I've blown it - advice please?

[Dewdrop]

I feel so disappointed and frustrated with myself, I?ve been drinking this weekend. How did it happen ? I?m not sure, it certainly wasn?t planned. On my way home on Friday I was invited to a party and weekend away, popped into my place and packed a bag, changed and off I went hungry and a little tired (not lost on me now). The evening was a lot of fun and new people to meet, at some point a glass of wine was put in front of me and I drank it, then another two. Saturday we went for a pub lunch and I had a glass of wine then in the evening over dinner at a lovely country house hotel I had another two and a gin & tonic for a nightcap. Okay not a bender nor was I stupid or out of order either nights. Today we went for another pub lunch and I stuck to tonic water but I have been struggling with huge cravings all day and just want to go and buy a bottle or two of wine. I?m safely at home now in my jammies so will not be going out to buy any.

What do I do? I met someone recently who works away for 2 weeks and then is home for 2 weeks. He is currently at home (as you can gather) and next weekend he has invited me to meet some old and close friends of his who have a holiday home on the Isle of Skye. He isn?t a big drinker at all (when he?s away at work there is no drink) but enjoys a glass of wine with a meal out and I guess I was more than a little anxious about the sober dating thing. I am busy with work all week so I will get myself back on track with the cravings (hopefully) but next weekend really is bothering me. I really like him, he likes me and we get on so well together but it has made me realise that social dinking is such a huge part of our culture that to not drink is to be seen as being a bit of an oddball.

I feel that I have just ruined nearly 7 months of hard work and determination, there?s no one to blame but myself but I feel a bit depressed and sad that to stay AF I might have to remain single for the foreseeable future. Help guys????

Dewdrop :h

[Cassia]

I've blown it - advice please?

Hey dew,

Firstly I am sorry you drank but glad you have stopped. So lets assess.

1. Drinking is a huge part of our social life, particularly ours in Scotland. I wonder if the main reason you drank was to fit in? Its hard when you are around new people to say no but you have to practice it. I think you let your guard down. It happens.

I think you have to be honest with yourself. reexamine what made you go af in the first place. Have those circumstances changed? If not, you can't go down the al route. It's really that simple. If they have then you should reevaluate and make a new plan.

Social drinking is everywhere but there is nothing weird about not drinking. Who cares really except us?? The one thing I have learned over the past three months is the person who makes the biggest deal about not being able to drink is me. Also, this may not have been a binge but it could be a slippery slope.

I hope what I have said is helpful and not too harsh.
It comes from a place of love. U have really enjoyed getting to know you over the past few months and I just want you to be happy.

Xx

[rubywillow]

I've blown it - advice please?

Dew, there's no shame in saying 'I don't drink'. You can make up reasons, or just say 'I choose not to.' Relationships built on dishonesty, tho, can be trouble. So, if this progresses, think about being honest. Otherwise, you'll always feel you're in the closet. Besides, NOT drinking is a GOOD thing!!
I hope you can go, and enjoy yourself. It is a test, I know. I've been in similar situations, and we feel we're walking a bit of a tightrope. But this is for you, and your future. You may be surprised how much fun and enjoyment you will get from meeting new people and remaining sober.

[rubywillow]

I've blown it - advice please?

Cass, I always love your posts!

[Cassia]

I've blown it - advice please?

Thanks ruby. Right back atcha!

Dew - also a couple of other things. You haven't blown it - you made a mistake! Don't beat uraelf up too bad. Seven months is pretty incredible. And you know part of the reason you feel depressed is down to the al. As far as the newan goes, he won't care if you drink or don't. He is hanging out with you cuz he likes you...not the fact that you have a glass of vino with dinner.

[stirly-girly]

I've blown it - advice please?

