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**Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)** · July 28, 2011, 03:52 AM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

Hi Pingu, my take on it is two fold. Firstly nobody 'forces your husband to drink alone' anymore than anyone forces any of us to pick up a glass. Only one person puts that glass to our lips or not. Secondly alcoholism is a selfish sneaky condition and to break the cycle we need to be 100% selfish and think of ourselves firstly. If this means upsetting some people who feel they have lost a drinking buddy or they think that your not drinking effects them then plain and simple, tough luck. This is not a game or a simple case of social interaction, it can be a matter of life and death as is only too apparent when I read of a 36yr old member dying here yesterday, not the first and probably not the last that AL has taken way too young.
You are doing brilliant since 15th March, congratulations, continued success in your new life.
Keep safe
KTAB

**myhappyplace** · July 28, 2011, 04:01 AM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

Hi Corinne

I dont normally post outside of the Undies thread but your post struck a chord. I have had similar conversations with my FIL. I wont elaborate here but I have posted before on him. For some people the need to govern and dictate what you should do is a priority. Keep to your path and you will be fine, it sounds like you and your husband have a balance and that is what is important not the outside influences whether they be good or bad, well intentioned or whatever. Stay true to you. xx hp

**NoraC** · July 28, 2011, 10:02 AM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

Hi Corinne - I agree with the 'stay true to you' line. When my husband & I had been married just a few years, I didn't drink much. So, it always was an issue when we were at his parents house with trying to give me a drink. I can still hear my FIL saying to me 'Well, what do you drink??? in a sarcastic tone when he tried to hand me an after dinner liquor and I declined.
Your husband is an adult and will do what he wants. If your Father in Law brings it up again, I would just say that this is something that your husband and you have discussed and if your FIL has an issue with it to discuss it with his son.

You are doing great. Congratulations!!!

**MissHazel** · July 28, 2011, 10:53 AM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

Hi Corrine

I think you are doing one of the most unselfish things ever! You are really being there for your husband and your kids by being sober!! Being AF is not easy and I bet you didn't just wake up one day and say "Gee, I think I'll be selfish and stop drinking". I hope you can discuss this with your husband and ask him what he thinks? I know my husband was afraid of the changes I was making when I stopped drinking. I think he wanted what was best for me but also was afraid I wouldn't want to be with him anymore as a sober person...go figure!
I think you are doing a wonderful thing and I wish you all the best.

MissH

**MissHazel** · July 28, 2011, 10:58 AM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

Sorry to spell your name wrong Corinne!!

I will do better next time:H

**damo180** · July 28, 2011, 11:20 AM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

Hi Corinne,

Firstly, congratulations on staying AF.You are doing so well. I have recently got to 6 months and know how difficult it can be, and have decided to keep going .

I have had similar situations where I seem to be upsetting people by not drinking.
Its quite annoying, but I have got used to it now and its THEIR problem.

You are doing a wonderful thing, firstly for yourself, and then for your immediate family.
Staying sober can only be a good thing for your loved ones.

All the best.

Damo in Dublin

**Bruunhilde** · July 28, 2011, 11:30 AM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

Hi Corinne,
I think your father-in-law has a drinking problem. Most of the time, it's drinkers that want others to drink with them so they don't feel like they're alcoholics. At least that was me...

**DriftyAlison0** · July 28, 2011, 01:49 PM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

Bruunhilde;1154633 wrote: Hi Corinne,
I think your father-in-law has a drinking problem. Most of the time, it's drinkers that want others to drink with them so they don't feel like they're alcoholics. At least that was me...

I agree. Not drinking is not shelfish. He is just jealous that your able to do it without drinking.

**nancy** · July 28, 2011, 08:31 PM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

father in law

It seems to me that what your father-in-law thinks really does not matter unless it reflects what your husband thinks. There are so many generational differences, even in the same family. I think this is a non-issue unless your husband feels it's selfish, which would be crazy and likely not true. I guess it's possible if he drinks too much also or if it's a big part of his life. Your father-in-law is just wrong about this, if it's not your husband's view, then maybe it's just the way he himself would feel. Nothing to spend too much time thinking about if I were you.

I just read the original entry again. Maybe your husband hasn't told him the issues you were having. I think if so, that's a good thing. Who wants everybody to know. It's your family issue and you are improving all of your relationships.

**life...take2** · July 28, 2011, 09:12 PM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

I don't even know where to begin with you f-in-law's response.....

