Oh, ALT, I hear you loud and clear. We have many things in common. What a load of guano we are expected to carry!
I am awed by your ability to say "No." I'm working on it. This sounds harsh, but as my father (the controller) is aging and feeling powerless and scared, I now have the control and strength to deal with him. I know that's not the healthy way to feel empowered, but at least I am no longer cowed by him, and that's what matters. Having a respectful, normal, adult relationship with him was an impossiblity. Sounds like you and your mother. Plus,your mother controls all, and your father has allowed himself to be emasculated.
Regardless, you have a child whose happiness and healthiness depends on YOU. You're absolutely right in focusing on that, and doing what's best for you and yours.
My best to you!
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