A confession

[ATLThrash]

Folks, I am not sure where to put this or what to say...but here goes. I have been lurking around this site of late and so many times wanted to just pour out my heart. But I am ashamed-- over and over good folks on this site slip up and go back to day one and I never begrudge them for it at all. But when it has happened to me recently all I can think is --why should i waste these people's time, they have given good advice and it is only my fault that I have not followed it. I am just writing now because I am hoping that by getting it out I can start to move forward again. I feel as if I am getting to the point where my fear of not being able to accomplish my goals has become so great that it is keeping me from trying. Lately I have gone back to what I term secret drinking-- hiding a couple of extra drinks from my husband when he goes to play his video games or relax. So all he sees is maybe 2 glassses of wine. The "day after" I don't feel physically bad but I am of course very depressed from what I have done. Like so many I try to lose that feeling just for a minute because it is so crushing-- and the cycle repeats. I feel locked in a perpetual cycle of hell -- where I am alone with my problems. Since I tend to beat myself up my husband is always very careful to take a completely opposite approach with me-- as in I will say I have to stop doing X, Y and Z because my inability to do so makes me a weak, fat , gross loser-- and out of kindness he states that I am overreacting or that this or that is not that bad. I know I am not alone as he is the best husband but him being so kind has made my guilt gene go into overdrive and I am just filled with feelings of hate for myself. I recently pretty much cut off an abusive (verbally and emotionally) relationship with my mom (of which many of you are aware). But paradoxically that made me feel guilt to as I was thinking that I should have been able to "fix" that relationship (and again the feelings of failure because I cannot). I feel locked in a cycle of self hatred -- of being up in my own head so much. I am hoping because I shared this that I will not feel so alone. I guess I just want to know that maybe others have felt this way and that they were able to defeat those feelings. I need to do so because while I objectively know I have alot to live for it feels as if I am getting to the point where I am creating an existence that is so bleak that I will feel I have nothing to live for. Thank you for listening, I just had to get that horrid weight off my chest.

[Dave_]

A confession

Hi,
you think too much about it. There is a core issue here that needs to be addressed. Everything else is just noise. I find that life is best dealt with by breaking through all the crap we dump on ourselves and all the crap that every one deems to be important.

The core issue is that your drinking is harmful to you and your quality of life. There is no problem that AL can solve. There is no solution a bottle can deliver. Forget everything else for now. Grasp this one concept and the rest becomes easier. You do not have to beat yourself up. We get the opportunity to live our lives with a strength that normal people will never know. We, when in recovery, have taken on a mountain of a challenge and stared it down.

We are the special people, not the forsaken ones. The rest of the world may look down on us but they will never know the value of struggle like we do. Do not buy into the concept that we should be pitied or ashamed. When you are well you will know that those of us that survive are reborn strong and free. We learn an inner awareness that should be the envy of the normal people out there because we have faced our greatest demons and won.

All the times you have not maintained sobriety are just learning steps, do not be ashamed of them. Harness them and the lessons they have taught you.

Good luck.

[Guitarista]

A confession

Hi Alt thrash,

You are not alone, and we know where you are coming from. Hang in there, and know that you can be free. Go for a 30 day AF stint. Start a thread for support if that help's.

Dave, great post. Would you consider putting your post in our 'toolbox' thread, which is found in the monthly abstinence section?

Best wishes, G-bloke.

[Doggygirl]

A confession

ALT, I relapsed after 60 Days AF (which was the first time I had been AF more than 1 day in about 30 years). I really really struggled after that - just like you describe. I also was not one to come here every day and post about my struggles during that time (it lasted 8 months for me). I wanted to try to fight it alone. I would come and post occassionally, and then maybe get a couple of AF days - but then more relapse and disappearing.

I know for sure that staying away didn't help me. Isolating didn't help me. I need to be in touch with other alcoholics to stay grounded and real about my addiction. I had to come back here and stay here day after day to have a hope of getting back on track. After 8 months AF went by, I still had fear of relapse going on. I was afraid it would somehow sneak up on me and I wouldn't be able to stop myself from drinking. That's when I did something I swore I would NEVER do and went to my first AA meeting.

In a nutshell, I had to stop isolating in order to get and stay focused on the truth, and the prize. (aka Dave's post) I also had to get willing to do some things I had previously been unwilling to do in order to get the prize. I have no idea if those things will be true for you in your journey - just tossing out there what had to happen for me. It has been worth every bit of effort and struggle and humbling events to get here. So don't give up. Change your plan and move forward - together with us.

I too feel like there is a lot of value to understanding what this struggle is all about. To fully understand the private pain that people go though with addiction and recovery. I no longer regret any of these life experiences - even the darkest ones. It all has a purpose.

You are not alone.

DG

[daisy45]

A confession

Hello ALTThrash, what more can anyone say.....Dave has said it all - great post!
All those horrible feelings you are experiencing go hand-in-hand with alcohol! I urge you to take one day at a time.......even 1 day makes a difference to how you feel about yourself; :l

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

A confession

Hi ALTThrash, in the depths of this 'perpetual cycle of hell' as you so aptly put it we are in a dense fog, it is hard to think straight and we can convince ourselves that we are worthless. You say you feel your 'inability to do so makes me a weak, fat , gross loser' well if this were the case would you be posting here? I dont think so, I think you are in a hard place but there is a way out. Not many people get this right first time around but we must never give up. You cant change yesterday but you sure can make today yours and take back the life you and your family deserve.

