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[BeanoC]

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3 weeks AF today...

It might not seem like much, but I haven't gone 3 weeks without alcohol in years - many years. I have really been concentrating on better nutrition and weight loss since I stopped drinking too, so it's become more about losing the weight than not drinking, really. I am making that my obsession! As I've said many times, I may (MAY) consider moderation, but I have decided that I need to get to my goal weight first; that should take 4 to 6 months. I don't know if I can go that long without a drink but I am sure as hell gonna try. That's the deal I've made with myself - keep working out and watching the diet, and when I hit the weight I'm after, I will give myself permission to re-evaluate. I figure that's a strong incentive to get back in shape. Of course, if I "give myself permission to drink" after that, I could put myself right back on a path to where I am now. I don't want to work that hard and then undo everything, so maybe this will become my permanent lifestyle. Wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen!

[tonstantweader]

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Hey Beano, tomorrow is four weeks for me and I'm feeling pretty strong. Had a really hectic, stressful day today and I haven't even had to take L-glut - no cravings whatsoever. I'm a little spooked by all the relapses here lately, though. It sounds as if you have a good plan. I know that I can't moderate, but it might be possible for you. I don't ever want to go back to the constant thinking about alcohol. I just want to be free of it and for me that means not drinking.

[BeanoC]

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For some reason, I feel it getting bigger & closer... the desire to have a few and see if I can control it; not today, probably not tomorrow, but maybe... this weekend? Just not sure. I hate this internal conflict! I know I just recently said that I would like to go a few months, until I get this weight off, etc. but lately I am having a harder time with the thought of several months AF. I seem to run hot and cold. I wish I could just make a decision and be at peace with that. I know that whenever I take that first drink, I am going to feel like a complete failure. "Well, there goes all that effort you made to quit. You gave in, loser." So I guess I'm trying to give myself permission, so it's not a failure but rather a conscious choice. I am just trying to be as honest with myself as possible, and not dress it up to be something it isn't. If I could limit myself to weekends, I'd be okay with that. Before, I was drinking every day. Every single day. So if I could only drink beers on Friday and/or Saturday, mission accomplished, I'd say. But I've never been able to do that before, so why would I now? Maybe I've detoxed myself enough to not be in need of it everyday? Hell I don't know. I am just rambling again! For now, I am remaining AF and will for a few days at least - maybe a lot longer. I don't have a craving, I have a desire. My body no longer needs it, but my brain seems to think it does!


GRRRRRrrrrrrrrr.....

[red67]

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Hi bean, I have read your posts lately and just wanted to add my two cents. When I read that you maybe want to have a few beers and see if you could be a " weekend drinker", that makes me worried. A counselor explained it to me once that if you have a problem with alcohol and are thinking you could try to moderate try to think of your brain with wires running all thru it. For alcoholics the wires get red, or hot, when they drink. When you quit drinking the wires go dormant after a while, still sparking every now and then (cravings) but still live wires. If you drink then the wires get red (hot) again very quickly and even more active, because your AL addicted brain does not want you to try to stop again. If you have a problem with AL, you probably have the wiring that will never allow you to truly moderate. People who do not have a problem do not think or obsess about drinking nor do they try to put themselves on a drinking schedule ( ie weekends only).

I say this only because I don't want you to slide backwards by giving yourself the permission to drink. It is such a slippery slope and so much harder to climb back up if you realize that you may be in trouble with alcohol again.

I know I cannot speak to where you are with AL, I just wanted to maybe help with the " drinking thinking". If you are having "conversations" with yourself about drinking again maybe you could think about the wiring my counselor told me about. It really helped me to stay sober. I am at 5 1/2 months sober and the cravings still do come but I remind myself about the wiring and it puts a stop to any real thoughts of giving in.

[tonstantweader]

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Beano,
Listen to Red's wise words. I have made the decision to not drink again because I know that I cannot moderate and now that I have made that decision, I don't have these conversations with myself. I don't drink. Keep saying that to yourself. There is a certain liberation when you come to that conclusion. As red says, when I have tried to moderate in the past after not drinking, I have ALWAYS ended up drinking more than every before. There are some great articles on the web about brain chemistry and addiction that indicate that once your brain becomes addicted, it stays addicted even if you abstain for long periods.
You are stronger than the cravings.

[BeanoC]

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Well, you're both right. I'm sure that's true. Using the "red hot wires" metaphor - I'd like to think they burn out after a while, but I know that's not true for alcoholics. They'll stay dormant for years, and if you drink again...look out, here we go again!!

So I guess I should stop trying to rationalize it and come to terms with it. It's just...scary.
But, like red also said, people who don't have a problem with alcohol don't obsess over it.
So the more I think about all these scenarios, the more that should tell me something!
I just know I am going to be faced with countless situations where temptation (and tradition, I suppose) will be right on front of me, and that's the scary part. I know they say you should remove yourself from tempting situations, don't associate with the people you drank with, etc. But that simply isn't possible for me - partly because there was alcohol involved with everything we did! Vacations, holidays, birthdays, weekends, etc. All our friends drink, and they've all seen me drink of course. So it's gonna be there; I am just going to have to learn to live with that.

Okay, one day at a time.

