Where do I start? (SOS)

[InChains]

I am somewhat scared of saying what the reason for my questioning is, surrounded by people who fight for sobriety and to control their addictions but I'm hoping that perhaps finally I will find somebody who at some point at least thought like me. I believe alot of the failure in my attempts at sobriety may have been caused by one simple fact: There is a part of me that wants to be addicted. To anything. Not just drinking, but smoking and I'm pretty sure if i had more money then it'd be drugs too. I feel like a part of me is sick to think this way, but even when I am in the depths of another downward spiral a part of me wants to push on to reach the end (whatever that may be.) I have told only a small number of people in the past and have generally met with apalled faces and alot of anger for this.

So the question really is where do i start to try and recover from this when a part of me wants it? I can't even contemplate abstaining completely right now, my head is too messed up. Moderating? As soon as I start stopping is the furthest thing from my mind. If there is anybody who can give me advice then please, do. This is my S.O.S. I can't keep on like this, my world is falling apart of late, and for the life of me (perhaps literally) I cannot find a way to make it stop.

Thank you for not judging me

[Shiner]

Where do I start? (SOS)

Hello.. Just wanted to tell you again hello. I am not in alot of shape to tell you how to do it.. I will say the best advice that I have received is to take it day by day.. second by second.... Latch on to the great people of this website and find someone you can trust and lean on.... I wish you luck.. I'm just starting but I can tell you after 7 days af... I feel so good. I have been drinking pretty much every day for the last 15 or so years... It can be done... You have to take the tools here and the support and make your own path.. You can do it... I'm sure alot of people will be along soon to offer their advice... Good Luck and I hope to see you around alot...
Shiner

[startingover]

Where do I start? (SOS)

Hi there In Chains. Welcome back.
I think I get what you mean when you say you want to be addicted. I always wanted something to act as a crutch for each and every occasion and I felt I knew where I was where drink, drugs or addictive behaviour was, because I wanted it, and to want something almost felt like being more alive. Not sure if I am explaining myself well, but just wanted to say I think I get what you mean.

Not sure what advice to give you, for me its been a long process of stop starting and soul searching, but I havent had a drink for almost 3 years now and it really is the best.
Stick around, read and post. That really does help.

[lil.michelle]

Where do I start? (SOS)

I think that for the majority of people with addication, the addiction becomes our safety net, our best buddies, our one source of happiness, the one thing we can turn to and itll never let us down...and when we realise that hang on.. This isn't right and we have a problem the actual addiction can play with our mind, our thoughts ect ect. It can grab us so bad that we're sooo used to being a failure or a mess up we'd happily turn to another addiction to give us that 'warm safe feeling'. When you start to break the addiction it will be like stripping layers off and you'll feel naked almost, bearing all, uncomfortable in your own skin until you come to terms that actually the addiction to whatever, is not safe, is not your best pal and wanted nothing more then to see you dead in a gutter. Its a scary thought for most people. Only until then will you feel differently about wanting addictions. It's just a great way for you to hide from your truths, blame it on the addiction... But what happens when there's not one... You need to face up to life, things you've done, where you are now and that's hard but you need to do it to mend your life, to see straight, to have a fresh start. What you're thinking is normal but think about it... If this was you talking and not your addiction, you wouldn't be on this site at all. It's your addiction trying to keep you in those chains but you know, cause you're here that it's time to let go, break free and move on. The worlds an amazing place, start a fresh and come see it!

[Kimberley]

Where do I start? (SOS)

InChains,

Never be afraid of asking questions of other addicts - almost always you will find people who have some elements of the same experience. I do not know exactly what that you mean by that, but it sounds similar to how I have felt in the past and how I sometimes still feel today.

I am a hardened smoker and even though I know it does not benefit me in any way, I have given up alcohol (hopefully for good) and sugar and I am just not willing to give up the cigs. I'm not even willing to try - just not interested. I am not the sort of person who has no bad habits! That's kind of it - it's about my self-image partly.

And with the alcohol, I now desperately don't want to drink anymore - because the most recent withdrawals have got so bad they are utterly terrifying. I hallucinate, can barely walk at all for days, projectile vomiting, a few seizures, scream out in my semi-sleep it is so bad. It is like being Reagan in The Exorcist, really. That is the bottomline for me as to why I can't drink.

But there is a part of me that would probably still like to drink if I physically could because I partly like being *sordid* - yes, it's true. It is my self-image again. I also loved having my little secret. I loved feeding it. I liked having something to blame for any bad behaviour (my addiction). I loved the chaos to some extent. I liked passing out. I liked being pathetic. I liked not being a normal member of society. I liked being told I would die young.

Unfortunately as time has gone on, the practicalities of being an addict, the physical damage, the logistical nightmares and the fact that I was hurting real people with real feelings, has made it untenable for me to ever consider continuing down my alcoholic path.

