Ashamed to admit

[ATLThrash]

I keep trying to make myself feel better by thinking of all the day ones people go through again and again until no AL "takes". Why? Because I am in that boat again. Last night I drank 4 beers-- does not sound like alot-- but that was after the 3 I had while sitting around watching HGTV while my hubby and son went ice skating . It is like Jekyll and Hyde-- somedays I feel so strong but then I blow it. I just made a new sobriety plan-- and perhaps in the back of my mind there was an element of-- now that I have a plan I will just blow it out and fix it later. I woke at 4 a.m. wondering if I had blacked out--right before going to bed I recall thinking that when my hubby came upstairs I was just going to lay out my full desperation to him--he knows I worry about drinking but he does not know I have hidden it so to him he thinks I am just beating myself up over a minor thing. I recall being so sure that I should tell him that I think maybe I did- but if so-- I have no recall of that at all. AT ALL. Telling him about the hiding -- I am so scared he will just never trust me again. Maybe he shouldn't... So here I sit worrying that I poured it all out and that he is just going to be so disappointed. Plus I am filled with all the negative emotions that accompany drinking. Oh well-- just wanted to vent--getting it out can help at times

[starfairy]

Ashamed to admit

ATL
I feel like i am in the same boat. I get so down about my drinking but he just thinks i beat myself up over nothing. i am the one that is inside my drunk brain. i know who messed up i am and how i pour a fresh drink every time he steps out of the room so it seems like we are drinking at the same level. i think you should tell him. he may understand and be happy you opened up to him. now that i have been AL free for 2 weeks i think my husband nows that i was to be serious. he has finally agreed to stop making comments like "ohh that would be good mixed with vodka"...how am i supposed to answer that when i am struggling with it every day. get your head together and start new today. maybe talking with him will help you deal with some of the guilt and you can start with a clean slate. pull up some tears. men can not ignore that. good luck to you!

[ATLThrash]

Ashamed to admit

Star-- I didn't tell him last night-- so that is a relief-- I don't think I have ever blacked out--but the thoughts were so vivid about telling him I thought I had. We have had some talks in the past about the drinking-- he has been supportive but he really does not know the extent of the problem. IN the past I have admitted to hiding and he thinks that is over. And it was pretty much until just recently. I hate admitting I am weak-- I feel like I pulled a bait and switch on him-- when we married I was not at all like this and if he had gained a load of weight and was drinking too much I woudl likely feel that he had pulled one on me though of course I would still love him

[Lavande]

Ashamed to admit

You have the power to stop all this right now ATL ~ if you really want to stop more than you want to continue drinking!

I didn't truly understand the concept until I got honest with myself. Did I really want to keep making the same mistake over & over again or was I ready to move on? Moving on for me meant that I had to turn my back on AL once & for all ~ no looking back, no matter what
Life certainly has not been perfect for me but at least I have the comfort of knowing that I am no longer, deliberately making things worse. I have no regrets over quitting, never will!

Lav

[rubywillow]

Ashamed to admit

ATL, you're living a tortured life, and letting AL control it. That old and tired adage (1's too many, a 1000's not enough) is true for some of us. You don't NEED any else's understanding, approval, of dealing with your problem. You need your own. Would it be nice to sit down and have any beverage of choice to relax? Of course. BUT, if that leads to needing more, and forgetting what we've done, hiding it, trying to pretend we haven't done anything, and the worst - being in charge of children while under the influence - we have to stop. I did it. I paid dearly for it. I have nightmares over it. Now is the time to not worry what others think, and say 'I don't drink any more'. Just because someone else in our life doesn't see it's a problem is no excuse, we know. Because I know where you are, I know you can read the daily news and see the results of those who fail to take the next right step. Your husband doesn't have to understand how bad this is. You do. And you are the only one who can change your life. YOUR life. So, what you need, IMHO, is support, a plan, and a working schedule for each day. Your husband may be in denial, but you aren't. C'mon, do this for YOU. The results are hard-won, but spectacular. It's nice to have all the other sports moms ask what you've done to look so fresh and renewed. And believe me, the signs of progressive alcoholism are like flashing neon.
Trust is earned. But when you beat this, then tell him about your journey. If he's the man you believe he is, he will be in awe of you. What can I do to help you?

