Other People

[cad]

can i first say what a pleasure and and support just reading all of the posts are here..the are all from the heart which is so warmimg.
i am very new here and this is my first post..so here goes

my probem in part is due to other people. I feel afraid to say i'm not drinking tonight for the fear of people asking questions of me why i am not drinking,so i drink at times just to apease other people...I'm afraid to say i'm not drinking right now for fear of what other people may think of me ie.i may have an alcohol problem,i feel a lot of people on this site feel the same. I a m angry at myself for not being able to let other people in as to my alcohol prblem that in some way i would preferer to die rather than admit that i have an alcohlol problem.
so i just wondered if any one has anything to share on this subject as it does'nt seem right that some of us hfeel we cannot share are shame of drinkking...i guess i feel shame anyway i feel sometimes it would be easiesr to admit i was addicthed to herion at times as i would recieve more understanding.

love to hear you thoughts

[SKendall]

Other People

Hi cad,

I used to worry about this a lot, but as long as you have a glass full of something, soda, coke, etc. people are less likely to ask. Also, I don't think we are in the spotlight as much as we think we are. When we have a problem, we just think people are watching us.

Keep coming here and read the book, it will empower you and you won't feel the shame.

Hilary:welcome:

[xtexan]

Other People

HI cad!

:welcome:

Glad you made it here. You are going to find a lot of understanding here amongst the group in this place.

Other members will be along here to share how they handle the social aspect, and will have other suggestions for you.

One thing is that you can tell others that you are on some medications, like antibiotics, or prescription anti-inflammatory drugs where you have to abstain completely, or just have one or two. That usually works for a lot of folks, and the questions usually stop.

Myself, I have a severe attitude about people trying to coax me to drink anymore these days. Some just say, "No thanks, I've had enough". I have said, "I'm on a new fitness program, and I want to maximize my results". Another good one is, "I'm on a special diet, and alcohol is forbidden".

I'm at the stage now, after almost a year AF, that I just say, "I am not drinking these days" "I'm on the long haul wagon". Whatever works for you.

Lots of people in this world don't drink alcohol. It is forbidden by some religions. In the end, the only justification you need is that taking care of yourself and your health, is a million times more important than possibly causing someone elses feelings to be hurt for a minute or two. Being sober for me, is the right thing to do. If someone else thinks I am weak or unsociable for not drinking, then they are GD dead wrong.

You will find a way, and the other members will offer their ways here in a bit.

Be well, and welcome to the forum. You are not alone.

Neil

[Accountable for Me]

Other People

Funny how we feel like that.

Hi,

I feel as if I can't win most times.

I feel the same in social situations. I don't want people who aren't aware of my problem knowing. Too darn embarrassing. Which is such a shame because I almost feel like a LEPOR! (Not sure how you spell that).

One thing that has helped me, I guess, is just saying "Sorry, I cannot indulge tonight. I have commitments tomorrow and need to be bright-eyed and bushy tailed for". Even if they say "Just have one" I will stick to my guns and decline. They usually leave me alone then. Or I would say, if it is a week night "I don't drink during the week nights. My job is pretty demanding and I need to be on top of my game, or I have a big meeting, or an appointment or whatever." I know these are lame to you and I, but they work. I was saying these before my drinking escalated and they were the truth at the time, but they do work!

On the other hand..... ooooohhh and this really gets me.The people who are aware I have a problem with alcohol (family and close friends) and say I shouldn't drink, encourage me to drink if they are. This is going to be a biggie during the holiday season for me. I am totally dreading Christmas Eve. My family has their dinner then, and it usually is a big piss-fest (pardon the pun). At least this year, I am hoping, I can use the excuse that I need to drive home as it is my daughter's 2nd Christmas and is old enough to enjoy it. And that I want to be in the best of spirits while watching her open her gifts. yeah, yeah, that is a good one.

Point being, is no matter what you use as a method of declining a drink, you don't have to spill your guts out to anyone about your problems with alcohol. It is none of their business!

[eustacia]

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:welcome: Hi CAD!

I'll second what Hilary and Neil have already said and share and anedote about a family friend. A number of years ago when we were just getting to know him, I offered him a glass of wine. He said "No, thank you. I don't drink." After he accepted a glass of sparkling water he said "you think I'm in a 12 Step program, don't you?" I told him that hadn't even crossed my mind because I knew a number of people who just didn't enjoy alcohol but were he a member of such a group, it wouldn't have mattered to me in the least. He then explained that he very much liked to drink but that he had a painful medical condition, cluster headaches, which could be set off if he drank, and so he abstained. Years later, he told me it I was the first person outside of his family and closest circle of friends with whom he had felt comfortable pretending not to drink, but that he had told many people after me that he didn't drink because of his headaches, and no one had ever acted as though he had a drinking problem. Eventually, he realized that although he prided himself in being fair-minded, he was judgmental of others' who drank excessively, and that he should take a careful look at that attitude!

