cunning baffling and powerful

[coalfire]

I was speaking about permission thoughts recently in this thread
https://www.mywayout.org/community/f9...ion-49109.html

I am 76 days sober and one of the things that is amazing me is the way my "addicted voice" changes shape in my brain. I swear it feels like a living thing sometimes and it seems to work out when I have beaten it one way so then it reinvents itself another way.
So far I have had

1 I need alcohol to cope-I managed to smash that one then we had

2 Just one,you can always start tomorrow-I managed to smash that one then came

3 you are on your own tonight-no one would ever know(that one was scary but I beat it)

4 Today I have had a brand shiny new one. This is it-

I have been sober too many days(76) and thats why I am finding it hard. It would be a good idea to relapse because then I would experience all the negative stuff ie hangover regrets etc. That negative stuff would be good because it would remind me why I gave up and it would motivate me to go another 76 days. So it would actually be a good idea to drink.

Sounds crazy right? Well that thought pattern had me in its grip for 2-3 hours today and it made PERFECT sense. Somehow I wriggled out from under it and now I am looking back at it going wtf?

I hate these thoughts. I would take 20 physical cravings before I would take 1 hour of this sort of crazy rationalisation. It shakes me up badly every time it happens because when I am in the middle of it I think it sounds like the best plan in the world ever.


Anyway I have decided that I am going to start laughing at myself. Now at 7pm I can actually see it for the crazy old bulls**t that it is.

Do you get these waves of deluded thoughts? They are not cravings. I had no cravings today in the strict sense.I don't know what they are really...I suppose deluded permission thoughts will have to do. I wonder if they are a lifelong thing?

[mario]

cunning baffling and powerful

coalfire;1095470 wrote: Do you get these waves of deluded thoughts? They are not cravings. I had no cravings today in the strict sense.I don't know what they are really...I suppose deluded permission thoughts will have to do. I wonder if they are a lifelong thing?

Well done on your 76 days alcohol free coal fire,great going,:goodjob:

Awhile back I was standing outside of a pub in my area and you could here all the noise and laughter coming out, and it started getting me thinking of was I missing anything as I thought they all seemed to be having a great time, I then followed through with were would I be in 3 hours if I was there, most likely drunk,sick,etc etc, So follow your thoughts through when they seem so enjoyable it works for me.

[emily]

cunning baffling and powerful

totally know what you mean Coal

I also get a sensation in my chest too. I find if I see these 'thought's as just energy, not good, not bad but just energy and allow them to be seen and accepted by me then they go easily. It's when you don't feel them/sense them and they get stuck that problems start i.e drink. Close your eyes and just allow them to wash over you, watch and let them go.

As Mario says have a rreality story up your sleeve and feel the good energy in your mind/body once you sense that the 'thoughts' are gone.

Hope this makes sense?

[Doggygirl]

cunning baffling and powerful

Well done on your 76 days tart. () You are doing great. You do a lot of introspection that I really like.

Delusional addictive voice? Yes. One of the more humorous thoughts that flew briefly through my brain not too long ago was that "a drink" (hahaha) would "cure my menopause symptoms." I was driving down the road when that thought passed through and I couldn't help but just burst out laughing!

I do know though, how frustrating and frightening these thoughts can be in early recovery. (at this point I accept that something akin to a ghost is just living in my head with me LOL!) I can especially relate to how scary the "nobody would know" thought is. That dard secrecy characterized my addiction, and I need to be out in the sunlight of truth for my recovery.

I hope sharing here helps you work through it, and to know you are not alone. Always hang in there. Our brains really do work over time sometimes trying to get a fix.

DG

[medic]

cunning baffling and powerful

I think you have a great attitude Coal...

76 days is a fantastic achievement. You were mentioning the somewhat rationalising thoughts which tempt you to relapse and it reminded me of what I read in The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle, about how the mind wants you to identify with it as your identity in the effort to obscure your better self.

This is so fundamental to me these days. This notion that you either use your mind as a tool, as intended, or let it use you when you descend into a complacent passivity or something. It's so strange to think the mind is almost an alien creature in your own body.

Hmmm...

[coalfire]

cunning baffling and powerful

Thanks for your replies folks.

Mario I know what you mean about following your thoughts through. AA say something dont they about fast forwarding the tape to the end and thinking about it then? Thats what got me through it today in the end I think. I pictured the end result and it wasnt pretty.