[tonstantweader]

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Beano,
I am lucky that I live in an area where lots and lots of people don't drink, so it isn't an alcohol-based culture. But there are several people here on other threads who have shared suggestions for social situations where they have to refuse alcohol. Some have just told people that they are on a break from Al because of their health, or that it was just interfering too much with their life and they have been able to withstand it that way. I keep reminding myself that there are lots of people who cannot drink because of illnesses or medications they are on. Somehow they manage to live their lives without drinking. We, too, have an illness that requires that we not drink. It's up to you whether to tell people or not just what that illness is.
Keep on keeping on. You are only a week behind me, so I don't want to lose my sober buddy.

[BeanoC]

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tonstantweader wrote: Keep on keeping on. You are only a week behind me, so I don't want to lose my sober buddy.

Damn you for making me feel too guilty to drink! LOL

All this logic is just making way too much sense.

Seriously, I know that I am on the right path now and I don't want to lose that. And after drinking for 20+ years, it stands to reason that 3 weeks of sobriety would still feel like the exception rather than the norm. Just takes time I guess. But I have a feeling it's gonna feel weird for quite a while, so that is probably what is tweaking my little brain right now. Out by the pool bbq'ing, but no beer. Hanging out on the deck of a cruise ship, but no beer. Going to the ball game, cheering and having hot dogs, but no beer. Weird indeed! Thank goodness I have a great family and great friends; I know they will all understand and support me if I choose to share it with them.

I know some people who have quit drinking, and every one of them will tell you that life is much better now, so I am going on faith that my day to feel that way will come too! I mean, I DO feel much, much better already. These last few weeks have been great - but that void is still there, as is the desire. So I look forward to shedding that burden entirely and just moving on with my life with sobriety as a constant. I really hope I can do this.

[tonstantweader]

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BeanoC;1171827 wrote: Damn you for making me feel too guilty to drink! LOL

All this logic is just making way too much sense.

.

Good! That was completely my intention! I am not above a little emotional manipulation.
How's this for logic:
Premise 1: I don't drink.
Premise 2: I don't drink.
Conclusion: I don't drink.

If the first premise is true, the others follow, right?

Remember that drinking is a habit and it takes quite some time to overcome the habitual nature of it. All of the things you mentioned are associated in your mind with beer. You need to slowly disassociate each thing with its correlation to beer. For instance, I used to love drinking wine while cooking. In the first week or two, I made sure that dinners were rather mundane, simple affairs that didn't scream out "Drink wine while you cook." Then I tried one dinner that I normally would have made while drinking, but I had a soda or water there to sip instead of wine. Slowly I broke myself of that association.

For some reason, this time I can really see myself as a non-drinker from now on.

Also, I saw your reply on another thread and that can be a great way to stay sober. As I said in the beginning of our conversation, helping others stay sober is one of the best ways to stay sober yourself. That's why you can't quit on me - you're my success story! (not above emotional blackmail either!)

[BeanoC]

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tonstantweader wrote: For some reason, this time I can really see myself as a non-drinker from now on.

I think that is my problem - I just can't seem to see that yet - or say it. Especially to other people, because if I say "I don't drink", or "I quit drinking", well then it's official. I would be a total failure if I fell off after that, and nobody would take me seriously if I tried again. I don't ever want to hear "oh, you quit drinking again, huh?" So I am psyched out by the "no turning back now" idea I guess. Still trying to give myself permission to drink if I so choose, apparently. I have never been this wishy-washy about anything in my life. I am quite capable of making decisions and seeing them through. I make long-term business decisions all the time, as well as personal ones. This one just still feels bigger than me.

[cpn1004]

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BeanoC,
I was a daily beer drinker too. It is difficult to quit it. It me about 6 months to finally string 30 AF days together. Now I have 634 sober days, like they say one day at a time.
You can do this too.
Good luck.

[tonstantweader]

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Hey Beano,
Didn't want you to think I had abandoned you. I've had a family crisis and Internet access is limited. Keep on keeping on!

[BeanoC]

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I am still keepin' on! It has gotten a lot easier over the last week or so. I am working out everyday and starting to get this extra weight off. That is my focus now, so drinking is just not part of the plan. I have very specific goals in mind, and I tend to be obsessive about such things, so I have no intention of letting alcohol make me fall short of my goals; something I would beat myself up over. I will be exactly one month AF as of tomorrow. I have a long way to go to get to the weight I want to be at; maybe that's a good thing! I know I will stay AF during this quest, and I'm sure after a few months AF I won't even think about it anymore.

[BeanoC]

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Wow, my thread was on page 3. No responses in several days. I feel so unloved. LOL

j/k

Made it through another difficult 'test'... opening weekend of the NFL! I honestly can't remember the last time a Sunday of football went by without a case of beer going with it.
But I really didn't think about it much during the day. I just watched football and enjoyed it like I always do, except sober! Today is AF day 36 for me. Wow, 5 weeks! Who'd a thunk it?

[Doggygirl]

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:yougo::yougo:CONGRATULATIONS BEANO ON 36 DAYS AF!!!!!!:yougo::yougo:

I just got done reading from a ways back in this thread and WOW you have come so far!!! And a sober kickoff to the NFL season to boot! You are doing great. Hope you are lovin' the AF life! I need to get more consistent about my workouts. You are motivating me!

DG