How to make amends?

[Want to Stop]

I am devastated by the pain, worry and stress I have caused my loved ones. Each time, I made promises that I have not kept. At this point they have no reason to believe me. I am shocked if any of them still have hope. I know this type of healing takes a great amount of time. Besides being AF each day, any suggestions for how I might show myself faithful to this and unwilling to accept failure?
Thanks in advance. I will be back on later tonight.

[akgirl]

How to make amends?

I thought of this for myself too. My first instinct is....no, only time will heal. But then I got to thinking, not only am I going to stay AF to show them, I am going to go the extra mile. I am spending more one on one time with my son, keeping the house cleaner, cooking more, paying more attention to how I look, doing fun outings, giving more hugs and thank yous....things like that.

I'm not just going to be AF...I am going to live instead of just exist.

No matter what you do as long as you stay AF, they will see the change in you more than you might think :l

[lil.michelle]

How to make amends?

Hi hunni, many if us have had the same problem and to be 100% honest with you, you can't do anything but stay true to your word and stay sober. Time is an amazing thing and heals a lot. Only with time will people starting trusting you and believing in you. Hold on in there!

[Lavande]

How to make amends?

akgirl has the right idea............
Live a good sober life, be happy, be proud, enjoy your family more - all those things will show people your willingness to keep your commitment. It is hard but we do have to wait for people to come around & restore their faith & trust in us. Try to be patient while staying commited.
You'll get there

[gyco]

How to make amends?

that s life

Want to Stop;1086009 wrote: I am devastated by the pain, worry and stress I have caused my loved ones. Each time, I made promises that I have not kept. At this point they have no reason to believe me. I am shocked if any of them still have hope. I know this type of healing takes a great amount of time. Besides being AF each day, any suggestions for how I might show myself faithful to this and unwilling to accept failure?
Thanks in advance. I will be back on later tonight.

hi WTS,i guess you should be devastated,lets face it all of us in this position no we drank to much,but rememmber we were tot it was normal,we watched our families,friends and others in the same boat,do it,as you get older you might see some of the one s your worried about,in the same position,then what do you do,listen to them say its your fault,addiction in anything,is horrible,but addiction with alchohol or drugs is the worst,have you ever hurd i feel sorry for that person that drinks or drugs,but you do for the oversised person,or the malnitritioned person,or even the person that has cancer,but yet cancer is brought on thro generations, i found the best thing for me was rehab,it opened my eyes,and here cause i thot AA was the only way,time will cure everything,if you want helpi wish you well:goodjob:gyco

[Road to Recovery]

How to make amends?

Want to Stop;1086009 wrote: I am devastated by the pain, worry and stress I have caused my loved ones. Each time, I made promises that I have not kept. At this point they have no reason to believe me. I am shocked if any of them still have hope. I know this type of healing takes a great amount of time. Besides being AF each day, any suggestions for how I might show myself faithful to this and unwilling to accept failure?
Thanks in advance. I will be back on later tonight.

Want to,
This is something you need to let go. It will not help you to focus on what has happenned in the past. I had the same feelings about what I had done to my family but that is in the past and you cant change it. I apologized to my wife but also told her that I am not going to live with that guilt anymore - it is pointless. You need to focus on yourself right now - you need to get sober. Forgive yourself, believe me, I know this helps. If your family has questions, be honest with them - no matter how ashamed you may feel. Dont try to go this alone - you need support and this is a great community to get support. It helped me immensley.
If you dont know how to do this - ask us - we have been there and I can honestly tell you - life is much better on this side and well worth the fight.

[Want to Stop]

How to make amends?

Thank you all so much! I am trying to let the guilt and regret go. I do not want to forget, however. I feel like remembering will help keep me AF.
I am very fortunate that my family is devoted and supportive. They have not yet given up.
I am very thankful for these boards.

[hippie37]

How to make amends?

Making amends is a difficult process and one that gets misunderstood a lot of the time. When you make amends to people, you are actually making the amend, not to relieve you of the guilt or regret you feel. You're making it to take responsibility for your past actions. If you make an amend purely on the basis of trying to relieve you of your guilt then this is nothing more than an apology. How many times have our family, loved ones and friends heard that one before? It's insincere and probably said in either a resentful tone or a shameful one.

When you take responsibility for your actions and make an amend this will then give you the space to move into to start letting go of the guilt and regret. It doesn't always happen overnight though. It takes some working at though to completely let go of all our past misdemeanour's. I think of the amount I guilt I felt towards my little girl for the things I'd done and not done as a father when I was drinking. One of the biggest problems I had in letting go of it was the fact that I was so used to living in the guilt and shame that I didn't know any different. So to move away from that was a big step because it meant change and I was comfortably numb in it all.

It'll happen in time but don't have too many high expectations of yourself or others for that matter. Easy does it as they say!

Many Blessings
Phil

[hillsidetime]

How to make amends?

Hi Want to stop, you ask a great question.

Although I am no expert, I can share with you my experience.

It takes a lot of work to get some sober weeks and months under your belt. You can do it. If you can lay a foundation of sobriety, that will mean a great deal to your loved ones. It may take time for them to realise you are serious about it.

It has taken me a long time, close to a year, before the intensity of my regret and shame, for things I have bone, to decrease. My sober time, and the person I am now, is something I am proud about. It is this aspect, that is slowly allowing me to make some amends.

To add sober days together, in my opinion, can only help you work towards making amends.

All the best,
Hill

[Want to Stop]

How to make amends?

THANK YOU!

Hippie, I really appreciate what you had to say. It truly resonates with me. Due to my human and alcoholic nature to want instant gratification, I wish the regret to go away. However, I do not wish to forget it as I never want to relive those mistakes.
I am thankful for the way you broke it down for me.
Wishing all of you the best.

[Brave Hearted]

How to make amends?

Hi WTS

I struggle with this one too and have done for a very long time. But I have come to the conclusion that we have to forgive ourselves for what we have done, as if we cant do that we cant expect anybody else too.Al is an evil things and takes us all in differant ways. I know the only way I can prove to my family and friends is to remain af. I spent too long dwelling on the terrible things I did when I was drunk and it achieved was to drag me down and stop me moving forward. A good friend said to me ok you did those things, ya they wernt so good , but nobody died, you cant change what you did so why waste energy on torturing yourself. Very wise word. I now try to put that energy into my sobirity, my family and myself. I spent plenty of years doing bad things but I also have plenty of years ahead of me too good things ! thats where I plan to put my money.

Good luck

BH

[Doggygirl]

How to make amends?

Many good posts here. From the baseline practical standpoint, I love AKGirl's post. What we do is about a trillion times more important than anything we can say - especially in early sobriety.

Hippie's post is spot on and I think those conversations are best after a good period of right action.

DG

[mario]

How to make amends?

Cant really add to the above posts, all i know for myself i forgave myself first and then started slowly making amends with others,In these cases your actions speak louder than words. keep it up you can do it.