Tell anyone and everyone who challenges you again that there is a huge difference between SELF-CONCERN and SELFISHNESS. You are concerned - quite rightly - about your well-being, nothing selfish about that at all.

Strange how people become like drug pushers when you say you no longer drink. I once told a good friend of mine that I was cutting back [when i really needed to stop] and his response was, "Don't turn into a bore." He, of course, is a functioning alcoholic.

Stay strong and focused. I hope you reach your goal, and another 60 days after that, and another 60!

**Lavande** · July 28, 2011, 09:24 PM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

Your FIL sounds like a sad sack!
It's a shame people are like that but I know some too.
I just tell people I feel better when I don't drink & I leave it at that. I just don't let anyone bother me about it - it's none of their business

**daisy45** · July 28, 2011, 09:53 PM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

Pingu, how I would love to be where you are now. And I bet you felt the same when you were in your early days here. Dont forget how far you have come. Stay proud of yourself and dont let anyone tell you differently.
If you have ever read Allan Carrs book on how to stop drinking, he explains this situation so well. There will be people, always, to try and suck you back in to the drinking game. They need you to make them feel better about their own drinking habits.
I would bet money on it that your FIL feels somewhat inadequate compared to you and how well you are doing AF. Maybe over time he will appreciate the benefits you have experienced in your AF life and want a piece of it for himself.
Just smile and keep on doing what you are doing.......say a prayer for him so that some day he may feel that inner peace that you have now. This is about him, not you, your husband or anything else........

**pingu1997** · July 29, 2011, 03:44 AM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

Thank you for so many replies!!!

As always I have had a few days to think about this, and reading your messages has put it into perspective for me a bit as well

Firstly my FIL does not know the issues I have had with AL in the past, I am a private person, my husband and a few of my close friends know, and I want to keep it that way. I certainly do not want to involve families who frankly wouldn't get it anyway, because to that generation (well particularly my parents), the idea of someone who has an issue with alcohol is someone who is staggering around the house lashing down bottles of vodka and beating people up. They wouldn't even equate it to someone like me. I don't want to go there with them, and they haven't really pushed the issue although my dad is a bit bemused when I turn down my favourite wine !!

My inlaws are a little more "traditional" in that respect. They often drink wine with most meals although I have rarely seen them drunk. Drinking is a social thing for them, and they don't understand anyone who doesn't want to. I guess the comment about me being selfish is that in their eyes the family unit is still about man go to work, woman look after kids. They are a bit like that. The man is the dominant bread winner, and the woman the stay at home wife, not the way we work but whatever. Which is fine, but on this occasion I did take offence to the comment as I couldn't understand how on earth I was being selfish.

I will talk to my OH about it. I told him and he just said hm well Dad doesn't know about things so that's why he said it. But as far as I know, my OH doesn't have a problem much, he is a social drinker and can have one or two and stop. I couldn't. Not before 15 March anyway. We will have a chat when we go on holiday in a few weeks. But the comment about friends losing drinking buddies, well I am feeling that a bit now, but honestly someone told me that relationships with people will change and your true friends will understand and you'll find different ways of having good times with them that won't involve you getting hammered. And I say again, I have no problem with people around me drinking, I did to start with but now it really doesn't bother me, I don't even like the smell of wine right now.

To those who say well done, thank you, and I hope for the best for everyone on here trying to give up or moderate. I didn't discover this site at the very start, so I did it all alone which was torture. I didn't even tell my OH (and scarily he didn't even notice!) for nearly 3 weeks. I wish I had found this site earlier.

But it can be done, I am massively into exercise now and when I am feeling a bit done in and run down and lonely (ie about 5pm when the kids were eating their tea and I would have poured my first drink) I get on my stepper and do 30 minutes exercise, and it takes my mind of the initial trigger and makes me feel awesome (and sleep well too)

Anyway much love to everyone

Corinne (it's a stupid name and no-one can spell it so please don't worry!!!)
x

**hungarianhotdog** · September 16, 2011, 08:36 AM

Is giving up drinking selfish?

Hello Pingu,

I get similar reactions here in Hungary where it is considered rude not to accept drinks from your hosts. Most people in the region I live in, make their own palinka (fruit brandy) or wine and are very proud of it.
The look on their faces is a picture when you refuse a drink.... and they don't give up easily. And when they do eventually stop trying to force the drink down your throat they insist that you sniff it!! I don't do this either. Needless to say I don't get invited out much anymore. I don't care about their attitude anymore and in that respect i am selfish but that is what i need to be.

Keep up the good work

Peace

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