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**FlyAway** · August 3, 2011, 09:59 AM

Feeling at loose ends

ATL, there is so much I could say about this that I feel I could write a book. But I don't know exactly what it is you're looking for here. What is it that you think you need to go over and take care of? Your dad is her spouse, not you. You say he's in good health. Let him take care of her. Maybe you and your mom aren't giving him the opportunity to take over. By the way, everything is in your control if you want it to be. You've given your control and power over to your mom and she's calling the shots in your adult life and whether you realize it or not is influencing your husband's and son's lives too. You can be in control if you want to be.

**FlyAway** · August 3, 2011, 10:04 AM

Feeling at loose ends

By the way, are you close to any of your siblings? Would they know what's going on with your mother's surgery?

**ATLThrash** · August 3, 2011, 10:20 AM

Feeling at loose ends

Fly--not sure what I am looking for if anything-- just wanted to get it out because it was bubbling all around. My mom has enabled my dad to do nothing (except go to work and earn the money) for 50 years and he expects that his children will do the same for him-- he is 79 years old and though capable I would think-- I feel badly for him to go through a crisis type thing alone (he thinks it is a crisis-- it may or may not be in truth) since he has not in his adult life actually had to address much of anything alone due to my mom's omni-pressance. (This is why she has been such a factor in my life-- my dad is a kind man-- just not expected to do anything unpleasant-- she was 100% of the parenting even though he was in the house also). My sister and I are close-- she was visiting her in laws and had just arrived after a 800 mile car trip and my mom called her-- apparently she has known since last week which is before my sister left for her trip-- so now my sister is trying to figure out how they are all goiing to turn around and go back 800 miles...so she was asking me if I would just cancel my trip since it has not yet happened and go over. I guess the feeling is that being present is the "right thing to do" with a major surgery, that is certainly the impression I am sure my mom would want us to have. It is not that I am heartless and not interested in what happens but I have been through her power trips so many times that now when faced with a situation where a commnad performance would be thought to be "right" I am really reacting rather poorly to the thought. The fact that she knew last week and decided to tell us just today sort of supports that she is on some sort of control trip or head game-- hate to be mean about it but I just know her after 44 years! (that she wanted us to go on with our plans so she waited is not in her MO at all). Just writing it helps me sort out what I am having such conflcting feelings so thanks!

**FlyAway** · August 3, 2011, 10:29 AM

Feeling at loose ends

Oh sweetie, you don't sound mean at all! If you want mean, you should see the thoughts going through my head!

**FlyAway** · August 3, 2011, 10:34 AM

Feeling at loose ends

Does anyone actually know what procedure she's having done? Could it be that it's really not so major but that she's just trying to control you? How would you feel if you didn't go and something happened? I'm not advocating that you go at all, I'm just wondering if you would feel badly if something happened and you weren't there. After reading the few things I read about your mother I really don't think I'd personally feel that badly. She is toxic and you can stop the nonsense if you really want to. It would require you to be confrontational to her, but it's within your grasp.

**ATLThrash** · August 4, 2011, 09:46 AM

Feeling at loose ends

FLy--I do know. It is a procedure to correct an abdominal aortic aneurysm. It was discovered last summer but at the time the doc would not correct it because it was borderline in size and also because my mom is overweight, smokes, etc and he did not think it would be a successful surgery. Nothing has changed except now it is larger, not borderline and she is still with the same habits. I decided not to go-- I had written a long reply to you but it got lost when I refreshed--I might feel bad if something happened but I have been guilted all my life by her and my dad does need to learn to handle things on his own

**FlyAway** · August 4, 2011, 05:11 PM

Feeling at loose ends

I think you are making a wise decision. You and your family count too. You have plans and I hope that you follow through with them. And I agree that your dad needs to step up and do his job instead of letting everyone else do his work for him. :l

**ATLThrash** · August 4, 2011, 07:00 PM

Feeling at loose ends

Thanks Fly. It is very tense speaking to my dad even. I can tell he is scared and also that he is peeved I did not come over. My sister even let me have it in her passive aggressive way. She and i have always been close but this thing with my mom is driving us apart. Growing up I was always my mom's favorite, since I let her call teh shots and did not talk back when she stepped over the line. I also personality wise was more like her in terms of being and extrovert (my dad and sister are a little shy). When we were young my sister set bounds with my mom and so they were not as close. Of course having lived through it all I now know exactly the type of stuff my mom is saying about me to her and my dad because i heard it all about my sister until about a year ago. My sister and I were pretty good kids-- straight As in school all the way up to grad school etc. Now my mom is actually ashamed of me because I don't work as a lawyer anymore and take care of our son and because I am heavy (I was never that until pregnancy gain and the aftermath with the drinking and stuff)-- she is ashamed because she thinks it means I am lazy and a slob not becasue of health issues caused by weight which could come or because i miss work( I don't!) and thinks it reflects on her parenting. I actually caught her lying to her friends telling them I was consulting and stuff for a job when I have not done that in years and then telling peoplee i am fat due to health issues (I am fat because I gained too much weight while pregnant and then did not put in the effort to lose it--my serious health issues were all in the past and I was thin then). My sister has decided she does not want to be the black sheep anymore so she is letting my mom do to her what I took for years-- so far it is not bugging her because she has not had years of it. My sister actually told me she is going over on Saturday and that I need to come on Monday which is in the middle of our trip-- I told her I would if there was some crisis but otherrwise I thought i would go later when she feels better (So I can bring our child and deflect stuff off me--hee)-- she did not like that AT ALL and thinks I am heartless-- it is really not worth it to explain ti to her but I do feel that the well is poisoned against me with my dad and her since I clearly failed my mom's test about coming over and dropping everything. When I spoke to my dad I heard my mom in the background talking and she would not talk to me but my sister said she was chatting up a storm to her. I really think it is time I paid some attention just to me-- not doing so has gotten me partially in this mess and the years are slipping away. Thanks for your kindness (so far the operation seems successful though her legs are numb but i guess that is the nerve block since they went through her groin to do stents)

