Clarity

[vintage girl]

So, when I started here I thought I?d go for 30 days AL free and then see what would happen.

I had it in my head that I would moderate, maybe, but wanted so badly to get a whole 30 days sober and see how it felt.

I made 30 days and decided to try for 60. The temptation was there for me to say ?oh well, I have done the required 30, I can drink a little, cut right back on what I was doing before? and break open the champagne. But I didn?t.

And I really didn?t understand why at the time.

I am 75 days AL free and now I understand. Now I know.

I wasn?t aware of it at the time, or if I was I didn?t acknowledge it because I was scared. I can?t drink moderately. If I could, I would not have been in such a mess. I couldn?t see how I could spend the rest of my life without any AL at all, so I just kept going, one day at a time.

But do you know what? I can see now that my only option is not to drink AT ALL. Even so, it is still scary for me, I still can?t say ?never again?.

But at least I know what my options are. Aiming for 100 days now, and feeling so much clearer in my head about what I want my life to be. My priorities, my relationships, my job, my health all flourish without AL.

Why would I risk these precious things, gamble them on a drink or two that I know will never quench that particular thirst?

I feel that I am about to take a huge step. A HUGE step. Can I really commit myself to a whole rest of my life AL free scenario?

Did anyone else feel like this? Sorry for the ramble, but this place is the only sounding board I have.

Advice, thoughts, experiences are all very much appreciated. Thanks for listening

[InChains]

Clarity

I can't offer much advice btu I'd just like to say congratulations on 75 days and on your decision to get AL out of your life for good, I have only known you as AF and I have to say you are sincerely oen of the nicest people I have met through this forum, and if you think AL would change that then you are definitly 100% right to get it out of your life, keep taking it one day at a time, focus on your goals and I wish you the absolute best

[Chillgirl]

Clarity

Vintage - you are doing amazingly! What an inspiring post.

Dealing with the "forever" of not drinking again is hugely daunting but in a way you have already answered your own question, you know you can't moderate.

When I finally quit I already decided it had to be forever and for me this actually made it easier as I didn't give myself options. However I still used ODAT to get me through the tricky days. It's really how we see it in our minds and although this was the way I saw it, from what I've read here, it's unusual as most people have an issue with "never again".

If thinking this way is too scary at the moment then don't think about it, take it a step at a time. You are already experiencing the fantastic clarity we get when we get away from the alcoholic fog and bit by bit things will become clearer and clearer until you will know the way forward. Keep doing what you're doing and enjoy every wonderful moment of it!

[Mizz Fitt]

Clarity

Can I really commit myself to a whole rest of my life AL free scenario?

whats the alternative, a miserable life living in 'trying to control' mode when we all know there can be no control.
Ask yourself this, do you REALLY want to live a life trying to control something youve no control off, something that robs you of your self respect, emotional and physical health, looks among other things? I know you dont . Thats why youve got to 75 days.
Believe me you are sacrificing nothing, you are free of a horrible addiction . Read Jason Vales book, it will eradicate any thoughts of going back to the drink you will ever have.

[Zeppie2]

Clarity

Hiya VG - congrats on your 75 days - I am like you and I can not moderate. What is the saying? "One is too many and 100 is not enough."

I tried to moderate two years ago after a 6 month AF stretch - I quickly returned to all day drinking in fact it was way worse than when I first came to the site. I did 13 months AF then a break up sent me spiraling back to where I was again. I thought what the hell, I am depressed, I thought it would numb the sadness I was feeling. It didn't, it just turned me into a mega bitch who was still depressed.
I am back on the wagon again now.

For some of us drinking is not an option - remember that when you feel a craving to drink, just one never satisfies you. It takes us so long to get ourselves together, get Al out of our system, but we can return to being a drunkard so quickly it's not funny.

Congrats once again on 75days and just keep on going girl - it's worth it.

[Doggygirl]

Clarity

VG, I loved reading your post!!! Congratulations on 75 days AF, and also your self discovery along the way. I can't moderate my drinking either. What a relief to just accept that!!

When I first sobered up I had no clue what "One Day At A Time" really meant. I thought I HAD to think in terms of EVER and NEVER and all of that.

What I have discovered along that way is that my tendency to obsess over the future was not only related to AL. I did that in many areas of my life. And trying to control future events just doesn't work. So I have had to learn to take things one day at a time, and just focus on TODAY in many ways. And what a blessing. My life is so much fuller when most of my energy is focused on today's LIVING I'm glad I finally "got" that - what a gift!

Have a fABulous day TODAY!

DG

[Beachbump]

Clarity

HI VG,
When I hit 75 days I will be OVER THE MOON...and everybody on MWO will know it!! CONGRATULATIONS!!![COLOR=Black]
I'm on 37 days and feel good. We went for a few days to "civilazation" (getting out of the bush) and were in contact with people drinking every where we go - never once did I felt cheated that I'm not drinking - when I saw somebody with a glass no thoughts about alcohol went through my mind. This afternoon when we came home we stopped at friends near us. They had bith a drink in there hands and I know that they drink heavely and when we drove from there I wondered whether they will get up tomorrow morning with a babelas...(hangover)

I know I can never drink again. If I decide to have something I know for a while it will be possible for me to drink moderate but in a few weeks time I will be back to squire ONE!!

NO! NO! NO!

I also know that I cannot be over-confident because I am an alcoholic and I don't know what happens tomorrow that can send me back where I do not belong! I just take it one day at a time.

Best of luck!
/COLOR]

[Guitarista]

Clarity

Hi VG.

Great post, and thank's for sharing. I feel very much like you re- the never again thinking, and i love your line....'But do you know what? I can see now that my only option is not to drink AT ALL. Even so, it is still scary for me, I still can?t say ?never again?.'

I can't moderate either. I don't know why (genetic, thinking, body chemistry), and i don't care, all i know is that not drinking right now, is working for me BIG TIME, and i am reaping the benefit's in a big way, with such a total turn around of my life, and i'm so much happier. Our new AF life is scary, but for me, it's exciting too! The possibilities are breathtaking, so breathtaking, that for me, i need to be %100 AF to be able to fathom the possibilities, and have the courage to act, and go get it. As i continue on with this AF lark though, i am increasingly feeling that i will likely never go back to the grog. Certainly at this point why would i? I know at the moment, my only interest in drinking would be to get numb and sloshed. Sad but true. lol.

Keep it going and trust yourself. AF life is the truth, and there are no negatives in being sober. And you know what? It just get's better and better.

Best wishes, and keep running! G-bloke.

[Guitarista]

Clarity

Hi Beachbump.

Great stuff on 37 day's. Keep it going!

[Lavande]

Clarity

Very well said Vintage Girl & a big congrats to you

I'm very happy for you!

[byebyebridgetjones]

Clarity

What a lovely post. I'm so pleased for you.

Bridget

[Jolie]

Clarity

VG - great post! I so agree with you - the longer AF time I achieve, the more I realize that the initial "numb" feeling that AL gives you is just not worth what is waiting on the other side.

You are doing great!

[vintage girl]

Clarity

Thanks everyone. I look up to so many of you who posted here, and what has been written is really heartening. It's so good to be able to have the understanding of others...to be not 'alone' in this.

You all have given me lots to think about, thank you for the insightful and thoughtful comments and for letting me ramble!

Sometimes I tend to overthink things, but it is good to be able to put my thoughts out there and know that some people actually understand what's going on.

:thanks: