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Leaving my 'husband'

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    #1

    Leaving my 'husband'

    When I stopped drinking, I finally got my boyfirend of 17 years (he never married me, because he never divorced his wife) to finally deal with his drug addiction. I had hopes that we could be clean and sober together and be happy. Well, he told me that he will always 'use' but not to the extent he was before. I know that he cannot be a causal user. So, I see no hope and the wind has come out of my sails---I have to leave and I am afraid to tell him. But at the end of the day I just am not happy and I feel defeated!

    I am in the process of looking for my own place. Once I have all my ducks in a row, I will tell him I am leaving and then go that same day. If I stay any longer then that, I am afraid he will make me feel guilty and I will stay.

    Any words of advice would be great
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    #2
    Leaving my 'husband'

    Well I'm a drunk who has promised my wife a hundred times i would get sober. I've gotten so good at hiding it I think i am doing a good job being sober most of the time. This morning (after catching me glassy eyed drunk last night) she said "you really won't quit until i leave."

    She is leaving on a business the next 9 days and i plan to get my act together.

    Good luck- maybe leaving will finally do the trick.

    Comment

      #3
      Leaving my 'husband'

      Wonka, that must feel really painful. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. :l You know they say if the plane is going down, put your mask on first. You have to do that; you simply MUST put yourself first here. You seem to know in your heart what is best and you really must be true to yourself. Leaving the day of breaking the news is probably a good idea too - and the sooner the better. Painful as it is to leave, you deserve a clean, sober mate to share a happy life.
      sigpic
      Thoughts become things..... choose the good ones. ~TUT

      Comment

        #4
        Leaving my 'husband'

        matchee;1117447 wrote: Well I'm a drunk who has promised my wife a hundred times i would get sober. I've gotten so good at hiding it I think i am doing a good job being sober most of the time. This morning (after catching me glassy eyed drunk last night) she said "you really won't quit until i leave."

        She is leaving on a business the next 9 days and i plan to get my act together.

        Good luck- maybe leaving will finally do the trick.
        A little background here.

        My wife recently got liposuction and breast implants. She looks like a supermodel. She's done all kinds of things like tanning- color contacts. She looks fantastic and I'm incredibly attracted to her but I knew she was working late last night and opted for some vodka.

        This morning- she said "I guess you choose the bottle over me"

        I"m such an idiot- I love her and would do anything for her.


        Except stop drinking....

        Comment

          #5
          Leaving my 'husband'

          Wonka, you deserve a man who deserves you. This man does not. If you feel the only way you can feel okay about being with him is to be constantly drinking , that should tell you this man is not the one for you (or for his wife I suspect). You are worth more than that. Your health and happiness is worth more than that. Get out, make a new start, sober, single and with hope and dignity. You deserve it.

          Comment

            #6
            Leaving my 'husband'

            Wonka...I think it is a great idea that you are finding a place of your own first before telling him...I did the same thing many moons ago when my partner was "casually" using and it was not a good environment for my kids or for me. It was still hard the day I left, but I am a much better person for it. It sounds like you are on the right path to taking care of you. Best of luck. :l
            Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

            Comment

              #7
              Leaving my 'husband'

              Thank you all so much for the support.
              I have come to the conclusion that I don't make him want to be a better man for me--and that says a lot. We both deserve to be happy, and frankly, I am not responsible for his happiness. If I was, then life would be great because I have tried a long time. That being said, I am terribly sad, anxous, and worried about how this whole thing will unfold.

              Will keep you posted. Again, your support helps me a lot.

              Wonka


              Just to clarify, he did leave his wife 20 years ago, they just never divorced.

