My angry husband.

[autumn]

My darling husband husband was quite rightly incredibley angry and hurt with me in my destructive drinking days. Actually it was probably for the best part of our relationship, he is not really a drinker and utterly does not understand the whole alkie thing. His advice was always, 'just stop after two, and switch to lemonade' (Oh how I wished it was that easy)

I always put his bad grumpiness and short fuse down to my drinking as I was always drunk, and just swallowed the guilt, and took his disappointment on-board, as I had caused it. But since sobering up, he is still grumpy, bad tempered and not always great to be around.

However, in a huge row last night it came out that he has no respect for me and he is struggling to try to undo 12 years of hurt I have caused him. He is a typical, stiff upper lip type of guy and not one to share feelings easily. So talking openly is difficult I have tried and tried to explain where I am and the alkie cravings, but he just doesn't 'get it'.

I am hurt that he has not recognised my sobriety, nor understood how much of a battle its been. But am I then being utterly selfish as how can I expect 6 months to undo 12 years of hurt I have caused him?

Any suggestions as to how I can get us back on track? I am going to go back and see my counsellor. He has been to Al anon once, but figured it wasn't for him. I know he needs to talk to someone, I just don't know how to pursued him to seek help too.

[madmans]

My angry husband.

Hi Autumn , i don't think anyone who is not an alkie would ever 'get it', your doing great on your 6 months AF , it might take time to win back his respect . He seems like a good man if he has stuck by you for 12 years and remember we all have our bad days but at the same time you have now taken his golden arrow away , the drinking one that was used against you in a row so it's a bit unfair to throw that in your face after all the effort you have made

[Doggygirl]

My angry husband.

This is a really really really good topic I think. I definitely allowed my husband to treat me badly (not violence or anything) out of guilt and shame for my drinking. I didn't really feel worthy of excellent treatment.

As I grow in sobriety, I am less and less inclined to tolerate bad treatment. I stick up for myself. I try to atone for my past in the very best way possible - doing better today. Treating my husband better, being responsible, addressing it right away if I do something I shouldn't.

One think I can't do is change my husband. Only he can change him just like only I can change me. I thank God every day that for the most part, he is a good man who treats me very well. (hey - I have my bad days too sometimes!)

If he was NOT the person I know he can be - if he were grumpy all the time or holding the past over my head non-stop, something would have to change. I would not be willing to be held hostage in my marriage over past mistakes - not in the long term anyway. No doormat here!

Counseling and Alanon are excellent tools. Only he can decide if he's going to use them!

DG

[hart]

My angry husband.

Oh hon I totally understand. My story is a little different. My hubby is the one that when he doesn't drink he gets moody as all out at times. I don't want him to drink just to chill, I want him to go to another doctor (his present one stinks) and get a different anti-d. But I can't make him.

You can't make your hubby accept you are sober and forget the resentment he has been keeping bottled up. Only he can let it go. You have to keep in mind as I have to keep in mind. It's up to our hubby's what they decide to do. We can be supportive, but I am not going to take responsibility for his bad mood and you shouldn't take responsibility that he is choosing to hold onto his resentment.

Let's just maintain our sobriety and be gentle with ourselves.

[jobe1023]

My angry husband.

Sometimes I feel my wife resents me more now that I’m sober. I wake up in the morning happy I’m working-out every day I’ve lost 15 pounds and I just feel great. I think she sometimes wants me to suffer the way I made her suffer (nothing physical but I could be a butt). Not sure what to do about this don’t want to go through the rest of my life saying I’m sorry .My sister stopped drinking 6 years ago and it almost cost her, her marriage they went to couples therapy and hung together and are very happy today. So I will hang in there.

[Doggygirl]

My angry husband.

Resentment is a funny thing. I used to think when I felt resentful that it was somebody else's fault, and that somebody else needed to rectify it.

While there are times when resentment is "righteous" (i.e. I have every right to be mad), there is NOBODY but me who can rectify it, and make me stop feeling resentful. The good news is that I have the power to stop feeling resentful - it's inside me all the time. It's not always easy to let a resentment go, but it is getting easier the more I work on it.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is really any way we CAN stop another person being resentful towards us. Only they can decide to do that.

Here is my favorite saying about resentment: "Resentment is like drinking poison and then waiting for someone else to die."

:H

Counseling and/or Alanon...... yes.

DG

[autumn]

My angry husband.

Thanks guys,

You have all helped immensely to put it into perspective. I did take the blame for everything, and I felt I desrved it as I was a drunken mess.

He is a good man who has really stuck by me, and yes he has lost his golden arrow, and my sobriety has uncovered quite a few cracks in us. I wont take the blame anymore out of guilt. The drunkedn card was played at every opertunity by him. I guess we both have to re-adjust to living with new people.

It's a really scarey situation, I have heard of people in AA splitting up when they become sober and I am petrified it might happen to us.

I will have to keep working on him to go and speak to some one about how he feels. It's easy to forget he has been part of the hellish rollercoaster ride too.

You are all so right, I can't take ownership for his feeling or behaviour. But I can try to rebuild the trust. I could take him to an open AA meeting? Failing that, am I allowed to go to an Alanon meeting?? Now theres a bizare thought, not being allowed in an alanon meeting...lol

Thanks all x

[Lavande]

My angry husband.

autumn,

I could have written this post myself!