Eustacia

[eustacia]

Other People

Hi, Accountable for Me--

I like your explation. If someone pushed me to drink when I knew that I was going to be driving I would be tempted to add "and I want to be alive for my daughter!" But you're probably nicer than me.

Eustacia

[Robert]

Other People

Tell them you have an ulcer or something like that.

[wwbarb]

Other People

If you told someone you had diabetes, would they try to coax you to eat sugar? No. If you told someone you were allergic to anything, would they say, come on, just one? No, they would walk away, satisfied. Why do people not leave us to our own devises.

That is one of my favorite lines when someone asks me if I want dessert. I say, no thank you I'm allergic to chocolate. To myself I think, I break out in fat.

People our our biggest challenges. Yet, what would we do without 'em!

[Mackeral]

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Hiya Cad...

I know what you mean...I dreaded telling even my wife and parents that i was an alcaholic...I felt like such a let down..and a weak person...
My whole family on both sides enjoy a drink regulary...And i cant be a part of that anymore..

I have only told people who need to know....And the response i got back was excellent....

There are worse things to be than an alcaholic....Especially an alcaholic that is trying their best to do something about it....And is not living their life in a dazed stupor....
Best of luck Cad

[Mackeral]

Other People

wwbarb wrote:

That is one of my favorite lines when someone asks me if I want dessert. I say, no thank you I'm allergic to chocolate. To myself I think, I break out in fat.

Barbs....That is a great Line:H

[lorisunshine]

Other People

I know how you feel!

:welcome: to you CAD. I fully understand how you feel about letting people know. I too could not share it with anybody, as I live in a location where everyone knows me. When I first found this community it was such a revelation that I was not alone. I did fine as long as I came here and posted and read. Then when life handed me another lousy bag of .... I did not come back and fell flat on my face. So here I am again, new like you, doing it all over again. You will be blown away by the kindness and caring, the intellect and the humor. Stick around and you'll be glad you did.
Have a great day. Lori

[InnerStrength]

Other People

I feel i really want to jump in here too with you lovely people because I too have this issue! I think that sometimes, other people are the hardest for me. I find it REALLY hard to say I am not drinking, becasue I feel I will disappoint them or ruin the fun etc. Or be considered boring. Please know that I, in no way, am implying that people who dont drink are boring. But I always worry others might think that. How silly. To sacrifice my own health because I am concerned about others having a good time! I have always been a "people pleaser" and this is something I still struggle with.
And I know what you guys mean - I hate, hate hate admitting to people i have issues with alcohol even though this is nothing to be ashamed of. We are wired differently. People DO understand and think highly of those who are helping themselves. This reminds me of last summer when my hubby and I were enjoying some beer on our little patio. Our neighbour came by and asked about something and I asked if he wanted a beer. He said "no thanks, I dont drink - enjoyed it a bit too much when I was younger". But he sat with us for a bit and we had some laughs. And that was that. I didnt think "oh he is no fun" or anything, I just thought "good for him!" Now that I think more about it, how brave he was to admit that to people he really didnt know well. But I guess he was not embarassed or ashamed. It was just a matter of fact.
How inspiring.
Anyways, just my lil' two cents
Jen

[Popeye]

Other People

Hello cad

I know precisely what you mean. I am still at the stage where my friends haven't grasped the concept that I, Me, Big Drinker Paul, could possibly want to not drink. Most of the time, the car provides a good enough excuse , but I am coming to the stage where I feel I should just tell them.....I don't want to drink tonight or tomorrow night or ever.
I am not ashamed that I am trying to improve myself and if people don't approve of my choice then I'm not going to let it worry me a bit. Mikeupnorth......I think.... posted a couple of days ago about honesty. The part that struck me most was how he had compartmentalized his life - behaving differently in different company. That is where I am now.
I'm not going to make it a big song-and-dance, "coming out" episode. People who care about me will accept that I am doing this for the best, the rest can feel as they wish; I don't care.
Jenneh: I really don't mind being considered boring. I know how boring I can be after a bottle of vodka....a total a$$.

Anyway I hope you all have a good tomorrow.
This is a great site.

[irishlady]

Other People

I so agree with all that has been said, now when anyone offers me a drink I just say " no, thanks, I've given up," and if they say anything about that, then I reply " I'm getting too old for the hangovers " and pass it off as a joke. It usually works.

[memarcie]

Other People

The last time I saw my doc, I said I wasn't really going out in public at all. Of course my situation is different being on meds for hep C. However she did say that it is probably good not to be out in a bar/social/drinking situation at the beginning of abs(she meant AA). Totally makes sense.

The first time I did abs in January 06, I believed I could continue my same lifestyle, same friends, that I had when I was drinking. It worked for a month. I went out and drank soda or water, but the booze got the best of me and I caved. One day it was I'll just have one, then just two, then, I'm back where I started.

Don't put yourself in a situation of doubt especially if you are just starting!

Love to all,
Marcie