Why is it that...

[lookingforhope]

Unless something happens that makes me hit bottom, then I have the strength to say no for a few days. But as long are things are smooth, I think...this isnt so bad. Even waking up hungover, I simply pop my anxiety pills, and then within one hour, I actually hear comments that it looks like I had a good nights sleep. So as long as I can get away with it, pull it off....even in those absolutely stupid moments, as long as they are not too stupid, then the rationalization just rolls.

As long as it doesnt hurt too bad, or hurt those around me (hey, I'm even a better Mom sometimes when I'm drinking because I'm not uptight-rationalization) then wake up, read the news about all these awful events that have occured in just one day, I think...wow, I'm really doing okay. But...this is not living, whirling events, thoughts, etc etc.

Why is it so hard to smile when I am not drinking (mainly when I get home). Why do I think drinking helps me smile, for that initial moment of feeling buzzed...but then the sinking feeling of depression and guilt, but still makes the smile look a little more real.

Would love to live what seems to be a real life for others, walking their dogs, going to church, jogging, getting involved with organizations. I say I would love to...but have no desire really. I guess others always look perfect from the outside...but damn I would much rather have a drink then walk the dog. Keep busy they say, just so easy to pick it up. Everything goes away for awhile.

Joined this group...quit for almost a week, slipped, and havent looked back.

Thank you for all that have got this far, rambling I suppose. So much easier to express thoughts when you have had a few.

I guess I am curious what your rationlizations are...how do you move past wanting that drink to living life. As many times as I have hit bottom you would think that would be enough but no...so, what finally gave you enough strength to put this poison down.

[surfer2]

Why is it that...

thank you kate
you are a tower of strength

[Cashregister]

Why is it that...

Hi there,

I too used to think that I was a better Mum when drinking - so relaxed and cool about things. But I wasn't, and when my 8 year old started to ask me not to drink wine I knew that it was getting to her.

Point was I was unpredictable, hard to talk to, self absorbed and the list goes on - I gave more time to the booze than to her. In fact it was getting to the point that the booze was more important than her.

That was my wake up moment.

And I used to look at those "normal people" too and wonder how anyone could be like that. They all have their probelms too i'll bet, but they are looking for answers in different places.

There was no answer at the bottom of a glass for me, and I looked for a while. But then I found that I really didn't even know the question I was trying to answer and it all started to feel somewhat absurd.

Hang in there, perpsective does come, and I am a firm believer that rock bottom does not always bring it - I have watched my adopted mother drink since I was 6, she is now 72 and still guzzling, and I can tell you that the one thing she cannot find is perpective - it sounds like you already have, you are questioning your actions and understanding your rationalisations - that's way further than my mum ever got.

Be kind to yourself, you're getting there.

C
xxxxx

[xtexan]

Why is it that...

Hi Looking:

Kate is right on the money with her words.

Cash is right about perspective.

My decision came when it became REAL. I mean stark, obvious, no deals made, real. That I was going to die. Dead. Not breathing anymore. Cold, on a slab, toe-tag dead.

That jarred me to the core, like nothing else.

I had no choice but to stop, and the decision to act was made solid. No waffling. No negotiation.

Thats about as lucid as a I can be about how I made the choice.

Neil

[irishlady]

Why is it that...

Hello Looking,.......As I was reading your post, I was already formulating a reply to you, then I read what Kate, Cash and Neil had to say, and they have said it all.......You asked where the strength came from to stop drinking. Well for me it came from several places, but the main ones were, the time my daughter asked me a question about her previous visit a few days previously, I must have looked blank, her reply to me was, " well you were drunk at the time anyway "....I thought I was good at pretending to be sober......but I can still hear the disgust in her voice.....The morning I got up and realised I had drunk nearly three bottles of wine the night before....then spent the rest of the day throwing up....that was the last time I had a drink, I found this forum, joined up and have never looked back...Today is day 79 without alcohol, and wild horses couldn't drag me back to the old days.....My father died, aged 63 from cancer, he was an alcoholic, he brought nothing into our home when I was a child, but, anger, drunkeness, hatred, shame, no love, so another reason to give up drink, I don't want to be like him......Lastly, one of my BIG GUNS in my war against alcohol is a photograph......About a week before I finally stopped drinking, my son, husband and myself went to London for a day out.....We had a great time, although I had been drinking heavily the night before and was as usual hungover....My son took lots of photos with his new mobile phone, when I looked at them on the little screen on the back of his phone they looked fine.....The following day my son came to see me, and while he was here he downloaded the photos to my computer.......Well, I was shocked to see myself, because it wasn't me staring from the screen, it was my younger sister, she is 44 years old, and like our father is an alcoholic, though she won't admit it ( but, as they say, thats another story ).....I looked just like her...dull eyes...lank looking hair....red blotchy skin.....overweight...I had it all. I looked at that photo on and off for the next week, still carried on drinking though, and I now think that is why I drank the three bottles of wine that Friday night,because I was so depressed by what I was turning into...Thank God that was my turning point...

