ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

[spuddleduck]

for the last few months ive been 'allowing' myself to drink once a week with a few rules attached. i have mostly stuck to this, and to the rules. i promised myself if i broke the rules i would get serious about some af time. i have broken all the rules so i have to get serious.
the rules:

dont drink in a reactive situation (angry/upset etc) - i found out someone i knew had been using my credit card and spent over ?1000. I DRANK

dont drink spirits - i was angry and upset and wanted a quick hit. I DRANK SPIRITS

dont drink the day before work - the hit wasnt enough i wanted more. I DRANK BEFORE WORK AND DIDNT GO IN TO WORK.

dont drink 'out in pubs on my own' - I RAN OUT OF BOOZE AND WENT OUT AND MADE AN ARSE OF MYSELF

along with this there was violence towards my partner and myself and my property.

I HAVE NO CONTROL ONCE I TAKE A DRINK. SO ...... NOW I HAVE TO GET SERIOUS. im going for a month af to begin with...... and beyond. things may have improved since i started this over a year ago but the same old patterns have happened again. IT HAS TO STOP NOW!

[Panno]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

Hello Mrs Spuddle so glad to have you back (so to speak), sounds like you've had a horrendous couple of months, you sound determined good for you :l

[mario]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

Go for it spuds.

Start again,

Just do it,

Use the toolbox here,

Keep posting.

At the end of the day its your choice and your choice only.

[rubywillow]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

Spuds, time to stop and re-evaluate what is important. Is AL so important you have to assign a list of rules to it; is AL so destructive you already have a list of its EXPECTED outcome? Sometimes, we know the truth, like the elephant in the room, but try to work around it. Life without it, for those who have an allergy (breaking out in a rash of horrible, destructive, life-threatening behavior) can be so good. Understanding what WILL happen is a key, because once the snowball starts downhill, we have no control over its course. And we have to learn we don't drink BECAUSE of outside effects, we drink because we have a problem. Rules, control, conditions, sanity, go out the window with the first drink.
IMHO, some AF time will give you much better perspective and clarity. We can't bargain with the devil, hon.

[RingingCedars]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

Hey Spuds--I'm looking forward to your posts of success. As you said, life was good w/o alcohol.:l

[spuddleduck]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

thanks for your support. yes i have a new found enthusiasm and determination which i think ive almost been waiting for. ive been having my weekly binge with no real thoughts of getting serious af time. not sure what ive been hoping for but it obviously didnt happen. i cant say ive had fun in my weekly binges. the first half hour perhaps a relaxing feeling then wham... and always to blackout. i have continually been questioning why i have been continuing down this path. previously i was drinking to a) have confidence b) go out and have a good time c) cope with crap thoughts. since starting to drink again it was for none of these things..... it seems it was for the sake of drinking. most of the time this last year i have been sober and having great times. the only bad times ive had have been when drinking (or the day after of course)
all this crap happenned on sunday. ive been af since (as i would have been anyway as not my drinking days) tommorrow is my first test. thursday is drinking day. i am determined and damn sure i will not be drinking.
im gonna have to make a few adjustments ......... mr spuds drinking to be specific. im pretty sure now i cant be around him when he is drunk. its always been an issue but i have tried to just get on with it but i think i will have to be firm and keep well out of the way.
ONWARDS AND UPWARDS. QUACK QUACK QUACK.

[spuddleduck]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

ive started with positive moves today. i have had my diabetic appointment (MISSED THE LAST ONE HUNGOVER) and am getting full blood checks and a device to monitor my blood sugars continuously for 5 days. also getting put on a new course to help my diabetes control. i find if i am taking better care of my overall health the urge to drink lessens..... though at the moment i am so disgusted at myself i have no urge whatsoever.

[fennel]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

Spuds, it's so nice to see you. I don't know you very well, but I love when you are here. Please stick with your plan and visit here often! :h

[TheDudeAbides]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

You and I drink exactly the same way. That first half hour feels nice, and then...then who the hell knows what happens. Because the next thing is waking up with a full-body suit of disgust and horror as we realize it happened again.

The fundamental understanding that I am chemically, forever and ever, unable to drink in moderation is so important. It is utterly pointless to try and will eventually result in my demise, plain and simple.

This is a game I can not win. Therefore, I must not play.

Fortunately, it is a great liberation for me to understand, wholly and completely, that no set of rules will enable me to be able to drink moderately. There is no magic combination I haven't figured out.

I'm an alcoholic. I can't drink. Ever. The moment I allow a doubt to creep into my head that this statement isn't true, I'm on the road to ruin.

[DriftyAlison0]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

mollyka;1153964 wrote: Spuds, the key to all this is in the title of your thread! Obviously the drinking just doesn't work for you - grab it now and decide with 100% commitment that this is it. You did a few months last year and you seemed so happy - try and put yourself back into that place yeah!! Good luck - well not really luck at all - it's all in your hands - it's up to you!!
Molly

Agreed. I know that I tried Moderation and I didn't want to stop for the longest time, I just kept changing it when I was slipping so I could continue it. What a lie was I living not living up to the original MOD plan. Take this as a cue to quit af for good. But I will support you in which road you chose. Good job on starting a 30 day af period.

[Guest]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

Hey Spuds

Good to see you here, I was wondering just this morning how you were getting on. I hoped your quietness meant you were doing well.

Having rules generally means you have a problem, but I think you've worked that one out! Good one in avoiding others who are drinking, I found being exposed to drink or drinkers a big trigger - not necessarily there and then, but sometimes resentment would build and I'd drink on it a few days later. Sort of "If you can get drunk, I will. So there!!".

There is definitely a link between sugar levels and cravings, if you can keep them steady I'm sure that will help a great deal too.

I'd also get rid of any booze in the house too, but I know that's difficult when you live with someone else.

[Bruunhilde]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

Hi Spuds,

Have you tried L-glutamine for sugar cravings? It helps alot of people with carb/AL control. Good luck with the AF month, GO FOR IT. You can do it!

[red67]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

Good to see you spuds. I was thinking about you last night and I was worried since I haven't seen you post lately. I am so glad you made the decision to go AL free. I have no advice as to how to deal with your husbands drinking since I am single. Please let me know if you ever need someone to talk to or lean on in tough times (or whenever).

You can do this!

[Doggygirl]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

Good to see you spuds! I'm rooting for your success.

DG

[spuddleduck]

ive broken all my rules so i have to STOP!

again i have to say thanks so much for your support here. im happy to say i successfully navigated my demon thursday drinking day so i now have a friday to enjoy which i havent had for some time. i didnt give myself permission to drink... so i didnt.... sounds over simple but thats what i did (also quite a bit of extra sleep which im very good at these days). i confess the most stupid thing happened though. when i went into work after missing monday there was a bit of bad atmosphere, (i forgot to mention i went round to a work colleaugues house on sunday, pissed as an alki, i thought i was being friendly, of course i wasnt welcome). the air was cleared but a thought wizzed into my head. i want a drink, just a little one to calm the horrible feeling i have about it all. WHAAAAATTTTT!!!!!! that is how the whole crappy cycle goes with me... get drunk, behave badly, feel awful about it , have a drink to feel better......... wahhhhhhhhh .... and so it goes!!!!! forntuately im still feeling raw and am feeling positive about being af so i ditched the thought and here i am, still focussed.