Emily I like the energy idea-not good not bad just energy. I am actually going to try that eye closing thing.I just sat there today frozen with fear thinking sh**t, sh*t,sh*t go away and leave me alone. My shoulders are aching this evening because I was so tense for those few hours. The idea of closing your eyes and saying this is just energy sounds very appealing and its practical tips like that that might work. I know about the urge surfing stuff but I didnt see it as an urge ,more as a plan if you know what I mean-an actual belief.

Doggygirl maybe you are on to something- I could try calling ghostbusters!:H I would love to see directory enquiries face if I asked for the number. I admire you for dealing with this and the menopause stuff. That enough would motivate me to keep going. I would seriously need to get this sorted before that stuff lands on my plate-I couldnt imagine dealing with both! Do you get many of these delusional thoughts now Doggygirl if you dont mind me asking? Im just trying to work out whats ahead. At the moment it seems to be happening once every 10 days appprox then Im good again.

Medic thanks for the compliment although if you had seen me this afternoon fighting it out in my head you might change your mind,. I am an avid avid avid book reader. I think I plan on reading myself sober sometimes! Your book sounds very good and I get what you are saying about not letting your mind become your identity. Is that a recovery book or a book for general living? I like the alien creature bit too-thats what these deluded waves feel like to me. Its as if something takes me over and smashes all my nice serene sober thoughts to pieces. Hmm ghosts,aliens and energy fields. Its not MWO I need- its flipping mulder and scully!

[Guitarista]

cunning baffling and powerful

Hi Coalfire,

Congratulation's on 76/77 day's AF.

A book you might find interesting is 'The Tao of sobriety'. It touches on a zen sort of approach. Can't remember the author as i've just lent it out.

Best wishes to you, and keep it going, as the shackles slowly but surely break, one by one.

G-bloke.

[hillsidetime]

cunning baffling and powerful

Hey Coal, great work on adding up those sober days, keep at it. You make some great observations about the little voice in our heads. It is amazing how sneaky and self serving it really is. I agree with you, that it is almost like another being, is inside our brains. Like you, I have decided to never let my guard down against this voice.
Keep up the great work,
Hill

[coalfire]

cunning baffling and powerful

Thanks Guitarista. It sounds like something I could have done with yesterday.Well thats 2 good book recommendations I have come out with. Now all I have to do is work out exactly where to hide from my OH when our credit card bill comes in...unless of course I get to it first:H

Thanks Hillside.It is like another being inside you sometimes. When I have finished with ghostbusters and mulder and scully I will send them to you!

[Guitarista]

cunning baffling and powerful

Oh Coalfire,

By the way, the book 'The Tao of sobriety' was about 10 bucks Aussie from Amazon U.S. mid last year, so around a fiver (euro?) for you probably, just $10,000 for shipping. :H
But i'm sure it's available closer to home for you. (Startingover is a wealth of info on addiction books)

Best wishes. G-bloke.

[Doggygirl]

cunning baffling and powerful

coalfire;1095584 wrote: Do you get many of these delusional thoughts now Doggygirl if you dont mind me asking? Im just trying to work out whats ahead. At the moment it seems to be happening once every 10 days appprox then Im good again.

Hi again little tart! () No - I don't get the crazy thoughts very often any more, and also they are not powerful any more. (at least they haven't been in a long time - who knows about tomorrow!) Early on, the urges were very strong and truly felt like a battle in the brain and I wasn't always sure I could win. These days, if a strange thought comes, it is more...just a strange thought (where did THAT come from???) and nothing that I feel compelled to act on. Like old brain wiring just surfacing momentarily or something. Usuallyit's something I can laugh at, like the menopause thing.

The bottom line for me, and hopefully for you, is that if you keep going and keep resisting each urge as it comes along, you will eventually have fewer and fewer of them and they will lose their strength. That is what has happened for me so far, and that is what I hear from so many others.

It is really wonderful to live free of the grip of alchol. The only way for me to *f* this up is to drink again. Then I would have to start all over dealing with the obssession, and I am very determined not to do that.

DG

[coalfire]

cunning baffling and powerful

Thanks DG. I REALLY needed to hear that from a longtimer because they rattle my cage when they happen. Thanks again.