Please, look at your children, when they are grown up, what sort of memories do you want them to have of you and their childhood?..Sit down and think about your life, evaluate it, decide what IS important FOR YOU, and keep coming back here, reading and posting, it really will help.

Wishing you Good Luck.
Love Louise xxx

[Changeling]

Why is it that...

Look within

Sometimes even though the negatives of drinking are clear to us - it is so hard to see the other side.
The positives of being sober.

Perhaps the important step is to define something in your life that you want more than you want a drink.
It can so easily be something thats right there in our everyday life but we don't see it.

Good luck to you
Changeling

[Beaches]

Why is it that...

Hello Looking,
You expressed everything that I have been feeling. I have 3 young ones and from 4pm-7pm it's happy hour around my house. Meaning kids are screaming, fighting, wanting, needing all at the same time and I think if I just have a drink to take off the edge I will be so much better. So I take the drink and I do feel better. My heart is not racing I feel back in control. Then I have another, then another, then another and it's not so good anymore. I become withdrawn and kind of go into my own world where I focus on myself so that I don't lose my temper and can deal. Unfortunately I am not dealing when I do this. I have a million rationalizations. Even when it's a sunny day and I feel great my first thought is...I will have a drink. Any reason there is a rationalization. I thought I hit rock bottom at least 4 times. I think back to the events and am scared to think that if these weren't rock bottom what will be? What will it take? I don't want to find out what it will take. I want to get control before I get to that place.

This weekend I asked my husband what his New Years Resolutions were twice. So then he asked me mine and I said the typical lose weight, get healthy, exercise and....go AF for at least one month. He said yeah I noticed you drink alot and this engaged in a long conversation in the car (where I could not escape and didn't really want too). He talked about me being "tanked" as he puts it, stumbling, slurring and he doesn't get it. I asked why he never said anything to me about this and he didn't really have an answer. I thought I was hiding it. Now if my husband who I only see a few hours about of the day notices then my children sure do too.
I just realized I need to live long, see my kids grow and not let "my addict" get the best of me. It will be a long journey but one I am ready to take. I am al most ready for Jan 1st. Arming myself emotionally for this day.
Stay here and check in. I don't think I would have even gotten to the place of considering stopping for 30 days had it not been for the stories and support of the people here.

[Nina328]

Why is it that...

Hi,

I can so relate here. My husband hasn't confronted me yet and I haven't a clue why. I have asked him before even when I was drinking more if he thought I drank too much and he said "no, we all like to have a good time." He pokes fun of me the next day, but I know he must be thinking "Why does she drink so much?"

My daughter(5 years) asked me the other day around 11 am if I wanted a beer. She hasn't a clue what it is or does, just sees it as a drink, but it floored me.

I have been with this group since Oct of 2005 and have had lots of success at times and now I just don't know. I am trying to figure out what my addiction is. I have read so much on your "classic alcoholic" Shakes, feels better or normal when they drink, drinks all day long and this isn't me.

The day after a bender, I couldn't even think about drinking. I feel sick and the self loathing is all encompassing. Two days after a bender I don't feel sick, but the guilt and feeling of "oh my goodness, I need to do something" is still there. Day three is the kicker, the guilt has faded and I feel great physically. I have did no harm really the last time I got drunk-excepting leaving about 5 messages on friends answering machines and had to be put to bed by my husband. WHY DO WE DO THIS?!

Back to day three: This is when I get the itch. Not so much a craving, but an itch to drink. Sometimes I can make it to day four, but many times not.

I have tried campral 3X. Doesn't work for me. I have tried antabuse. It worked really well for me until I figured out how soon I could drink afterwards and not be sick. Problem is, I get drunk really fast and get all read and blotchy and my husband thinks something is wrong with me(he doesn't know I take it).

When I drink it is all or nothing. I just can't fathom how people can have 1 or 2 drinks. I would rather have none than 2. It would freak me out-the anxiety of only 2 drinks. Am I an alcoholic? Knowing that I am not quite the "classic alcoholic" keeps me from saying no.

I am very sad and depressed right now, but know that each day without a drink makes me feel better. I need to do something, but am not sure what.

Last night I watched "Charlie Brown Christmas" with my kids. Luck said something to the effect, "If you know you need help, then you are already on the road to getting better" This isn't it exactly, but something to the effect of know you have a problem is a sign that you can be helped or get better. Hopefully this is true and there is hope for me.

Sorry this is so long, but I just needed to type.

Take Care,
Nina

[Allie]

Why is it that...

