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    #1

    Been there done that...

    I have been in rehab three times, in involuntary detox four times.

    Great.

    I am totally a drunk.

    But, I still have hope.

    I do not like AA and their stance but I DO NOT BEGRUDGE THOSE THAT DO. I guess this post is about me, for once.

    Not about you, not about what worked for you, but about me.

    I hold down a very special job. I speak to hubby sober so he "doesn't get" that I am drunk. I speak to my girl sober so she doesn't get that I am drunk.

    I am drunk.

    I swill Vodka so that I don't go into DTs on the job.

    Darn, I won't go down the path where I "recovered" in life. The visuals and the auditories were so scary.

    Today/. I just want to die from this disease. Let it kill me and go no further.

    But I can't.

    I have grandchildren who love me and want me to be "here."

    I can't.

    So, today, I am asking for help.

    I can't take Baclofen, I can't take Antabuse because I drank on it. I can take Naltrexone.

    I hope there are those here who care and some I don't want to hear from.

    I am stifled.

    Help.

    Love,
    Cindi
    AF April 9, 2016
    Tags: None
    #2
    Been there done that...

    Cindi--keep talking....I don't have the answers--but I know talking helps get to them...
    You know the tools---how can you make yourself use them???

    Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible and suddenly you are doing the impossible.


    St. Francis of Assisi

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      #3
      Been there done that...

      Cindi--you've been here long enough to know the tools. Again I ask what prevents you from moving forward from where you are?

      Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible and suddenly you are doing the impossible.


      St. Francis of Assisi

      Comment

        #4
        Been there done that...

        Hi Cinders,

        How are you, darling? I have no answers but I just wanted to send you support and let you know that I am here, listening and reading.

        To echo RC, keep talking!

        xxxxx
        CW


        One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind.

        Comment

          #5
          Been there done that...

          Hi cindi you have good friends here, People here worry about you.


          :congratulatory: Clean & Sober since 13/01/2009 :congratulatory:

          Until one is committed there is always hesitant thoughts.
          I know enough to know that I don't know enough.

          This signature has been typed in front of a live studio audience.

          Comment

            #6
            Been there done that...

            Cindy, I only wish you knew how much I admire you, warts and all. You are one of the truest voices here. Never an excuse, never verbosity, the truth.
            I've had an easier path than you. That said, this IS about you. And the FACT, friend, I want you to beat this. You have an affliction, for lack of a better word, but that doesn't keep the true Cinders from shining through.
            I don't know how to help you. It's that simple. As a matter of fact, I don't know how to help anyone but me. But, for what it's worth, you do have it in you. PLEASE, don't sound hopeless, because you're not. You have faced yourself in the mirror, in too many hotel rooms, and seen the truth, yet never shied away from it.
            I can't say the above to many I've seen pass through here. You were here when I came, and as for me, you've always been here, trying. Not passing the buck, not much explaining, claiming your fault. I remember the airport sagas, the personal problems, and nothing has made me think less of you, ever. I hope, NO, I pray, the beautiful Cinders will look into herself, her wonderful pictures, her obvious joy of hardworn sobriety, and focus on THAT person.
            To be honest, Topamax worked wonders for me. Not bac, or other drugs. Also, I use daily the CD's, and self hypnosis. They are powerful. Again, you ARE strong enough to do this. Of course, that's my opinion, and you know yourself better. But as someone looking in, I believe it. I look for your posts, your wisdom, your well-being even. You are IMPORTANT, to many here, your children and grandchildren, but above all, to yourself.
            I hope this said to you what I'm thinking. I'm not trying to give the best advice, say the best thing, use the best English or tools. Cinders, this is from my heart, from me to you. And I pray it helps.
            Ruby
            sigpic
            Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
            awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

            Comment

              #7
              Been there done that...

              Ah, Cindy, I know how you hate this disease and how you want sobriety. There is nothing I can say that others haven't. Just know you are loved and we all want for you what you want for you.

              :l:h
              Enlightened by MWO

              Comment

                #8
                Been there done that...

                It makes me happy to hear you haven't lost hope Cinders, you have so much in your life to fight for and so much to give.

                You are often in my thoughts and I so admire your dedication to never giving up... you one amazing woman who will find her way.

                Keep on swimming.:l
                "The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it"

                Comment

                  #9
                  Been there done that...

                  Thinking of you cinders
                  I was very much in the same place 2 weeks ago, wishing it could all be over, but knowing that my daughter needs me and would be devestated if I left her. But I was killing myself. Rapidly. I cant really add to what Rubes said, but wanted to add my support, and let you know im here if you ever need a cyber shoulder to lean on.
                  To Infinity And Beyond!!

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Been there done that...

                    Cinders - I'm so sorry you are struggling so much and I hope knowing you have friends and support here helps in some way. All I can suggest is taking it ODAT, putting one foot in front of the other and building on each success however small. You mention your grandchildren, focus on all the good things in your life, the things you need to be sober to enjoy. You have tried many options and that shows me you really want sobriety, you also say you still have hope which is wonderful!
                    "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer ."
                    AF - JAN 1st 2010
                    NF - May 1996

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Been there done that...

                      Cindi, not much to say except ditto to what Ruby said. Dont give up. Have you got definite plans for the NAltrexone??

                      Many cyber-hugs to you, and wishing you much strength and peace
                      Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn

                      Harriet Beecher Stowe

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                        #12
                        Been there done that...

                        *huge hugs*

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Been there done that...

                          Cindi, you've got it in you girl.
                          I sense it in your posts. You are a wise woman.
                          Most importantly, you DESERVE it. To be happy and fulfilled.
                          Check in and let us know where you are up to.
                          We love it when you grace the Undie thread.
                          If your 8 year old self met you, would they be proud?
                          Rejoined life 20/5/19

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Been there done that...

                            NEVER give up, Cindi.

                            NEVER.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Been there done that...

                              What the Frog said

                              :l:l:l
                              I'll do whatever it takes
                              AF 21/08/2009

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