Dipped my toe in the pool of life.

[Brave Hearted]

I posted before that I was getting cabin fever, as for the 11 days of being af we had avoided going out in the evening, something we usually do quite reguarly.

Last night I suggested to my partner we go out to eat. I think intially this alarmed my partner as he thought this would equate to me having a drink. I assured him I had no intentions of drinking.

We went out had out meal in a country pub and everything went well. We both drank non alcoholic drinks and had a good time. I think he was relieved and I felt like I can go out into the world and live my life.

So how did I feel watching others drink while I was not ????. mixed emotions really, in some level a sense of loss, which I suppose is understandable after doing something for so long. But mainly relief that I could resume going out and not sit there miserable thats I am not drinking.

I also feel quite ashamed what I have put my current and past partners through when I have been drinking, I never fully understood what it must have been like for them out with me never knowing if tonight was the night I would go on one of my binges or just have a couple and go home normal. No wonder most of the guys in my left have gone what a horrible situation to live with. Al made me very selfish, what a waste .

But my main point is I am glad I can enter life again and go out, but of course I will remain vigalant the demon doesnot give up that easy .

Love and light to you all.

BH

[coalfire]

Dipped my toe in the pool of life.

That sounds like a breakthrough! Im glad you have reached this level of serenity. It must feel really good. I couldnt have done that on day 11. Im on day 59 today and Im planning my first social outing to a restaurant next week. Its only now that I feel up to facing it. Im hoping that I will have a similar post to yours next week.I know what you mean about the selfish thing. That has hit me in spades too recently. At the time our addictions have such a grip on us that we cant see our behaviour for what it is. Our brains are protecting our addiction and that means blocking out or minimising everything else.I am so grateful now that Mr coalfire stayed around. I dont think that I could ever do it to him again.When he comes home I see him anxiously scanning me and the room to look for signs of drinking and then I see him relax when he realises I am sober. I wince every time I see him doing it.No man should have to do that when he comes home and I am never going to put him back there.It will be a great day when he walks in and doesnt scan but I have to walk a longer walk than 59 days for that to happen and I will. I just wonder how I could have allowed that to go on for so long. Bloody addiction. It makes us so blind. You sound as if you are doing so well. There are a lot of us doing well now on MWO.Its great that we all have each other.

[Lavande]

Dipped my toe in the pool of life.

Good for you BH!
It's so nice to be able to go out & enjoy 'normal life' again
I sheltered myself for a good three months after I quit ~ until I felt ready to face the world. We are all a bit different & should take all the time we need to feel strong in our commitment to remain AF!

[Brave Hearted]

Dipped my toe in the pool of life.

Will be quick as Mr Brave is in the shower, I could not do this without you all, that is what makes me face the world all the wonderful peole and stories. I think it is hard for partners to take us quitting seriously as most of us have said it so many times beofre and not stuck to it. Coal your are doing greta loads of days, hope I am still posting in the fiftys. One of the big things when the fleeting thought came in my mind last night aobut drinking was how could I say I had on hear what I had done, so its another big support. To me the best ever.

BH x

[Chillgirl]

Dipped my toe in the pool of life.

BH - being able to post on here my true feelings was the biggest part of my recovery. And I don't just mean about drinking, being able to spill my inner feelings was the best therapy in the world!

You mentioned on another thread being patient with yourself and I think that's excellent advice, as you say it took us 30 years to get to where we are today and that's a lot of mental programming. The good news is that we have the choice to reprogram ourselves and become who we really want to be, it's exciting!

The past is over, we can't change it but the great thing is, it's OVER! FINISHED! NO LONGER HAPPENING! When that really sinks in you realize the euphoria in it. Our stupid addicted brain tries to tell us that as we have always done it a certain way, thats set in some kind of stone, well it isn't, we are Captains of our own ship and a captain does not choice his destination based on the wake that lies behind it, that would be insanity :H that wake which lies behind us has no significant to the journey ahead or indeed where we are today this very minute. Let's choice some place nice to sail too

[IAD]

Dipped my toe in the pool of life.

The waters cold..aint it..Brave Heart.

[mario]

Dipped my toe in the pool of life.

coalfire;1083518 wrote: That sounds like a breakthrough! Im glad you have reached this level of serenity. It must feel really good. I couldnt have done that on day 11. Im on day 59 today and Im planning my first social outing to a restaurant next week. Its only now that I feel up to facing it. Im hoping that I will have a similar post to yours next week.I know what you mean about the selfish thing. That has hit me in spades too recently. At the time our addictions have such a grip on us that we cant see our behaviour for what it is. Our brains are protecting our addiction and that means blocking out or minimising everything else.I am so grateful now that Mr coalfire stayed around. I dont think that I could ever do it to him again.When he comes home I see him anxiously scanning me and the room to look for signs of drinking and then I see him relax when he realises I am sober. I wince every time I see him doing it.No man should have to do that when he comes home and I am never going to put him back there.It will be a great day when he walks in and doesnt scan but I have to walk a longer walk than 59 days for that to happen and I will. I just wonder how I could have allowed that to go on for so long. Bloody addiction. It makes us so blind. You sound as if you are doing so well. There are a lot of us doing well now on MWO.Its great that we all have each other.

Great post coalfire says a lot and well done BH

[Kimberley]

Dipped my toe in the pool of life.

Hey Brave,

That's great. I think if you can be around al socially and not be tempted then it's good to do it, so you feel more normal. But if you do feel 'funny' about it, have an exit plan.

It's funny you guys were talking about not realising the effect it had on your partners - I never really did either. I remember one of my exes started coming home late from work. He eventually told me it was because he was scared to come home at night because he had no idea of what he'd find, what state I'd be in. I was shocked when he said that - it had never even crossed my mind before. Thankfully that was a long time ago...

K x