Holding on for dear life

[ATLThrash]

I am just really struggling of late. Not one thing seems to be going my way though to some extent I am to blame for all that. I need to form a new plan--one that does not involve simply white knuckling it as a main strategy. Today I actually thought to myself that I am afriad I am going to die and the thought of dying after some many periods of unhappiness is just terrible. Realistically I doubt I am in imminent danger of dying from alcohol (though one never knows) but all the weight it has caused me to gain and retain is definitely causing me to feel as if I am racing against the clock. I am absolutely forcing myself not to be isolated but it is taking all I have got and more. My husband suggests we go out on the weekend one night a week to spend time without our 6 year old and just with each other-- which is very nice but I have gotten to the place where I feel like the world must be able to see the chaos in my mind. As if a person like me does not deserve to go out and enjoy a meal (part of this is a self punishment thought as in why should I be endeavoring to enjoy myself when I am making little progress on my goals, I should just sit in the basement with a TV dinner...)Everytime lately when we have a plan to do something nice I dread doing it and have to psyche myself up for it as if I am about the run a race for a gold medal, it literally is beginning to take that effort-- scared I am going to feel overwhelmed by wanting to drink or anxious around others. I really don't expect any advice but last time I posted I did feel better and not so caught in a swirling vortex so I thought i would try it again.

[Doggygirl]

Holding on for dear life

Hi ATL. I'm glad you posted. It helps me every day to stay in touch with people here who totally understand what I have gone through with alcohol dependency. I really believe that staying connected is important for all of us. I know isolation was my enemy - good for you reaching out!!!!

I suppose the best suggestion I can offer from my own experience when I struggled with AL (and weight and the viscious cycles - not wanting to go out in public, etc.) is to change your plan. I tended to stay stuck in the same old rut even when what I was doing wasn't working. I'm not sure what all you have tried. The whole My Way Out program? SMART? AA? Meds? Individual therapy? Rehab?

You just never know when the next thing you try might be just the thing you need.

Strength and hope to you!

DG

[ATLThrash]

Holding on for dear life

Thanks Doggy-- if nothing changes then nothing changes -- I know that is true. I am going to go to therapy dilligently and do more of the MWO program. I also am at the point where bac is something I would consider. For me to get my life back all the way, this chaos needs to end or be lessened at least--so that I can work on the weight stuff. Right now the drinking and even just the chaos in my mind that is still around on many of the occasions when I don't drink are totally blocking my ability to accomplish my goals. I can't tell you how heartened I am to read of folks on here that were able to improve their health and appearance when they got the AL demon in control.

[Lavande]

Holding on for dear life

Hi ATL.

Just wondering out loud.....
Do you think you could be dealing with depression as well? I ask because my depression is what made me turn to the wine bottle (lots of them). I thought numbing myself sufficiently 'for a while' was all I needed & then things would naturally get better. Obviously they didn't & I developed quite a problem.

I made two attempts to deal with my MD in regards to the depression. He put me on Rx Lexapro which took over the numbing job pretty well but didn't lessen my desire to drink. I got sufficiently fed up with that & stopped the Rx & found an herbal supplement (Amoryn) which worked miracles. It kicked my depression, left me feeling good & only then was I able to quit drinking ~ for good.

Just thought I'd give you that info. You can look at the Amoryn website & see what you think
AMORYN Mood Booster | Natural Antidepressant | Supplement for Depression & Anxiety

Wishing you the best!
lav

[TheDudeAbides]

Holding on for dear life

It is such a cruel truth of alcohol addiction: drinking spawns so many awful secondary disorders and side effects, both physical and mental. I would go weeks without leaving my apartment, except for a quick scuttle to the liquor store, before I got sober the first time. Paralyzing anxiety, isolation, a nearly hermit-like existence.

Then I stopped drinking. And alllllllll of that went away. Alcohol caused all of it.

Then I started drinking again. And it alllllllll came back.

I'm on Day 2, but I've been sober for a year before. I know I can do this, and I know you can too.

I couldn't believe how I went from total recluse to outgoing, happy, friendly Alex. As I like to put it, for the only year of my adult lifetime, I became myself. And it just got better and better. Life, which had dwindled to a suffocatingly tiny box, just expanded and expanded, got brighter and brighter.

Then I got cocky and threw it all away because after a year I figured I'd be able to do moderation. I started drinking as chronically as I ever had, immediately.

The good news is that every single ailment and issue you describe will improve appreciably, quickly, if you stop drinking.

The bad news is that nothing else you do will matter much if you don't stop drinking.

You can do this. I can do this. We can do this. And when we do, we will wonder how we traded the rest of our lives so we could continue to drink poison and loathe ourselves for so long.

Hang in there. I have L-Glutamine arriving tomorrow to help with my cravings. Remember there are tools; use them, and know that it does get easier.

