Confident and scared

[red67]

Hi all, today is day 70 al free for me and so far things have been great. Just wanted to ask the long timers how long it takes, if ever, to lose the scary feeling of returning to the insanity of drinking. So far I find it pretty easy to not drink especially since I drank heavily everyday for almost 10 years. For the last 4 years I looked for every way to quit(counseling, AA, IOP, NAL, hypnosis,tons of reading) nothing worked. One day I just had enough and could not take it anymore. My last drink was March 17th and after a few rough days it has really not been hard. One thing I worry about is if this will last. I read the stories on here and there are some people who go several moths AL free then slip back into the insanity. I am terrified of this. Will it always be this way? Do you get more confident over time? I don't want to always be scared but if I have to I guess it is better than drinking.

I am not trying to offend anyone and I truly hope I have not. All of you have helped me get to a place I have prayed for. Sometimes I feel I don't know how to express myself and I am very sensitive as I know a lot of us are here. This is still so new to me and I don't know how to handle my fears about drinking.

[KateH1]

Confident and scared

Hi Red,
First of all Congratulations on 70 Days and counting, as well as your Firm Comittment to live alcohol free and happily sober!

Your sobriety will last as long as YOU Stay Comitted to it! Since you asked,I will share a bit of my journey with you. I was fortunate to share my journey with others here who were also comitted to sobriety no matter what! There is an older thread called The 30, 60, 90 Days and Beyond thread started by Wonderworld if you care to check it out! Anyway....I was immediately grateful for the lack of feeling hungover every day and gradually the anxiety and depression began to lift. But although I was physicaly stronger.....the first 6 months I did experience emotional ups and downs along with sudden and expected cravings. My 3 main tools for pushing through these times were exercise (in particular taking walks), meditation and coming here to read, post and chat. I also worked diligently on myself, my thoughts and how I lived. The old ways no longer fit into the new life that I was creating!

With each month and year of sobriety it does get easier not to think of drinking. These days I go months without the thought of drinking and life, even with major challenges, is so much better and easier to navigate through!!

Wishing You Much Peace, Joy and Success!
Kate

[red67]

Confident and scared

Thanks Katie! Most of the time I am surprisingly strong in this fight but sometimes I get a bit scared of returning to that horrible existence. It definitely keeps me grounded to read the posts here.

Looking forward to a very productive memorial day weekend with no AL!!!! I am so proud of myself, I could not even imagine a long weekend without being wasted just a few short months ago.

[spuddleduck]

Confident and scared

red67, well done on 70 days and well done for thinking in advance about what could go wrong. my advice would be to not let yourself get complacent about your sobriety, remember you are one drink away from a drunk.
i had 3 wonderful sober months early last year. like you, apart from a few rough days in the begining i found it fairly easy, i almost felt guilty that others who had started around the same time as me had slipped back to drinking. i had also asked the question 'why do people go back to drinking after a sober period'..... i really couldnt understand why anyone would give up such a wonderful sober life.
well, what can i say, just under 3 months i drank.... just one day, just one binge. a month later i did it again and have slowly gone back to more regular drinking (no where near as bad as i was though, for that i am grateful)
nothing had happened to make me take that first drink, i really think i just took my eye off the ball, complacency had set in. as it was my first serious attempt to stop drinking i almost felt i had to test my self by having a drink.... BIG MISTAKE... if i could re-wind to that day i would not have taken that path/that drink.
so keep up the good work, and keep aware of yourself

[red67]

Confident and scared

Spuds, thanks I really understand what you are saying. That's what I am most afraid of is giving in just once cause I know it will lead back to where I was. I have to win everytime and AL just needs one win to break me. I guess it is healthy to keep the fear of drinking on my mind so I will always know to be on guard.

Thanks!

