In a hole !

[santybury]

Well im not even trying hard to stop as its the only thing I can do to try and forget what ive done. Think I posted on here about last weeks drunken nightmare and my bag going missing and the scene with the cab driver and police after, just a nightmare. The cab driver has just phoned me as he hasnt got his cheque yet and was telling me how drunk and aggressive I was, hard stuff to listen too and now im holed up in my room reliving the shame and guilt I feel. God, I wish I could escape from myself, its me that makes my world so unpleasant at times. I honestly feel like turning the lights off and never getting up again and its this shame that i feel thats eating away at me. its like people know what I am but no one mentions it, i hate being me when im like this and wish i could stop dragging every awful event around with me. Any advice, how do you try to love your self when your just full of self loathing all the time?

[Enough!]

In a hole !

Santy.. I was you, saw no way out, drinking was my way of dealing with everything. A lightbulb went off two weeks ago today after a horrible mess like yours. Funny thing is my husband did not even get mad at me! I hit our car drove drink down the block couldn't see when o arrived home and he didn't get mad! I guess you have to want to do it for yourself... No one else. No one else around you gets it and we don understand why.

You are welcome to read my thread conquering day one and join our amazing supportive group. I would never of made it to day 2 without it.

Day 14 today... And still not easy.

Best of luck,
Enough!

[santybury]

In a hole !

Hi Enough
I know ive got to do it for myself but im scared of who i am without it aalthough I hate the person I am with it, its lose, lose!
You know to have a stranger tell you what a drunk you were just makes you see what you must look like to those watching. I cant bare to think about that and not being allowed back in a bar because i was so drunk, I just want to hide and cry. there are so many places I cant go back too because of how ive behaved, yet still I continue, so weak.
its funny how you can feel a change in drinking patterns, like a gradual deterioration. Im much worse now im single as it tends to blot out the lonliness and problems that you have to deal with on your own, but I listen to myself and think, "get a grip!", this isnt Cancer, I have a choice and im doing this to myself, no one is forcing me. it does help on here but im realising its got to come from me and I cant just sit back with a glass of wine in hand and expect it to happen, so maybe I can use today as the first step to becoming AF, who knows x

[mario]

In a hole !

Would you consider going to a local AA meeting, you can just sit & listen and you would be around people who went/are going through what you are at the moment.

[Enough!]

In a hole !

One day at a time. I was unsure too of who I would be. Unsure if I could ever have a good time sober. Unsure how I would be able to deal with my children and husband... Who drive me insane. I am still unsure if I can do this forever. The first few days were wrenchingly tough, but the reward is amazing.

My kids are calmer, I don't explode over every little thing, I feel healthy and can wake up in the dam morning not cursing myself for what I have done.

Decide... Make a committment ... That's first...

Forget all the shit in the past ( it will fade ) and think of all the places you are welcome. I don't know bow old you are but it time for me AND you to be "part of our own lives".

Before you have a drink promise yourself to read some posts... Spill out what is left... Say today is day 1.

Enough.

[mario]

In a hole !

Santybury

There are 2 days in every week about which we should not worry

2 days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.



One of the days is YESTERDAY,with all its mistakes and cares,

its faults and blunders and its aches and pains.



Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control

All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday,

We cannot undo a single act performed,we cannot erase

a single word said.

YESTERDAY IS GONE



The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow.



Tomorrow is beyond our control,it has not arrived.......yet,

Tomorrow,s sun will rise,whether in splendour or behind a

mask of clouds,but it will rise,until it does,we have no stake

in Tomorrow.

THIS LEAVES ONLY ONE DAY



TODAY

Anyone can fight the battles of just one-day, It is when you add the

burdens of those two awful days together

YESTERDAY & TOMORROW

That we break down.

LET US THEREFORE LIVE ONE DAY AT A TIME.



hope it helps.

[red67]

In a hole !

Oh Santybury I can totally feel what you are going thru. I too am single and have had some very embarrassing episodes while drunk. I used to argue and act stupid over the dumbest small things while I was drinking. My normal personality is very laid back and easy going but for some reason drinking brought out a very stubborn stupid person. My final drunken episode was my catalyst into sobriety. I just could not be that person anymore. It was definitely scary and unknown territory for me because I was a daily drinker for 10 years. I could not even remember my previous life, it was just a distant faded blur to me. I really just had had enough and knew that I was done with this. I also had started Smart Recovery and it helped me to realize that I could change my thinking and behaviour and every small step was a step in the right direction. Just wishing and hoping doesn't get us sober, you have to take action and be willing to make changes. But it is SOOO worth it!!!! I can't even tell you how much happier I am today. I also read here everyday to keep me grounded.

When I was drinking I used to feel sorry for myself because I was single, had almost no friends, very low self esteem and basically anything I could find to hate about me. After I stopped drinking I was cleaning my bedroom and I found notes I had written to myself when I was drunk. They were horrible self loathing writings that were very painful to read. The person who wrote them was a very pitiful, sad, angry, self hating person. I could not even imagine being that person again. Those thoughts were fueled by alcohol. I have taken the fuel away and that person is gone.

I just want to let you know you can do this, but you have to do whatever it takes. Meetings, posting here, taking supplements and most of all not drinking. You need to create a dialogue with yourself for when the cravings come. You have to have a bottom line of "no drinking no matter what". Each day gets easier and life does get better.

For today, get up and take a walk. Appreciate the moment. Watch a good movie. Take a nap. Make a list of anything to do but drinking.

Take care of you - you are worth it no matter what your thoughts are tricking you into thinking right now.:h

[Doggygirl]

In a hole !

Santybury, it is not YOU. It's the ALCOHOL. I know it's hard to stop, but if you stop drinking, all this other chaos will stop too.

We are not bad people trying to get good.

We are sick people trying to get well.

On Marios suggestion - I swore I would never ever ever ever ever ever go to AA. But I finally did and I'm glad I did. It helps me so much to be in the same room with people just like me. They have done the same embarrassing things I've done. They have felt the same guilt and shame I have felt. And they have recovered from it. And if they can do it, maybe I can do it too.

It's MWO + AA for my own sanity!

Wishing you strength and hope and recovery,

DG

[medic]

In a hole !

Santy... I really believe that some alcoholics don't want to stop drinking and not that we can't. This is a subjective opinion based on my own experiences. I too suffer self loathing beyond normal levels and the simple truth is that I want to drink myself to death because I hate myself. This mail is just to say that I think you need to get yourself out of your current environment and one that will nurture a healthy approach to looking at yourself differently (more positively).

I, unfortunately, will never be in that kind of place because of life long choices I have made but I want to stress to you, if that choice is possible make it. Then stick with it. You have to want to stop being that "drunk" and having the necessary environment for that change of heart is fundamental. Self esteem is the most important thing in the world. Without it we have no future whatsoever because we cannot relate to other people in an authentic way as everything is a fucking act.

Good luck and be what you really want to be if you can...

med+c