Hey Everyone
Haven't posted since my trip to Vegas...been wondering how to write about where I'm at now because I did end up drinking for 2 out of the 4 nights. I know that a handful of you were following my progress so I wanted to let you know how things are going.
The reason I've found this a dilemma is that I don't consider the drinking that I did there a relapse, or even a 'slip'. I don't have any regrets about it, I don't feel guilty. I did have more than I 'should have' or 'meant' to but it was a conscious decision, at no time did it get really messy or uncontrollable and I can only really describe it as a 'situational occurrence'.
I was just shy of 100AF days when I went and since I got back 10 days ago, I haven't drunk, haven't craved it, am not thinking about it and life is all good! I intend on keeping this frame of mind for the indefinite future.
The main message I want to get across is that this experience has reminded me what a very personal and individual experience this is. I don't want to give anyone just starting out a reason or excuse to think they can just have a few and it will be ok, because I did it and was/am alright. A friend who started out right at the same time as me relapsed in the last couple of weeks, ended up in ER and is now moving into a transition house. So it's really a huge gamble because we can never really predict which way things are going to go when we pick up that bottle...
That said, I am feeling a shift has taken place since/because of the Vegas episode. It showed me that I can drink a bit in a controlled manner around other people. Left to my own devices (or with a fully stocked minibar) though, I will always want more and will have more if I can. This reminds me of what I already know: that I can't have alcohol in the house and that drinking by myself is dangerous. I can deal with both of those things.
I also feel that I'm looking at AL now like a drug or like smoking. I quit smoking years ago but every once in a while (I'm talking once every 2 years or so), I may have a smoke. Usually I quite enjoy it and usually I want more. The thing is that I never let myself go down that road anymore because I really, really don't want to be a smoker. And I am starting to feel the same way about AL. I think that going forward, I might drink very occasionally (say 2-3 times a year, but maybe not even that) but I will do it with the knowledge that I'm going to want more and will have to think about whether I'm prepared to go through the cravings just for the sake of a night or two. I think I feel ok about that.
I know I can't moderate and I enjoy being AF and not having to think about all of it anymore but if I have a few drinks once every 6 months or so, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. And I will not be entering lightly into any drinking occasions. If there's the potential for anything to get exponentially out of hand, I won't go there. I value what I have too much now.
I LOVE the way my life is going these days, there is much to look forward to and it has everything to do with taking back control and just feeling so much better in and about myself as a result. I'm definitely the healthiest and happiest I've been in years and I'm not going to throw that away.
Hope you've all enjoyed this fine Thursday. We've had snow here today...it really is time to get out of winter dodge and head for the Mediterranean or somewhere.
Keep fighting the good fight all.
Bean
Haven't posted since my trip to Vegas...been wondering how to write about where I'm at now because I did end up drinking for 2 out of the 4 nights. I know that a handful of you were following my progress so I wanted to let you know how things are going.
The reason I've found this a dilemma is that I don't consider the drinking that I did there a relapse, or even a 'slip'. I don't have any regrets about it, I don't feel guilty. I did have more than I 'should have' or 'meant' to but it was a conscious decision, at no time did it get really messy or uncontrollable and I can only really describe it as a 'situational occurrence'.
I was just shy of 100AF days when I went and since I got back 10 days ago, I haven't drunk, haven't craved it, am not thinking about it and life is all good! I intend on keeping this frame of mind for the indefinite future.
The main message I want to get across is that this experience has reminded me what a very personal and individual experience this is. I don't want to give anyone just starting out a reason or excuse to think they can just have a few and it will be ok, because I did it and was/am alright. A friend who started out right at the same time as me relapsed in the last couple of weeks, ended up in ER and is now moving into a transition house. So it's really a huge gamble because we can never really predict which way things are going to go when we pick up that bottle...
That said, I am feeling a shift has taken place since/because of the Vegas episode. It showed me that I can drink a bit in a controlled manner around other people. Left to my own devices (or with a fully stocked minibar) though, I will always want more and will have more if I can. This reminds me of what I already know: that I can't have alcohol in the house and that drinking by myself is dangerous. I can deal with both of those things.
I also feel that I'm looking at AL now like a drug or like smoking. I quit smoking years ago but every once in a while (I'm talking once every 2 years or so), I may have a smoke. Usually I quite enjoy it and usually I want more. The thing is that I never let myself go down that road anymore because I really, really don't want to be a smoker. And I am starting to feel the same way about AL. I think that going forward, I might drink very occasionally (say 2-3 times a year, but maybe not even that) but I will do it with the knowledge that I'm going to want more and will have to think about whether I'm prepared to go through the cravings just for the sake of a night or two. I think I feel ok about that.
I know I can't moderate and I enjoy being AF and not having to think about all of it anymore but if I have a few drinks once every 6 months or so, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. And I will not be entering lightly into any drinking occasions. If there's the potential for anything to get exponentially out of hand, I won't go there. I value what I have too much now.
I LOVE the way my life is going these days, there is much to look forward to and it has everything to do with taking back control and just feeling so much better in and about myself as a result. I'm definitely the healthiest and happiest I've been in years and I'm not going to throw that away.
Hope you've all enjoyed this fine Thursday. We've had snow here today...it really is time to get out of winter dodge and head for the Mediterranean or somewhere.
Keep fighting the good fight all.
Bean
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