Down the rabbit hole.

[Dave_]

Today has been a weird and unusual day. I have been sober since the end of Janurary and for the most part of that time I have run as far away from my drinking days and the chaos they have visted on my life as humanly possible. I have not wavered, I have been staunch in my desire to remove the anger in my heart and the pull of the bottle.

Yesterday, for reasons I have yet to completely fathom I stopped taking all my medication. No antabuse, no Bac and no anti depressants. I have religiously taken my meds since my discharge from Rehab and have marvelled at the world as it has once again unfolded in front of me. I have re connected with my wife and my kids and I have thrown myself into learning.

At 3:30pm today I stood, by myself, in a large shopping centre in the middle of a large liquor shop. I looked, mesmerised at all the tall gleaming bottles and wondered if just one of the bottles could be mine. I stood there for awhile, long enough for the clerk to tap me on shoulder and ask if everything was alright.

I think I blushed with embarrasment, but I stumbled something about being fine and walked ever so slowly out the door.

i know now that I can never let my guard down again.

The scary thing is the talk in my head. Surely one wont hurt, I deserve a day off from this sturggle, I wont get caught, I know enough now not to fall into the same traps.

I have been shaken by this experience and it has dealt a blow to my confidence but I think it will also make me much more vigilant.

I did not drink today but it was line ball.

[Doggygirl]

Down the rabbit hole.

Dave, I'm glad you made it through that moment. I haven't had a moment like that in quite some time now, but I have surely had plenty of them. In fact, it was a moment just like that (the thinking part) that led me to a relapse that scared the daylights out of me.

I do think these "moments" have a lot of value in terms of what they can teach us. For me it was humilty and vigilence in the face of my cunning, baffling and powerful addiction.

Have you decided to stay on the meds for now?

DG

[tiptronic_ct]

Down the rabbit hole.

Dave,

Please be careful: you cannot simply discontinue bac. You need to taper down, or you run the risk of seizures (similar to severe AWD).

Abruptly stopping your anti-depressants can also have severe consequences - again, you need to taper off them slowly.

[red67]

Down the rabbit hole.

Hi Dave, so glad you were able to get out of there without caving in. One thing I was taught in my Smart Recovery group is that this problem is twofold. We have a drinking problem and a thinking problem. The drinking problem is the "easier" of the two (and I say that in quotes because I know it is not easy), but the thinking problem is what plagues us and requires the most work. Physically I have had no problem in stopping the drinking but yes my mind still scares me sometimes. I have lots of materials I reread and come here to reinforce and retrain my thinking. I look at it like mental excercises and they keep me strong when the devil tries to lure me back.

What was your plan when you did not take your meds? If they are working for you please make sure to be vigilant in taking them. You have come so far and you know you don't want to go back. One of my biggest reasons to stay sober is that I love how many days I have AL free and I would make myself start the count over at 1 day if I were to drink. I NEVER want to have to start over and I know that it would be like sliding down a muddy hill that would be even harder to climb the next time. That's just my way and it works for me. We each have our own way.

I hope you have a wonderful and safe weekend!

[Dewdrop]

Down the rabbit hole.

Dave I have read your post and am really concerned for a couple of reasons and I can?t do multiple quotes or I would but first you said:

Yesterday, for reasons I have yet to completely fathom I stopped taking all my medication. No antabuse, no Bac and no anti depressants. I have religiously taken my meds since my discharge from Rehab and have marvelled at the world as it has once again unfolded in front of me. I have re connected with my wife and my kids and I have thrown myself into learning.

Now let?s get real here you stopped your meds which you know is dangerous for both the Bacs and the anti depressants? and antabuse can stay in your system for a while ? so what?s the crack? You have been AF for 6 months so you know the score, you know you need to take them, and you know what you are doing. What the hell were you doing in the middle of a ?large liquor store?? Why self sabotage? I went back to your first post and would like to remind you of the following:

18 months ago my outlook changed for the worse and my fear and anxiety took hold and I was gripped with raging anger at myself and my drinking increased further. In June 2010 I checked myself into detox and completed a 7 day program. I stayed sober for 5 months. I was magically cured of my selfharm and began to drink again.

In late Dec 2010 I conducted a large company presentation in front of over 50 customers and potential customers. I was late and very, very drunk. My staff cringed watching me make a mockery of all we had worked for and dragged me off stage at the earliest opportunity.

You managed 5 months previously (however I would argue that no one is magically cured of this disease) and this time you are past that at 6 months but you are now clearly testing yourself ? again why? What?s the story here Dave, what are you doing with not only your own life but the lives of your family? You are clearly very insightful, intelligent and supportive of others on this site; you have posted some very illuminating responses. I really hope you stay strong and don?t relapse again, you have so much to live for and so much you can offer. Get back on the meds please, and keep checking in with the site. The experience and strength on MWO is second to none. I wish you well and will keep looking for your posts, I have faith in your ability to beat this.

Dewdrop :h

[red67]

Down the rabbit hole.

Hi Dave just checking on you. Please come back and let us know how you are doing.

[Dave_]

Down the rabbit hole.

Thanks All,

I came home and went straight back on all of my meds. I rememeber the last time I relapsed and don't want to start over. A wake up call and a reminder of the strength of the demons that lurk so close to the surface.

I'll post again soon, I feel more or less "normal' again.

Dave.

[Georgie]

Down the rabbit hole.

Resist

It's the Devil sitting on your shoulder. Command him to leave in the name of JC and the Bible says He must flee. Stay strong, your family is glad you are back don't let the bastard take you away from them again!:wings: Georgie

[Doggygirl]

Down the rabbit hole.

Dave - glad you are back. Don't take your meds lightly. I don't have to take meds but believe me - I would take 20 of them if that's what I needed to do to keep my sober life. I'm really glad you made that decision. I hope you keep coming around and posting!!

DG

[red67]

Down the rabbit hole.

Dave it worries me that you haven't been back here. Are you OK?

[Dave_]

Down the rabbit hole.

Yes thank you. I am doing fine, I have just been spending some time with my kids, it's school holidays here at the moment and my wife is running the day to day operations of our company.

I bought a heap of nerf guns and we have been having some epic battles. Couch cushions becomes bunkers, study doorways become sniper nests and foam darts have been flying all over the house.

It has been a load of fun.

I am counting down to 6 months which will be at the end of this month. I will celebrate with a tall glass of sparkling lemonade!

[Doggygirl]

Down the rabbit hole.

Good to see you Dave. So who is winning?

DG

[Dave_]

Down the rabbit hole.

Doggygirl;1141936 wrote: Good to see you Dave. So who is winning?

DG

My eldest daughter is quite the soldier which is somewhat concerning.

[Doggygirl]

Down the rabbit hole.

Good for her! :H

DG