[Wagoneer]

A confession

ATL - guilt sucks, plain and simple. I can't say anything more than Dave said in his awesome post, but know that you are SO NOT ALONE in all this. We are all one drink away from day one and if anyone says differently, they are full of doo-doo. Stay close and know that we are supporting you through whatever you have to go through to get sober. It is a rought road sometimes, especially when your husband unknowingly is an enabler (I have a husband EXACTLY like that so I completely understand - the guy is a saint, but simply does not understand an alcohol problem because he doesn't have one). Sorry to babble...anyway, we are here for you, ok? Please stay strong and stop beating yourself up.

[NoMoreWineThisTime]

A confession

So sorry you are having a hard time and feeling bad. Please realize that any days you skip drinking are good days and step in the right direction. Not drinking will make you feel good, and then you will be addicted to not drinking. Everyone knows it is not easy. I am starting DAY 8 today after drinking for the past several years to deal with a total whacko of a guy that I was involved with, and only to find out he has some issues that nobody would have been able to "fix." I decided I didn't want to sit here and kill myself from the inside out. I hope this gets better for you, and you can definitely stop if you make a commitment to yourself. We all are struggling to various degrees. You have to get to the point where enough is enough. I know you will get there soon! Peace

[ATLThrash]

A confession

Thanks so much. All wise words. I have been getting bogged down in so many feelings that it has paralyzed me. As Dave said-- it is quiet simple-- AL is ruining my quality of life. I have done better in the past and know that now I just need to work on making it stick. Spending time just with myself is not something that is easy for me and it has become more prevalent of late because of this destructive cycle.

[Dave_]

A confession

ATLThrash;1136751 wrote: Thanks so much. All wise words. I have been getting bogged down in so many feelings that it has paralyzed me. As Dave said-- it is quiet simple-- AL is ruining my quality of life. I have done better in the past and know that now I just need to work on making it stick. Spending time just with myself is not something that is easy for me and it has become more prevalent of late because of this destructive cycle.

It is important to not get down on yourself. When you get up in the morning take a good, hard , long look in the mirror. Find one part of your self that makes you feel good. It doesnt have to be big. Then start your day. In a small way you are starting the process of loving yourself. Over time you will find more and more reasons to smile at your self.

The world is full of people who will want to bring you down, you need to protect yourself and learn that you are a special and unique human being. I promise you a day will come when you no longer regret your experiences because you will know that they have helped shape your new stronger self.

[ATLThrash]

A confession

Dave-- I feel like the issue of loving myself is probably a huge key to all this. Even when I was not drinking at all (as a child, teen and into my 20s), my mom always criticized everything I did. I would win academic prizes and offices in clubs or at school and the most I would get was something in the neighborhood of "that is good for now but don't let up or it will all go away". That sort of thing continued in one way or another into adulthood (I am 44). I cut most ties with my mom because of it but I have a child and want him to know his grandfater at least (who is still married to my mom). Not to jump into the Freudian sandbox of how terrible my mom could and can be-- we all have something like that in the past--but I do think it explains why I have a hard time finding good things about myself. And what is truly sad is that drinking has now actually solidified some of the feelings of worthlessness--I feel like the feelins have a basis in fact. Whereas I actually did have good things about myself in the past (but did not believe them) now my drinking (and all the crap that comes with it-- lack of energy, poor physical appearance) has sort of made me feel like a different person, one that has turned into just a sad, overweight, lonely drunk-- and to me it is hard to see any good in that person. In reality I keep a nice home and do tons of stuff with my son who is a smart and sweet child, but in my mind I feel like that part of my life is fake and the drinking is the only reality. And that is a bad feeling.

[ATLThrash]

A confession

Thanks, Sheri. I appreciate the thoughts. Things seem bleak but in a few days when I am away from AL I know things will seem better. I am just lost in minutiae now.

[Dave_]

A confession

Alt,

I agree with you, loving yourself is the key. You will at some stage have to let the demons of your past rest. I feel for you in your journey and i hope you can find some inner peace. We all have find our own way through the maze but this seems to be a very positive place to be when you are down, God knows we have all experienced similiar feelings. I can only tell you there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. I just can't tell you that it will be easy.

Day by day, minute by minute.

[ATLThrash]

A confession

I have such fear,but I am through with this crap. I can't wake up one more day and feel worthless. It is too crushing. At times I feel like I have no soul left I am so bereft. I am just going to focus on getting through this day sober. I can address tomorrow when it comes.

[Dave_]

A confession

ATLThrash;1136770 wrote: I have such fear,but I am through with this crap. I can't wake up one more day and feel worthless. It is too crushing. At times I feel like I have no soul left I am so bereft. I am just going to focus on getting through this day sober. I can address tomorrow when it comes.

You still have your soul, I can see it in your words.
Good luck with today.