even second or third---date! Here's what I'd do:

1) If you have a date before Easter, just say you gave it up for Lent! (well,that won't work if you're Jewish or atheist, I guess?

2) Make up a bulletproof story, such as, "I'm on a 30-day super-strict health kick---I have a physical scheduled and I want to be really 'pure' for it---you know, cholesterol, weight, and so forth. (NO need to mention 'liver function'!! This'll buy you 30 days, anyway, and after that, you can say,

3) "You know? I've kind of lost my taste for the stuff. Weird, huh? But you go right ahead."

Now, the above would be fine, if you go out with the person a couple of times, then decide he's not your dream guy. If, however, he DOES seem to have potential for getting serious about, well, that's when you can reveal a little bit more. Choose your time wisely, when maybe he's shared a personal insight or problem with you. At that point, go with your instinct, and if it feels right, and you trust that he's a genuinely good guy, go for it: tell him, "You know, I wasn't perfectly truthful when we first started seeing each other, and there's something that I want you to know." Then, forthrightly and simply, tell him that you decided that you couldn't handle alcohol, and decided to abstain for a long term.
NO NEED, I repeat, NO NEED to go into gruesome detail about blackouts, DUIs, early-morning drinking---I mean, why scare him off at this point?

Rehearse answering some questions you might be asked:

HIM: "So, will this be temporary, or forever? Do you think you'll have a glass or two of wine at some point in the future?"

YOU: "You know, I'm not sure! I'll see how I feel after my abstinence experiment is over!" (Even though you may secretly know you'll abstain forever, this buys you some time.)

HIM: "Don't you miss it?"

YOU: "Not really, surprisingly!" (Okay, this might be a bald-faced lie, but having told it, you'll be extra-motivated not to slip!)

HIM: "So just how much did you drink before quitting?"

YOU: "More than *I* needed to, but a lot less than some people." (This is probably true for everyone other than skid-row bottom-outers. If he presses further, I'd ask him why details are that important to him---and ask him if he's ever felt the need to scale back himself---get him talking about himself, not you, to deflect.)

Lots of people don't drink, for a thousand reasons besides alcoholism. And bottom line is, what you do (abstain) is your own business, and you absolutely owe NOBODY any information that does not affect them. Any date who would find you "un-fun" because you don't get looped is not someone you should be with, as a problem drinker, anyway.

[lolo1234]

Dating and Abstaining

Thanks Jane

Thanks Jane Jane Some really awesome advice in there. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply!! :h

[nancy]

Dating and Abstaining

lightweight

i think for women a good thing to say and which is totally believeable is that you are a complete lightweight and even one goes right to your head. If the relationship lasts then you can tell the truth later on.Hopefully you are small and the excuse will work better.

[jane jane]

Dating and Abstaining

Good one, Nancy!

I was thinking about this some more, and it occurred to me that some here might think that my advice to Lolo was extremely phony, that "honesty is the best policy" and all that.

I'd amend that to "selective honesty": there are definitely some people one should NOT lie to: one's doctor, one's significant other, one's priest (during confession), one's SELF...but mere dates, even after a few weeks, don't qualify: what if he's a great fellow in every way EXCEPT that he's got a big mouth?

I have a good friend who made the mistake of "telling all" to a new boyfriend, and after they broke up, he went around saying he didn't want to be with someone who "might relapse at any time." Good riddance to him, for sure, but my friend wonders how many potential dates she lost because of his indiscretion (they kind of moved in the same social set). And this wasn't some young jerk of a guy---he's in his 40s! (So he's a middle-aged jerk0

[nancy]

Dating and Abstaining

honesty?

I don't see the need to talk about that until you get closer to someone. And really someone who knows you and loves you will accept it a lot more.

But Jane if you want something that is honest. You could say I don't drink much, don't tolerate it that well. or just: I don't drink very much, don't like the way it makes me feel. Maybe rarely on speical occasions. That is true for the moment at least. I think women have more leeway for abstaining. He might look up to for it. Must be hard on men.

Perfectly socially acceptable. Only problem is if you date a heavy drinker who expects it and in that case: RUN.

[coalfire]

Dating and Abstaining

You could say you only drink at weddings and holidays until you see how things pan out between you. If its real love then the whole weddings/holidays thing will be easier to deal with later on. I would keep it light for now. Its your own private business and he could disappear after a week or so. You dont want him to head off with all your private info.