**RingingCedars** · August 4, 2011, 07:40 PM

Feeling at loose ends

ATLThrash;1158240 wrote: Thanks Fly. It is very tense speaking to my dad even. I can tell he is scared and also that he is peeved I did not come over. My sister even let me have it in her passive aggressive way. She and i have always been close but this thing with my mom is driving us apart. Growing up I was always my mom's favorite, since I let her call teh shots and did not talk back when she stepped over the line. I also personality wise was more like her in terms of being and extrovert (my dad and sister are a little shy). When we were young my sister set bounds with my mom and so they were not as close. Of course having lived through it all I now know exactly the type of stuff my mom is saying about me to her and my dad because i heard it all about my sister until about a year ago. My sister and I were pretty good kids-- straight As in school all the way up to grad school etc. Now my mom is actually ashamed of me because I don't work as a lawyer anymore and take care of our son and because I am heavy (I was never that until pregnancy gain and the aftermath with the drinking and stuff)-- she is ashamed because she thinks it means I am lazy and a slob not becasue of health issues caused by weight which could come or because i miss work( I don't!) and thinks it reflects on her parenting. I actually caught her lying to her friends telling them I was consulting and stuff for a job when I have not done that in years and then telling peoplee i am fat due to health issues (I am fat because I gained too much weight while pregnant and then did not put in the effort to lose it--my serious health issues were all in the past and I was thin then). My sister has decided she does not want to be the black sheep anymore so she is letting my mom do to her what I took for years-- so far it is not bugging her because she has not had years of it. My sister actually told me she is going over on Saturday and that I need to come on Monday which is in the middle of our trip-- I told her I would if there was some crisis but otherrwise I thought i would go later when she feels better (So I can bring our child and deflect stuff off me--hee)-- she did not like that AT ALL and thinks I am heartless-- it is really not worth it to explain ti to her but I do feel that the well is poisoned against me with my dad and her since I clearly failed my mom's test about coming over and dropping everything. When I spoke to my dad I heard my mom in the background talking and she would not talk to me but my sister said she was chatting up a storm to her. I really think it is time I paid some attention just to me-- not doing so has gotten me partially in this mess and the years are slipping away. Thanks for your kindness (so far the operation seems successful though her legs are numb but i guess that is the nerve block since they went through her groin to do stents)

Hi ATL--you sound good. So glad to hear it. I so get how your mom plays you against each other and the triangulations. It's mad. Good for you stepping back and going forward. :goodjob:

**ATLThrash** · August 4, 2011, 07:56 PM

Feeling at loose ends

It is insane. I would like to enjoy my vacation-- I have loads of hard work to do on myself when we return physically, mentally etc-- and I need to focus single mindedly on that. Might be selfish but I figure if I really put in the time and effort to accomplish what I can accomplish (in terms of the things within my control-- not drinking and physical fitness) I will be far happier in the long run. I have been unhappy and I feel sure that my 6 year old has noticed at times and that he will only notice more as he grows up. I WILL NOT contribute to him being an unhappy person or having scars from his childhood because of me and my behavior. I owe it to him and society to give him the tools to be a good person

**ATLThrash** · August 4, 2011, 07:58 PM

Feeling at loose ends

Ringing-- Are you into politics? Triangulation is often used to describe political strategy (Dick Morris taught Clinton to use it successfully here to be re-elected and achieve goals). My husband comes from 7 kids-- as he says -- as long as there is more than one kid there is a rotating S--T list!

**RingingCedars** · August 4, 2011, 08:24 PM

Feeling at loose ends

ATLThrash;1158263 wrote: It is insane. I would like to enjoy my vacation-- I have loads of hard work to do on myself when we return physically, mentally etc-- and I need to focus single mindedly on that. Might be selfish but I figure if I really put in the time and effort to accomplish what I can accomplish (in terms of the things within my control-- not drinking and physical fitness) I will be far happier in the long run. I have been unhappy and I feel sure that my 6 year old has noticed at times and that he will only notice more as he grows up. I WILL NOT contribute to him being an unhappy person or having scars from his childhood because of me and my behavior. I owe it to him and society to give him the tools to be a good person

Go you! All sounds reasonable to me.

Me politics:H I'm afraid I wouldn't be very diplomatic. I think triangulation is a psychological tactic used in politics though. I've read my share of those, I guess. Had to to try and figure out my brain!

**ATLThrash** · August 4, 2011, 09:42 PM

Feeling at loose ends

I am not diplomatic AT ALL. This is one reason these games and passive aggressive things make me nuts-- don't tell me one thing but hope i do another as a test. If it were me and I wanted something done I pretty much say-- I really want you to do "X". Then when they don't at least I know they knew what they were saying no to! Time to get organized for the coast--the massiveness of hte ocean at times makes my problems seem really small in comparision to the rest of the world.

**RingingCedars** · August 11, 2011, 07:33 PM

Feeling at loose ends

Wondering if you're back yet and how you are ATL? Hope your holiday by the ocean was everything you needed.

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