[Doggygirl]

Confident and scared

Hey Red! First off congrats on 70 days AF!! That is fABulous!! :yougo::yougo:

I can totally relate to that fear of relapse you are feeling. I felt it too. Since you have already been there (per your post) I don't know if going back would be helpful. But at about 8.5 months sober, I couldn't take the nagging fear any more and I went to AA. I guess that gave me something new to work on and I can honestly say I haven't felt that fear (nor the compulsion to drink) in a long time. I'm sure just getting more time helped. But I have really enjoyed learning and growing within AA too.

As the others have said, keep sobriety your #1 priority and "not drinking" will keep getting easier and easier. The way to make it REALLY DIFFICULT is to get into the relapse loop. For me, that was very very difficult to break back out of once I was in it. I'm determined to never go there again.

DG

[red67]

Confident and scared

Thanks Sheri and Doggy, I am determined to make this a forever choice - no relapse cycles for me. I have NO delusions about ever drinking again, it was like being in a war zone and it was horrible. I know that one drink would set me on that slippery slope and I would slide all the way back very quickly.

I have been thinking about trying AA again because honestly the times I have tried before I wasn't really committed to be AL free. I really need to make new friends and work on me since I have stayed emotionally stagnant for most of my adult life. I do have my SMART Recovery meetings also but they are only once a week and I feel I need to fill in some more time during the week.

One thing I am definately grateful for (and its a small thing relatively) is living 2 blocks from the liquor store and not being compelled to go there on my way home. No longer am I fixated about 9pm, I can't tell you how it always felt to check if I had enough liquor and if I did not I would have to make sure to get to the liquor store by 9pm. Threre were many times I drove there half drunk just to get more so that I could be wasted the whole night instead of just half of the night. Now I could care less what time it is, I just go to bed when I feel tired and have a great nights sleep and wake up sober (tired cause I am not a morning person - but still sober).

I still remember the day (March 19th) that I gave the last of my Alcohol to my nephew to get it out of my house. I just knew when I did that I was done for good. Never could I have imagined doing that in all my drinking years. Without it in the house I really don't think about it and when I do it is way easier to stop thinking about it then when I tried to "control" my drinking.

Ok enough rambling...back to work for me.

[KateH1]

Confident and scared

Hi Again, Red,
Reading your posts and this thread is really what MWO is all about for me. Sharing our comittment to sobriety and gaining strength and clarity from one another!

I wanted to share one more thought that has really helped me. Once, when I was having one of those crazy thoughts about having "just one glass of wine" with dinner (at the time was was about 1.5 years AF)....this thought came out of no where.....I thought about this for about a minute and then I started laughing at myself! Right out loud....talking to myself, I said....."Right Kate, like ever in your life, you only wanted one glass of wine!". Now, when the thought of having just one drink crosses my mind....I remember back to that moment of clarity!

Have a wonderful happy and sober weekend everyone!!

Kate

[Marshy]

Confident and scared

Hi red67,

Congratulations on 70 days! I was scared for a long time about returning to my old ways but I saw the fear as a positive thing that helped protect me from going back to drinking.
I'm not scared any more but I am on guard.

Have a nice long sober weekend!

[sunshinetoday]

Confident and scared

Hi red,
I am right behind your 70 days and I know what you are saying. I am concerned to. I have not decided about my entire future with AL or not with AL, but I have certainly had enough scares with AL to never have it in my life again. Thank you for putting this post out there.

[LostInThailand]

Confident and scared

Hi Red
Fantastic news,,,,well done on 70 days.
I'll have joined you in another.....few?......hmm......67 days..:H

Great post Sheri :thanks:

[red67]

Confident and scared

Thanks sunshine and LIT. It really helps to have support in this journey.

LIT, I read your posts about rational recovery and the addictive voice and that is exactly how I am tackling this demon.

Lets keep fighting this together!

[mario]

Confident and scared

Well done on your 70 days red, great going.
When I stopped drinking first I put little goals/promises in place to stay sober and as I reached the goal I moved it further away again,Im taking it one week/month at a time works and then it comes natural enough.