Dewdrop;1081279 wrote: I feel so disappointed and frustrated with myself, I’ve been drinking this weekend. How did it happen – I’m not sure, it certainly wasn’t planned. On my way home on Friday I was invited to a party and weekend away, popped into my place and packed a bag, changed and off I went hungry and a little tired (not lost on me now). The evening was a lot of fun and new people to meet, at some point a glass of wine was put in front of me and I drank it, then another two. Saturday we went for a pub lunch and I had a glass of wine then in the evening over dinner at a lovely country house hotel I had another two and a gin & tonic for a nightcap. Okay not a bender nor was I stupid or out of order either nights. Today we went for another pub lunch and I stuck to tonic water but I have been struggling with huge cravings all day and just want to go and buy a bottle or two of wine. I’m safely at home now in my jammies so will not be going out to buy any.

What do I do? I met someone recently who works away for 2 weeks and then is home for 2 weeks. He is currently at home (as you can gather) and next weekend he has invited me to meet some old and close friends of his who have a holiday home on the Isle of Skye. He isn’t a big drinker at all (when he’s away at work there is no drink) but enjoys a glass of wine with a meal out and I guess I was more than a little anxious about the sober dating thing. I am busy with work all week so I will get myself back on track with the cravings (hopefully) but next weekend really is bothering me. I really like him, he likes me and we get on so well together but it has made me realise that social dinking is such a huge part of our culture that to not drink is to be seen as being a bit of an oddball.

I feel that I have just ruined nearly 7 months of hard work and determination, there’s no one to blame but myself but I feel a bit depressed and sad that to stay AF I might have to remain single for the foreseeable future. Help guys????

Dewdrop :h

Dewdrop, don't beat yourself up about this but instead make it into a lesson of what you need to do to remain AF in social situations. First and foremost, hold on tight to your sobriety and don't worry about being a bit of an oddball. We go out with friends who are all drinking either wine or beer with their meals and I am always the only one not drinking AL. I just say I don't want it that I'm sticking to soda water or a soda drink. If someone asks why, I say that there are too many calories and I'd rather eat my calories than drink them. No one ever bats an eyelash. Worry less about what others will think and you can concentrate more on having a good time and enjoying yourself more. Actually, it's us alkies who notice how much or how little others drink. "Normal" people only notice when others drink to excess, they never notice those who only have a couple of glasses of wine or who aren't drinking AL at all. If you don't feel ready to talk to your new "friend" about your problem with alcohol, just tell him that you really don't enjoy alcohol, that it often gives you a bad headache after and that you'd rather not drink. That leaves no room for discussion. As for the visit to the Island of Skye (aren't you the lucky one), just use the same excuse if anyone questions why you're not drinking wine or whatever. And frankly I doubt anyone would say anything. It's us who think it will be a problem for others. You could buy some really fancy AL-free cocktail or special drink and take that along with you. I make my own "champagne" by mixing a soft drink such as Sprite or 7-UP half and half with soda water and it's great. A slice of lemon and there you go.
Certainly no need to be single to stay sober. Just say you don't drink and that's it. You've got all those lovely AF days under your belt. Stay back on track and you'll be fine. Why don't you come over and hang out in the Army thread. Always good company there...:huggy

[cymru]

I've blown it - advice please?

Hey there Dew.
I have been through some similar circumstances recently. After doing so well on the not drinking front I just seemed to have a 'moment', had a drink which unfortunatley turned into a 2 month binge. At no point did I enjoy drinking again and looking back on it I think if it had carried on for much longer I would of been dead. Thats hard to say, but true.
Anyway I went to the doc(a recovered alcoholic) and he told me that though I am back to day one not to look at it as anything other than a blip. I was ready to address the problem relatively quickly and had managed lenghy amounts of sobriety previously. This is to be looked upon positively. A drink is just that and doesnt mean the end and that we might as well just drink. Our alcoholic side will tell us that, but 2-3 days can be put down as a blip, nothing more, if adressed.
I have also started a new relationship. My first since Nov 09. I told her that I am a non drinker. I said it was because of my crohns and that I couldnt drink. She has been cool with that. In time, if things work out and I see a future for us I will open up 100% and I will tell her about my alcoholism, but in this early stage of the relationship I dont want to disclose something so personal incase it doesnt work out and there 'gossip' which could effect my personal and work life.
All the best,
Cy

[stirly-girly]

I've blown it - advice please?

