Blowing off steam...

[InChains]

Today I sat in a court waiting room with my younger brother, directly infront of me was a poster for a rehabilitaion centre, nothign special, no picture of the place, just 4 simples words 'get your life back'. I sat and I stared at that poster for 2 hours. I sat and I stared and I wished that one day I could wake up there, with people who could understand me, take care of me. I am so sick and tired of trying to do this alone, I feel stupid because I'm nto as bad as others, I can hold myself back - except I can't. The reason I have limits is because I don't have the money to drink more. The reason I'm not blind drunk every night is because I can't stand the thought of lookign weak in front of my fmaily. But I just keep slipping further and further, I fantasise daily about ways I could slip alcohol into my morning coffee, my lunchtime drink, anything. When I'm drunk all I can think of is how bad I want to keep the buzz going, and slowly the buzz gets further and further away and I'm left chasing it, slipping... I feel like I carry it with me all the time, the weight of it, sometimes I love myself for it, sometimes I feel sick at the thought of what I have doen to myself - and what i will do if I'm left alone. I'm broken now, and I'm not asking for help, I just wanted to say this. Odd how a piece of paper on a court room wall was all it took for me to end up face to face with my demons...

[Seethepony]

Blowing off steam...

Sod rehab - get some baclofen and break the fuggin chains, dude. It's a chemical problem with a chemical solution...

[MissHazel]

Blowing off steam...

Wow InChains..you seem to be really self-aware, and you are a great writer! It seems to me you are already on your way to figuring something out. Is Rehab not a possibility at all for you? I read your thoughts and I have had most of them. I fantasize too about drinking and I know the feeling of wanting the buzz to keep going and going..I have also felt the stupid part and the feeling sick part.
You are coming to the right place and you are with other people you can write and talk to, if you want. I haven't gone to Rehab but I have friends that I lean on, who have suffered with the same addiction.
I am offering to be your pen-pal if you need to write..
MissHazel

[Adeey]

Blowing off steam...

30 days of rehab gave me sober time and a lot of information and insight into addiction and my own personal demons. It was really useful. In retrospect I would do it again, to give me a 'kick start'. However, I came out and soon hit the booze again. Baclofen works for many people, my chemical of choice (or rather, what was suggested by my specialist addiction doc, perhaps because baclofen isn't really known or prescribed here in Oz?) was Antabuse. Now, after getting drunk every day for three years (other than when in rehab) I have been sober for 49 days. And doing it easy. I would have tried Baclofen if it was offered. Anyway, I love how Seethepony put it - "It's a chemical problem with a chemical solution". InChains, I have SO much been where you are .... for me it was the vodka in the water bottle at work, to the pub at lunchtime, every moment thinking about how/where I can get more booze ... you are in the right place here, read and post and ask questions and decide what's the best way to go to get your life back. Don't give up.

[JackieClaire]

Blowing off steam...

Oh Inchy, hun.:l

You've got a Hell of a lot to deal with being the responsible adult to your brother at such a young age. I don't know if I could have done it at 18/19.

At the moment, love, try and think about the successes you've had lately. Your acceptance to Art College, the end of your exams and that 45 days AF you had is not to be sneezed at.

J x
:l

[MissHazel]

Blowing off steam...

In Chains...45 Days AF is big...I am only 43 days AF..you're ahead of me by two days!! It seems to me you are doing alot of amazing things..don't forget that. I remember a movie where there was a line I will never forget: "It's easier to believe the bad stuff". I am trying to believe in the good stuff now.

[Doggygirl]

Blowing off steam...

Inchy I'm so glad to see your post. I agree with JC that you've certainly had more than your share of adult responsibility and sadness at such a young age. Alcohol doesn't change that as you already know.

I am so proud of you for seeing the deadly cycle for what it is. The longer you wait to stop it, the harder it will be. This doesn't get better for people like us - it just gets worse and worse until we decide we have had enough, and stop digging the hole any deeper.

There are so many options for help these days as have been mentioned. I think the first step is to decide if you want to quit drinking or not. If you want to quit for the long haul, you know where all the tools and people are around here who can help. There is face to face help too in rehabs, AA, and maybe some other recovery groups - not sure what might be in your area. I'm guessing it would help to be able to talk about some of the stuff of your life with someone.

45 days - you've done it once. Let's do it again? You are not alone.

DG

[InChains]

Blowing off steam...

thanks guys, i'll reply properly later, just woken up, probably can tell I was a little drunk and melodramatic last night (I am an -incredibly- melodramatic drunk). I was goign to delete this under the catergory drunk posting, but after reading all your replies I'm glad its there, I needed to talk about some things so thanks

xIC

[mario]

Blowing off steam...

Hi in chains as been said there are a few options out there you can try, none of them are miracle cures imo.Its you that calls the shots here do you really want to stop drinking,There is lots of help out there and in here, go for it and get your life back :-)