The fact that I have had glimpses of a better, sober life have made me yearn for being a 'clean' and vibrant person like others I admire and respect in recovery. But I still have the feeling that I would partly just like to die in a doorway somewhere with a bottle. My therapist says these feelings are because i have low self-esteem and self-respect and don't think I deserve any better. I don't know if that's all true, but deep down it probably is, even if it's more sub-conscious than anything else. Man I need an analyst!

So in answer to your question about how to try and recover when all this is going on in your mind - 2 choices I reckon. Either carry on drinking until you get yourself into as much of a mess as I am, so far gone I am unable to drink really and have no choice but to get better. Or the other way is to work on your self-esteem and hopefully this will get you to the point that you believe you deserve to have a better life than that. I still have the 'thoughts' I admit, but my will to be better has become a lot stronger since I started working on loving myself more.

Hope that helps,
K x

[Chillgirl]

Where do I start? (SOS)

Great posts Guys - I just want to add my support In Chains,
I don't think it's so much that we want to be addicts, I think we think that because it's the only life we know.
I started regular drinking at 15 and in the last 20 years drank every day, as an adult it was the only behaviour I knew.
It's like a battered spouse who stays because she doesn't think there's a choice.

But there is..... Now I know another way and it's a fantastic way which I could never have imagined in my drinking life.
Just know that it's possible and take it in baby steps.... You CAN get there.

[spacebebe01]

Where do I start? (SOS)

Ho Chains, Im so glad you posted this questions, what great responses you got, I cant add more than Kinberley and Sherri because I reckon they have just about said it all. Im 2 weeks AF and dont think I will drink today. I was truley terrified for my life my physical and mental state was so bad but after only 2 weeks Im feeling pretty good. I think trying to be positive and making a plan that you believe will work is the most important thing I have done, starting to eat, getting support, coming on here, see your doc. get some fresh air there are lots of great ideas on here to start off with and think about.
Best wishes

[InChains]

Where do I start? (SOS)

Thank you to everybody for your support, I've decided to stick around, try and soak up some of the good vibes and do some soul searching to work out exactly what i want to do, and how to start. I'd like to give special thanks to sheri for her practical advice and Kimberley - I feel you really understood me and it's so nice to have somebody with similar thoughts to myself, its a huge relief to me to know I'm not alone.

So thanks again to you all, I'll be sticking around, working things out and hopefully someday soon I may be able to finally face the world sober for the first time in a few years.

[Kimberley]

Where do I start? (SOS)

Glad to hear you're sticking around

[Cinders]

Where do I start? (SOS)

InChains;1077534 wrote: I am somewhat scared of saying what the reason for my questioning is, surrounded by people who fight for sobriety and to control their addictions but I'm hoping that perhaps finally I will find somebody who at some point at least thought like me. I believe alot of the failure in my attempts at sobriety may have been caused by one simple fact: There is a part of me that wants to be addicted. To anything. Not just drinking, but smoking and I'm pretty sure if i had more money then it'd be drugs too. I feel like a part of me is sick to think this way, but even when I am in the depths of another downward spiral a part of me wants to push on to reach the end (whatever that may be.) I have told only a small number of people in the past and have generally met with apalled faces and alot of anger for this.

So the question really is where do i start to try and recover from this when a part of me wants it? I can't even contemplate abstaining completely right now, my head is too messed up. Moderating? As soon as I start stopping is the furthest thing from my mind. If there is anybody who can give me advice then please, do. This is my S.O.S. I can't keep on like this, my world is falling apart of late, and for the life of me (perhaps literally) I cannot find a way to make it stop.

Thank you for not judging me

What an honest post.

Like you, someone once asked me, "Why can't you quit drinking?" and I said "because I don't want to."

Keep on coming back.

I don't want to quit drinking, either, but my world is falling apart because I don't.

I understand.

Cindi

Oh, and thank you for not judging me, either.

[InChains]

Where do I start? (SOS)

I think the most positive thing anybody can take from getting into this situation is the ability to not judge others for their own weaknesses. What seems to be harder is not judging yourself. If you ever want somebody to chat to, I spend most nights lurking around

[Marshy]

Where do I start? (SOS)

I love Kimberley's post. I've always been attracted to the "dark side" too - drink, drugs, danger (well, dangerish :H).

In chains, I got to the point where drink was destroying me and I had to make a decision to stop or carry on and end up in a doorway/dead. I chose to stop but it took me a long time (many years) to reach that decision. Some people choose not to stop. I don't what it is within us that makes us go one way or the other.

Also, I think the "wanting to be an addict" is the addiction itself talking. Of course you want the substance you're addicted to, that's what addiction is. The key is to break that addiction so you don't want it any more - if that's what you want to do.
I hope you find some useful info on the forum. Best wishes.

[mario]

Where do I start? (SOS)

Hi chains glad your going to hang out around here cant add any more than what has already been said, keep postsing & reading you are not alone .