OK I'll admit it ! ..................

[propartychief]

OK 1st I am not drunk right now!!!! Maybe that is why I am even posting this.

I am a fucking failure and a fraud!!!
I just went back and read ALL my old post.
I can't believe that was me !!!

I don't post anymore.
I only go into chat and not even near as much as before.
(As I can not really contribute any positive thoughts on AF time)
But I HAVE to drop in to see the ones that I love. (And that is pretty much ALL of you)

I was doing so well!!
WTF !! Happened??

I can't put my finger on a day or a trigger.
I had almost 11 month's sober.
But I have let myself fall back into the embrace of AL again!!

I started this time at maybe the lowest time in my life.
Well nothing has got any better.

20 months later still no job.
No Family.
No car.
I met a lady in TX (that after over 2 years of being single) that opened my heart to her.
And she knew all the above and still we "hit it off" so well!!!
She was a BIG reason I made the decision to move back home. (to Texas)
Tonight she told me (via txt):
FWD:Yes im alive. Yes im busy. Too busy to cultivate any new friendships right now. I appreciate ur concern . WTF !!!!


I really don't think I stand a chance at AF until I "get a life"!!!
I do want it !
But maybe I have accepted the true limits of the power in me????
And it is TRULY a hard thing for me to accept that I have ANY limits !!!!

So I don't really know why I'm posting this.
I have NO plan.
No future!
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing !!!!

I guess to say I'm sorry.
And to explain my backing off so much.

ps. WOW !!! I just went back and read this!! Sorry for the rant/ramble!!

MUCH LOVE & PEACE !!!!!

Bob

[Zeppie2]

OK I'll admit it ! ..................

hiya Props - good to hear from you. I know it's hard to do but get your AF sorted and the life will come along after. Trust me.
Love Zeps

[propartychief]

OK I'll admit it ! ..................

TY Zep !!
I just don't know if I have it in me anymore!

Bob

[Seethepony]

OK I'll admit it ! ..................

Dare I suggest you give baclofen a spin? Then the AF bit becomes a doddle, and life's problems suddenly don't look like such biggies...

[sunshinetoday]

OK I'll admit it ! ..................

Hi Bob,
I thank you for your honesty. Sometimes just putting yourself out there and sharing what your feeling has some relief in it. I don't really have any advice, except I hope the best for you. AL definitely will not make you feel any better. Thinking of you and wishing you well.

[Grateful]

OK I'll admit it ! ..................

Hey, Bob. I'm really sorry about your lady friend's text....you deserve better! I also agree with Zeppie about getting the AF sorted-but I know how hard it is. I can only say that you have so many friends here that you can lean on...let them help and don't be a stranger. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It's about time for good things to happen in your life!!!

xx

[spuddleduck]

OK I'll admit it ! ..................

bob, your post speaks volumes. i guess your not doing too well at being af. well what can i say. i do think one thing you say is wrong. 'you dont have a chance at af until you get a life' . if you're anything like me you dont have a chance at life until you get af.. CATCH 22
I dont have much help to offer but i want you to know im hearing you BIG TIME. just putting a little poem for you ... it helps me sometimes
MOUNTAINS FALL AND SEAS DIVIDE
BEFORE THE ONE WHO IN HIS STRIDE
TAKES THE HARD ROAD DAY BY DAY
SWEEPING OBSTACLES AWAY
BELIEVE IN YOU SELF AND IN YOUR PLAN
SAY NOT I CAN NOT BUT I CAN
THE PRIZES IN LIFE ARE YOURS TO WIN
IF YOU BELIEVE IN THE POWER WITHIN

if it wasnt all in capitals i would have put ' if you belive in the power within' in capitals. YOU KNOW YOU HAVE IT. dig deep and find it

[propartychief]

OK I'll admit it ! ..................

Thank's you all for the response.
I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.
I just feel like I don't know where to turn or what to do.
I fucking HATE my existence ! (Yes I say "existence" because it is NOT a life)

Bob

[sunshine_gg]

OK I'll admit it ! ..................

:l PP

No better advice than what has already been said. Thinking of you!

[red67]

OK I'll admit it ! ..................

[pre]I fucking HATE my existence ! (Yes I say "existence" because it is NOT a life)

I felt that same way when I was drinking. Right after I quit drinking I was doing some cleaning and came across envelopes and pieces of paper that I had written on when I was drunk. I wrote horrible mean things about myself and my life. The drinking made my thinking so depressing and I was shocked to read those things. I was existing day to day and going thru the motions. I was dead inside and really saw no value to me or my life.

Now that I am not drinking everything is different, not perfect, but definately better. When something isn't going right I don't "awefulize" it like I did when I was drinking. I think about it and if I can't figure it out I just accept that sometimes things are not perfect and they are not supposed to be. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to - as long as I am not drinking.


I just don't know if I have it in me anymore[/pre]!

You do, you just have to trust yourself. Have you tried AA, SMART or any recovery group. I did SMART meetings when I first went AL Free and it really helped to form my thoughts for living without AL and why I wanted to. I don't necessarily like meetings but that group definately helped get me in the right direction. I also did lots of reading and thinking about how I could remake my life once I quit drinking. Your mind and your thoughts are very powerful. For me I looked at the last years of my life when I was trying everyway to figure out how to quit drinking as planting seeds. Well finally they grew and now I feel stronger than I have in over a decade.

Keep posting!

[rubywillow]

OK I'll admit it ! ..................

Propy, FOCUS!! You KNOW I don't BS you you. This is about YOU and your life, not what's going on, not the people who come in and out of it. Get you better, baby, and where you want to be. Then the good things will come. They may not be what you've had before, or what you think you wanted. But have you REALLY thought about what you want, when you're totally sober, not thinking about the depressing past?
I truly care about you Bob. We've been friends a long while. When someone else is looking in, they see things when we post about ourselves we don't. No one else has the answer. You do. And I know enough about you to know you CAN overcome all this, and move on. The past is for pictures, memories, but the future is for new hopes and dreams. Today, it's what we decide to do with it. If it's to dwell on our losses, then that will be our future. And you have the personality, the skills, to move on.
Leave the past, Bob. If you can't work, you're sad, TRY to think about what's good. Please, as your friend, I ask you to move on, within yourself, your personality, your drive, and your heart.

[Ringing Cedars]

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Rethinking is good Pro--just don't get caught up in the never ending loop of thinking without action and put your energies into the never ending process of doing and possibilities. Some days it's just one foot in front of the other--just don't place them aimlessly friend. Been there done that...... xo