Cassia;1081294 wrote:

Dew - also a couple of other things. You haven't blown it - you made a mistake! Don't beat uraelf up too bad. Seven months is pretty incredible. And you know part of the reason you feel depressed is down to the al. As far as the newan goes, he won't care if you drink or don't. He is hanging out with you cuz he likes you...not the fact that you have a glass of vino with dinner.

Just to add my two bits to the last part of what Cassia said. Most men would much rather go out with a woman who abstains rather than a woman who drinks too much and makes a fool of herself. And if he's had any experience with the latter, he will really enjoy being with a woman who is not going to be picked up off the floor or make a fool of herself with her drunken babbling while leaning on his arm...

[Recluse]

I've blown it - advice please?

Dewdrop - here's my tuppence worth, which is maybe a little bit different from what other well-meaning people have said. Honesty is usually the best policy. I don't think there is anything to be ashamed of in owning up to a drink problem. There's little point in continuing with a relationship if it will involve you sacrificing your sobriety. And if he is not able to understand that having a drink problem means you cannot drink, the relationship will not go far. Tell him as soon as you can. Hope it works out for you.

[cymru]

I've blown it - advice please?

As Stirly says, id rather be looked at as being a bit boring when out than be a complete tit, falling all over the place and generally causing huge embaressment to everyone.
And I would imagine your partner would be happy your a non drinker. What other ppl think shouldnt matter. At the end of the day, they dont understand what happens should we get pissed! Cert seems the better option to me!

[mario]

I've blown it - advice please?

Dew our lenght of sobriety is not as impotant as its quality, You had a blip, you came here and shared it and now you can get back up and beat it,Once you know your triggers you can have things in place for the next one,You have already got great advice above so dont worry to much,On ward and up.

[stirly-girly]

I've blown it - advice please?

Recluse;1081312 wrote: Dewdrop - here's my tuppence worth, which is maybe a little bit different from what other well-meaning people have said. Honesty is usually the best policy. I don't think there is anything to be ashamed of in owning up to a drink problem. There's little point in continuing with a relationship if it will involve you sacrificing your sobriety. And if he is not able to understand that having a drink problem means you cannot drink, the relationship will not go far. Tell him as soon as you can. Hope it works out for you.

Reccie, while I agree about coming clean about the drinking problem, something that Cy said made sense to me as well. It was this...

but in this early stage of the relationship I don't want to disclose something so personal in case it doesn't work out and there's 'gossip' which could effect my personal and work life.

I must say that IMHO he has made a point there. If you don't know the other person that well, it being the beginning of a relationship, you might not have realized yet whether or not you can trust that person with something that is so private. Again, it's my opinion and not necessarily shared by all.

[Ringing Cedars]

I've blown it - advice please?

I agree Dew--you've done a fantastic stretch. You've tested the waters and now it's time to re-assess. For what it's worth, I also think honesty in the relationship now is better than later. If you made excuses and then had a Fall and not a blip(God forbid)that would make things alot more complicated later. Now means you give the man the right to know who you really are a fallible human being. He's obviously attracted to you for many reasons. All the best.

[Recluse]

I've blown it - advice please?

stirly-girly;1081325 wrote: Reccie, while I agree about coming clean about the drinking problem, something that Cy said made sense to me as well. It was this...

but in this early stage of the relationship I don't want to disclose something so personal in case it doesn't work out and there's 'gossip' which could effect my personal and work life.

I must say that IMHO he has made a point there. If you don't know the other person that well, it being the beginning of a relationship, you might not have realized yet whether or not you can trust that person with something that is so private. Again, it's my opinion and not necessarily shared by all.

That's true, stirly, I wouldn't disagree with that at all. I guess it all depends on the individual's particular set of circumstances and also on the level of maturity of the people involved.

[cymru]

I've blown it - advice please?

Iwould like to think that myself and my partner both have a fairly high level of maturity!