My husband became grumpy & miserable when he turned 42. Before that he was a bit difficult but also had his good moments too. After years of living with his silent treatment & miserableness I started medicating myself with a bottle of wine. The longer his foul mood went on the more I drank. It was one evil fueling the other! Then I quit! I thought for sure that his mood would improve when he saw my former self emerge, happy, healthy & optimistic. I was wrong, his low mood continued & he walked out of our 37 year marriage last year - a full year after my quit.

I had to learn the hard way.......we are not responsible for someone's moods - they are!
I did have a hand in forcing him into pyschiatric treatment 8 years ago for his severe & chronic depression but he stopped going way too soon. He is resisting any treatment now so I'm losing hope. I am focusing on myself, my grown kids & grandchildren. I am grateful to be feeling strong & commited to my promise to remain AF.

Do what you have to do to take care of yourself first. Maybe your husband will follow your lead, you never know.

Wishing you the best!
Lav

[Doggygirl]

My angry husband.

Autumn, there are "open" meetings for both AA and Alanon where anyone is welcome. I don't know how common this is, but there is an open meeting once a month at the Club where I go. Each meeting has an AA speaker, and Alanon speaker, and and Alateen speaker. That meeting really offers the full family perspective. You can either look at meeting schedule on line or call the phone number for your area to find out what sorts of meetings are on the agenda.

One thing is for sure, I can only work on me and my husband can only work on him. We have to work together on "us." *I* can't fix him or "us."

DG

[autumn]

My angry husband.

Thanks DG,

I will check that out and suggest that we both go. I am just so desperate for him to talk to some one and not bottle up all him anger and resentment.

You're right, all I can do is fix me, and let him work on himself. But it really is such a massive guilt thing. I really do feel awful for all he went through.

What is it with us Alkies and bloody guilt? Guilty for drinking, and now still guilty even though I have stopped! We are really quite complex underneath!

[Doggygirl]

My angry husband.

Autumn, sometimes I think we are complex, and sometimes I think we just overcomplicate a really simple thing. :nutso::H

One thing I know is that the guilt has got to go. I try to just move through each day doing the very best I can at the "next right thing." As long as I do my best today, I don't need to feel guilty today. I think that's a good place to start. We can't change the past and who knows what the future will bring, right? I like just feeling good about my actions today.

You could also pick a meeting you think you'd like to attend, invite Mr. Autumn to go, and then you could go with or without him. If you go a few times you are likely to meet someone you can relate to - someone with some insights that might help you. (or maybe not! one never knows until one goes...)

Anyway, I wish you well. There are lots of adjustments for everyone around us too when we get sober.

DG

[stellatoshine]

My angry husband.

Firstly well done Autumn!! I have not yet managed to do day one again. My relationship is a big part of the problem. we used to be heavy drinkers together, until the day he decided to detox without telling me or including me. What we shared has now gone. He resents and looks down on me for continuing to drink. Yet at the same time he doesn't want me to stop. While I'm still drinking he has the upper hand, he has control, I am always in the wrong! I am not always in the wrong, but I can't argue my case if I have been drinking. Getting pissed="It's your fault, regardless of what I have done, not done or said!" I know the only way to stop this is to get back on an even playing field, but then I think I will be saying goodbye to a 12 yr relationship!

[Doggygirl]

My angry husband.

Stella that has got to be so hard. Mr. Doggy quit a substance too - just not AL. I couldn't imagine a long term where one of us was still "using" and the other not. I feel for you.

If I had a choice of continuing to drink until death, or sober up and lose a 12 year relationship, I would sober up. Sober I have a future and drunk I don't. It's that simple for me.

DG

[Doggygirl]

My angry husband.

Good to see you Zen. I :H too when I first heard that one. So true.

Yes the nice thing about going to an open Alanon meeting (especially a speaker meeting format) would be the ability to just sit back and listen and not have to engage if you (he) doesn't want to. Going to counseling might feel a little more difficult - would be hard to avoid engaging.

DG

[LVT25]

My angry husband.

Hi Autumn,
You have gotten some really great and sound advice here. The guilt I believe comes from a condition called "Co-dependency". I have it too. I'll bet your hubby and my hubby and most addicts or people who love addicts suffer from this "condition."

My first thought was yeah, he needs Al-anon. But you said he is tight lipped and uncommunicative. Sounds a lot like my hubby and there is no way in hell mine would go to a meeting or counseling. If you can get him to talk feelings with you, that will help you to feel better at least. I'm wondering if he isn't a little afraid to let go and completely trust that you will stay sober this time. He has his guard up? I know that feeling quite well too unfortunately. It may take quite some time for the trust and respect to come back. I do think it would help a great deal if he would agree to some counseling or al-anon. But if he isn't open to that there are some good books that might help. One is called "Co-Dependent No More". It would be good for you both to read it.

Everyone is right-- you can only fix you. Focus on that, and if he is the kind of man you think he is, he will come around. Hang in there, and whatever you do, don't start drinking again because you think that's what he expects.:h:l