              Comment

                #8
                Leaving my 'husband'

                Wonk, we go through so many things in our lives. Learn from this. Be sure you have EVERYTHING you can think of ready, (mementoes, anything special) and just go. If he is serious about a relationship, and not leaning on it to just have some support for his own selfish habits, he will have a little while to think about it once you're gone.
                Too many people are in relationships where they 'exist'. This may be our only shot at life. Why should it be negative, unhappy. The old saying comes to mind - 'I can do bad by myself'.
                Best wishes to you. It's truly hard to give advice about matters of the heart. But I TRULY don't understand the phrase 'casual user'. And where does it lead? Take care, and follow your gut, OK?
                sigpic
                Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
                awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

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                  #9
                  Leaving my 'husband'

                  Wonka, I can't add anything to the great comments already offered. Just wanted you to know you have another supporter. We can't change other people. Only ourselves. You are addressing what YOU can control by leaving the situation. Sounds like the right decision. :l

                  DG
                  Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
                  Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

                  One day at a time.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Leaving my 'husband'

                    Doggygirl;1117584 wrote: Wonka, I can't add anything to the great comments already offered. Just wanted you to know you have another supporter. We can't change other people. Only ourselves. You are addressing what YOU can control by leaving the situation. Sounds like the right decision. :l

                    DG
                    Quoting Doggygirl because she took the words right out of my mouth.:agreed:
                    I quit drinking on March 8, 2020. Taking it One Day At A Time and no more taking my quit for granted.

                    Also doing it for me. I got to stay sober for me.

                    Just consecrate on today and do what you can to remain sober for today and worry about staying sober tomorrow, tomorrow.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Leaving my 'husband'

                      matchee;1117452 wrote: A little background here.

                      My wife recently got liposuction and breast implants. She looks like a supermodel. She's done all kinds of things like tanning- color contacts. She looks fantastic and I'm incredibly attracted to her but I knew she was working late last night and opted for some vodka.

                      This morning- she said "I guess you choose the bottle over me"

                      I"m such an idiot- I love her and would do anything for her.


                      Except stop drinking....
                      Yeah you can - and I have to too for different reasons. Don't cut back - just cut.


                      Wonka - God bless you and walk with you during this time.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Leaving my 'husband'

                        life is what it is

                        Wonka;1117441 wrote: When I stopped drinking, I finally got my boyfirend of 17 years (he never married me, because he never divorced his wife) to finally deal with his drug addiction. I had hopes that we could be clean and sober together and be happy. Well, he told me that he will always 'use' but not to the extent he was before. I know that he cannot be a causal user. So, I see no hope and the wind has come out of my sails---I have to leave and I am afraid to tell him. But at the end of the day I just am not happy and I feel defeated!

                        I am in the process of looking for my own place. Once I have all my ducks in a row, I will tell him I am leaving and then go that same day. If I stay any longer then that, I am afraid he will make me feel guilty and I will stay.

                        Any words of advice would be great
                        hi wonka i think it is sad today:upset:,when people are tired of a relationship they pick up there bags and leave,even if there not married,that is the trend today,my son to is going thro similar,dated the girl for 5 years,then moved in together. lasted a few months,,so she left cause there were a lot of issues,they get along great now,wonder why,life is not ment to be around your spouse all the time:upset:,being a couple whether married or not is work,just think if you happen to find someone else you have to start all over,addiction is not easy,iwish you well gyco

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Leaving my 'husband'

                          Wonka,
                          Just to echo everything already said, and I wish you well in finding the strength and courage to make the transition. :l:h:l
                          Aut
                          I can not alter the direction of the wind,

                          But I can change the direction of my sail.


                          AF since 01/05/2014

                          100 days 07/08/2014

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Leaving my 'husband'

                            Just wanted to wish you luck!

                            Ive learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances. -Martha Washington

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Leaving my 'husband'

                              Wonka

                              Been there done that. Lived with an alcoholic who introduced me to drinking and other slightly perverted things that I would forever feel shame over. I went on a family holiday for 9 days and he got himself engaged and threw me out on the street. So, I struggled everyday with my drinking and lack of a home to live in. He has issues that are no longer my concern. I need to rebuild myself to stand on my own and get this monkey called booze off my back. I am going to my dr and see if these new meds will work for me.

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