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I will not go there again, for that way lies insanity.

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    #1

    I will not go there again, for that way lies insanity.

    Just come out of a week of sporadic drinking (after almost 6 months of 99% AF) and been totting up the cost financially, physically and emotionally.

    I lost $45 because I didn't go to my part time job (hungover)
    I will most likely have to pay almost $300 that I don't have in extra supervision costs for the 2 days of school that I missed (hungover, depressed, no motivation).
    Including the alcohol, I am therefore around $400 worse off with NOTHING positive to show for it.

    Emotionally, I was shocked at how instantly I returned to my former thinking patterns of self hatred, guilt, shame, deceit, misery, lack of enthusiasm or motivation and general hopelessness and despair. Alcohol sounds so tempting when I frame it like that doesn't it?

    Physically, I was sick on Sunday morning, most of Tuesday and Wednesday, felt rough Thursday and Friday. Just feeling ok today after a good long sleep.

    I missed hanging out with friends last Sunday because I was too hungover to go and it was the most beautiful day. I had to quickly stash one bottle of wine in my room when my boyfriend unexpectedly turned up on Thursday and make it seem like I then just opened one bottle. He said later that I was acting weird - the fact is I can't remember hardly any of what I said or did that night. He does know about my problem and tries to be supportive but I realize there are certain ways he enabled me this week (without meaning to). I can see that when I drink in that kind of frenzied way, AL does actually make me go a bit loopy. Not good.

    I hate how this puts me back in a position of having to apologize for behaviour that I'm ashamed of. Someone once said to me "either stop saying sorry or stop doing the stuff you're sorry for" - I refuse to become that person again who was constantly looking for forgiveness after drinking.

    In the big scheme of things, I have done pretty well this year. 3 months straight AF and then just a few occasions of mostly controlled drinking. This week was different in that it was a return to the old patterns - destructive in every way. I have identified the triggers (lonely, emotional, feeling sorry for myself, deciding that others don't care for me (so not true) and so I didn't care about myself, scared of the future, wanting to numb). I wish I had asked for help and company instead of STILL thinking that I can/have to fight this battle on my own.

    I have the greatest admiration for everyone who is hanging in there. Apart from this week, 2011 has been an excellent year. Too much to say about all the ways my life IMPROVED since stopping drinking and not a thread long enough to cover all the reasons it nosedives as soon as AL is in the picture.

    I, for one, am back on the AF horse! Lessons learned.
    Bean
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    #2
    I will not go there again, for that way lies insanity.

    Good to hear. AL is an evil demon with nothing but bad with it.
    I quit drinking on March 8, 2020. Taking it One Day At A Time and no more taking my quit for granted.

    Also doing it for me. I got to stay sober for me.

    Just consecrate on today and do what you can to remain sober for today and worry about staying sober tomorrow, tomorrow.

    Comment

      #3
      I will not go there again, for that way lies insanity.

      Hi Bean,

      Sorry you have had such a hard time of it recently. I know exactly what you mean when you write "returning to old patterns". I had nearly 6 months of sobriety under my belt and then gave into moderation which quickly spiralled into those old patterns you describe. Getting sober is a process. As you have also written, 2011 has been an excellent year for you. Don't beat yourself up, that wont help. Staying sober each day will. Peace
      While we may not be able to control all that happens to us, we can control what happens inside us.
      Benjamin Franklin

      Comment

        #4
        I will not go there again, for that way lies insanity.

        Hi Bean

        Had been wondering how you were getting along. Just wanted to say you always show a true perspective of where you are at and it mirrors so many of us. All the best for your next steps forward. hp

        Comment

          #5
          I will not go there again, for that way lies insanity.

          Great stuff Bean.

          And your acheivements have been huge this year. 3 months AF? Sensational! Alcohol is a liar, and poison. We don't need it to have a good time, or to handle life, or the unknown. So true how you describe returning to those old self hate emotion's. I immediately err toward's the negative with any alcohol in my system, and i don't like that feeling of fear, anxiety, not being in control.

          Keep it going, and do it!

          'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

          Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

          Comment

            #6
            I will not go there again, for that way lies insanity.

            Bean, it's so great that you see it for what it is after a short time off the wagon. Good going to get right back on and move in a positive direction. AL took me back to that dark place so fast it wasn't funny. Then I struggled so hard to get firmly back on the wagon. Not goin' there again!

            DG
            Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
            Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

            One day at a time.

            Comment

              #7
              I will not go there again, for that way lies insanity.

              Bean, I'm sorry you had to go through this but maybe you did ~ to get the lesson learned once & for all.
              The drinking triggers you identified are identical to mine!!! I feel for you, I really do. But I also want you to know that you can get past all that! I found (and still do) that surrounding myself with happy, loving people keeps me from sinking into that lonely thinking. And I've been listening to a lot of inspirational speakers on Hayhouseradio.com Very helpful as well.

              Wishing you the best & glad that you came right back to the fold :l
              You did so well before - you can do it again

              Lav
              AF since 03/26/09
              NF since 05/19/09
              Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

              Comment

                #8
                I will not go there again, for that way lies insanity.

                Hi Bean,
                Way to come right back here. 3 months AF is no easy feat, so good job. If you can go that long you know that you can go longer. I would like to moderate one day, but I don't think that is a viable option for me because of where I've been and what I've done with AL. I think I would simply go back to the way I was. I think I would have a similar experience to yours. Just know there is always support and comfort waiting here for you!

                Ive learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances. -Martha Washington

                Comment

                  #9
                  I will not go there again, for that way lies insanity.

                  Hi Bean,

                  Hope you are keeping well

                  Damo in Dublin
                  Still trying !!!
                  AF 25th June2014

                  Comment

                    #10
                    I will not go there again, for that way lies insanity.

                    Hi Bean,
                    I'm glad your okay and I relate to your post in so many ways. Mostly about your feelings on what sparked the drinking. Also the not wanting to have to say I'm sorry anymore after I'd been drinking. I relate to the frenzy part too. I think your post has a lot of incite. Thanks for sharing your thoughts they have made me really think.
                    :l
                    I hope you feel better soon. :h

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