Hi Hope,
Everyone's advice is very good and as you can see, so many relate to your feelings. I too, (like you) have looked out my window more days than I care to know and seen these fit, energetic Mom's out walking their dogs, jogging, pushing double strollers full of babies and its like 8:00 in the morning. And I think to myself, "How do they do it???" I have done it before and in spurts when not drinking and it feels so good, so why do we stay in a cycle? I have cut way, WAY back on the amount that I drink since joining this site almost a year ago, but have been terrified of abs and giving it up completely. But I feel that pull to be free of it once and for all. I hate the bondage that even moderation can keep me in so much of the time. I'm still "thinking" about it every day and planning around it, for it, hiding it from my older two -- I am inspired by Becca and am really wanting to stop completely after New Year's eve. My husband has been so supportive this whole journey and is very proud of how far I've come, but I know it would mean the world to him if I quit totally and could be the person he married again. I want to be that person too.

I think for me and for all of us it boils down to what Kate was saying. We have to hate it enough to make a decision that is so grounded and firm that our decision will finally override our desire for it. You just have to "get there" and sometimes it is more of a process than for others. You will do it.

Alle

[fsophiah]

Why is it that...

For me, I had to come to a point where I hated myself enough to be ready to change. Like you, I think I'm still evolving. I've also seen through these boards that there are many different ways that people experience this condition. I have never in my life wanted to drink in the morning. I really didn't even have hangovers, but I would wake up at 4 a.m. and have at least an hour of self-loathing. I thought I was the only one until I came here. What I've learned here is that I have to manage. I've got to use the tools I've gained, keep working out, use meds, remind myself that there are times when saying no to myself is just something that has to be done. Sometimes I'll be bored. Sometimes I'll walk the dog. The difference between now and then is that now I have resources, right?

[Guest]

Why is it that...

Self deception keeps us on the path of self destruction. Our thinking is so warped, we will turn anything around to convince ourselves we aren't 'that' bad...YET! Sure, I can hold 2 jobs and function well at them, have never had a DUI, still get my kids to school on time and make sure their homework is complete, NEVER drank first thing in the morning, would black out on 'just' a bottle of wine, have never been in such excellent physical condition in all my life, have been able to abstain the greater part of this past year, blah, blah blah...I must not be an alcoholic. NOT! Even if someone convinced me I wasn't for whatever reason, I would still chose the path I have chosen today. I have FREEDOM!! I wouldn't trade it for the world! Acceptance was and is the answer for me. I grew tired of how I felt inside. That is what it came down to for me. That is it.

[samadhi]

Why is it that...

Looking for hope - I can soooo relate to your message. In fact - it's what has started me back on board to register and post. I started this a little over a year ago and was doing quite well. And then.... This summer, I feel like I blew it. But I'm ready to get back on board - Thank God!!! I slowly crept back up to drinking nearly every day - The only thing that seems to make me go AF is a really bad hangover or a fight or some embarassment. But then... the memory fades and I think I can handle myself and it starts all over again. I am so sick of the whole thing. Most days I don't go too over board - maybe 4 drinks (which I know is still alot) - While that is enough to make me loathe myself for most of the next day, it's not enough to give me a hangover or do some thing embarassing - so I don't stop. I almost wish I had gone really over board the previous day - so that I could experience just one more AF day.

In the mornings, I can't imagine wanting a drink - and then, by 5:30 - like clockwork....it's overwhelming. I don't think I know how to enjoy myself clean. Maybe if I could really analyze and recall my thoughts during my AF days and mentally put myself in the same place. I too, want to see myself as the great wife, mother, hostess, etc. There are so many people to relate to here! I feel like I'm in prison. I really want freedom - Coming back online is a first step - thanks so much for all of your thoughtful posts, any support is accepted with gratitude - Samadhi :thanks:

[Andy1111]

Why is it that...

For me, you just have to start hating alcohol. I'm afraid of it. Afraid of what the next binge could do. I constantly remind myself of one night where I lost it and that stops the craving. I also remind myself of what it's like to go to work sober in the morning and what it's like with a hangover.

Those two images are ingrained in my mind. If they ever fade, I'll write it down on a piece of paper and carry it in my pocket everyday. I'd whip out that piece of paper, read what's on it, be reminded and say NO to that ugly, disgusting chemical.

[Changeling]

Why is it that...

Andy - I think you are so right.
Your post really made me think - hating Alcohol is the right idea
Much better than seeing it as something good that you are missing out on.
Good idea to write it down and hold that thought.
Best wishes
C

[Andy1111]

Why is it that...

Changeling wrote: Andy - I think you are so right.
Your post really made me think - hating Alcohol is the right idea
Much better than seeing it as something good that you are missing out on.
Good idea to write it down and hold that thought.
Best wishes
C

No problem. Basically, part of that post was inspired by other posts I've read. I'm certainly not the first person to come up with the hate alcohol method, but it is strong and it does work. You'll stumble a bit at first, but the fact that you are here means you are determined to help youself.

That's why so many MWO people find success, eventually. We all have something in common: We desparetly want to rid ourselves of this addiction. That thought lead us here. That is a very powerful thought and goal, more powerful than alcohol. It has to be. I've never seen any bottles of booze posting here!