[ATLThrash]

Holding on for dear life

Lavande--I do think depression is part of the picture-- though now it is almost chicken and egg-- I was depressed before i started drinking in a problem way and stayed depressed because of it. I went on antidepressants but they never made me want to drink less-- by then I guess it was ingrained. Even when not drinking and going through periods of depression I had a hard time finding an antidepressant that did much good. So I will look at the supplement you suggested.

Dude-- I feel like I had 38 years of being me and 6 of being what I call "this person". "this person" often looks slovenly (cause no one looks too good carrying 50 or so extra pounds around) and avoids mirrors. "This person" does not enjoy the activities she used to. I am only 44 now but I feel like my opportunities to do what I want are slipping away fast.

[Doggygirl]

Holding on for dear life

ATL, age 44 rings a big bell with me. It was around that time that a lot of health related things started to spiral out of control, in addition to the progression of my alcoholism. I don't think there would have been a hope in hell to change any of it while I was drinking. Not the way I drank in the end. But once I stopped drinking, I found a great doctor who helped me balance my hormones and I got treatment for low thyroid and all kinds of things got better in life.

Thyroid Mistreatment, Hypothyroidism Scandals, and Thyroid Treatment Problems | Stop The Thyroid Madness™ is a good web site to read just to see if you might have symptoms of hypothyroid. There is also a thread on that in the holistic section. Many many people have untreated hypothyroid and is causes all kinds of problems - unexplained weight gain being the least of it.

I also read a book by Suzanne Summers which gave me the idea to find the kind of doctor I did for hormone testing. The Sexy Years I think.

Don't know if any of the stuff I found wrong with me is wrong with you - but I just wanted to let you know that there is hope. I first had to get my head out of the bottle, but then there was a whole lot of other stuff to pursue - just like Lav was saying.

Don't give up!

DG

[RingingCedars]

Holding on for dear life

ATL--I'm no expert-but hear my words--'tis a public forum--but right now at this moment, I would say to you--you are thrashing about with the wrong energy---put that energy into positive thoughts, beliefs and actions--underline actions. You can do it! Your hubs seems like a nice man with the outings--does he love and support you? That could cause depression and SUGAR--anyone else reading this-take note--sugar is POISON--worse than sugar free al taken in moderate doses. And don't sub with artificial sweeteners=more poison. Put your energy into where you want to be--al free--healthy--loved and loving. You are so worth it. We all are.....
Going to point and shoot this now and not delete.....

[ATLThrash]

Holding on for dear life

Thanks Ringing-- my husband is a great man, he would do anything to help me but he is pretty flummoxed by the inertia that has surrounded certain aspects of my life in the past few years. He knows I do not like certain things that are within my power to change and since my old pattern was to address them he is confused as to why I seem to self sabotage so much. I am not in anyway offended by your post--it is all true-- fear and disgust are not good long term motivators. I did get a good night's sleep last night without any alcohol so I am taking it all one day at a time. After I drop my son at his basketball camp I am going to get some of the recommended supps and go from there.

[Queenbug]

Holding on for dear life

ATL....sounds so sadly familiar....Glad you slept well...I got some supplements yesterday and so far seems to be holding me together....although I'm craving chocolate and sweet things at the moment....strange for me because I never do usually...
I've got muddled between depression/AL - AL/depression...but have to echo an earlier post...when I'm not drinking for a few days, the courage to go out and be in the world (albeit tentatively) returns...as well as a sense of motivation and some energy...
Stay strong...sending you love xx

[RingingCedars]

Holding on for dear life

Hi ATL--I thought I posted to you earlier and it's not here. Very strange.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I hope you had another good sleep and glad I did not offend you. I've spent many days in the dark place and we all know nothing good comes from it. There are some great natural products out there to deal with anxiety as well as other coping methods as mentioned. Meditation, music/dance, yoga, exercise. All the best!

[rubywillow]

Holding on for dear life

ATL, dear, I've been away a lot, super busy. But I'm nearby, if you want to PM me and meet. You have a lot of issues. That said, you CAN fix them, OK? But it takes as much work as covering up the problems. The things that we think we drink for will still be there. So we have to quit making excuses, deal with those problems, but first we have to deal with the AL. I've got people I want to choke the eyes out of, but that doesn't explain my AL use. I hope you will get in touch.

[Queenbug]

Holding on for dear life

u ok ALT? x

[ATLThrash]

Holding on for dear life

Yes, I am much better-- just a few days off AL and things seem much clearer. I appreciate the advice. I am pretty sure that AL is exacerbating any issues I have. None of them will get better with AL, all worse. Even if they are here without the booze-- I am thinking I will be much more equipped to deal with them without it. Simple science--- alcohol has calories so I am not going to lose weight while drinking it. Simple fact 2-- it ratchets my anxiety up to the point where I have a self loathing hate binge on myself-- which can't be productive.

Thanks for the offer to meet Ruby. We are heading to the beach next week for one last hurrah before our child starts Catholic school. New school year, new start.

[rubywillow]

Holding on for dear life

Always open, ATL. Just PM me.