[ATLThrash]

Ashamed to admit

Ruby-- if you have a chance will you pm me and tell me your story? It seems like you have it figured out but it would help if I knew how far you had come and what you did to address it. I like reading people's plans to give me ideas. Your advice is always good. I think lack of a structured schedule is probably hurting me every day-- not that I drink while my child is in school-- I don't (so far but it could head there if I don't get it together) but the unstructured time is giving me a load of hours to ruminate on all of this and that makes it worse for me. I am in charge of keeping the house running and all my son's activities but when he is at school, I don't have a load to keep me busy. And lately I have gotten almost agoraphobic so that is not helping things.

[ATLThrash]

Ashamed to admit

Now around 3 in the afternoon. Just stopped beating myself up for last night and did some cleaning, planning etc for the week ahead. Starting tomorrow I am going to act as if being sober and getting healthy is my only job. Lots of structure and plans so I will not wallow. I have truly had it, I am going to lose this booze weight and never have a chance to get it back because I am quitting for good. It is time to go toward goals instead of sabotaging them.

[rubywillow]

Ashamed to admit

Message sent, hon.

[Nichau]

Ashamed to admit

Hey ATL,

I told my husband, finally, that I had been hiding it from him. Oh, he knew I drank, heck, we're BOTH alcoholics, but it (meaning *I*) really beats me up mentally. Guilty, guilty...so guilty. So one day, drunk and depressed, I 'fessed up. Told him what he saw me drink wasn't really how much drank. Tears and a box of tissue later, he said he understood and still loved me. I'm glad you've got a plan...you sound like you're on the right track. (Hugs from Kalamazoo!)

[rubywillow]

Ashamed to admit

Nich, good for you. Sounds like you have some good support there. Work, and learn, together.
I wnet to rehab several years ago, a very good experience for me, a life saver. The night before we left, Hubs and I sat out on our steps, and he held my hand, asked me to pray with him. He's not an overtly spiritual man, not at all demonstative. But that one act let me know volumes about his love and concern.

[ATLThrash]

Ashamed to admit

Thanks all. I am really looking forward to a better life.

[BeanoC]

Ashamed to admit

ATL - How many days sober are you right now? The first 3 to 5 days are the hardest, in my opinion. You'll be amazed at how quickly you'll get used to it, and you'll be addicted to feeling good! Remember - you don't have anything to be ashamed of. Alcoholism is a disease. Curing it is a choice. Sounds to me like you've made that choice.

We are all here to support each other; the support I've gotten is what has kept me on track this long... and it's only been 2 weeks. But I feel better than I have in YEARS, and I'm not letting go of this. I have found that as time goes by, I think about it (drinking) less and less, and that is a good thing! The more we obsess about it the harder it can be. Just take a day at time!!

'Beano'

[ATLThrash]

Ashamed to admit

Beano--I am 2 days-- I drank Saturday night. I am at the beginning of many journeys now to accomplish my goals. I think it can happen this time. There is just no good reason to drink alcohol for me anymore. I'd like to enjoy the rest of my 40s and beyond-- 44 is still young, right? (hee)

[BeanoC]

Ashamed to admit

Yes, 44 is young... especially since I turn 48 in 3 months! LOL

I have stopped and started many times, never going more than about 10 days without drinking. Now, I am 15 days sober for the first time in about 12 years. It's really a matter of will, and of desire. Your body "gets rid" of its need for alcohol after about 3 weeks; maybe a bit more. After that, it's just a mental battle, whether we want to believe it or not. If we start to drink after several weeks of sobriety, it's because we wanted to, plain and simple. Obviously it's different for everybody, and I'm not a doctor, so I won't go into the specifics of detox and withdrawals, DT's, etc. It can be very severe for some people and even life threatening without medical attention if the DT's set in.

Hang in there, ATL, we're with ya! Don't give in to the demons. Be stronger than them. You ARE stronger than them!

[ATLThrash]

Ashamed to admit

Beano-- Whenever I have stopped drinking I have only had anxiety really the next day and maybe a shorter temper for a little while but nothing physical. When I first stopped for a while last year (I have not had the problem very long in the scheme of things thank God) I had terrible anxiety, I mean I thought I was losing it-- panic attack city. I did get some xanax for about a week-- but I am leery of benzos-- several years ago after a bad concussion I was put on one for sleep (restoril) I used i exactly as prescribed but I later found out the doc should not have prescribed it for so long. The concussion was severe and I needed to sleep a whole lot for my brain to heal and could not do it without the medication. After I quit taking it I had horrid withdrawl. I read Steven Tyler's book (Aerosmith) and he was saying he got hooked on xanax (also a benzo) and was told at rehab it was harder to kick that than heroin. I did not however taper like they recommend-- I just wanted it GONE-- sort of like I feel about AL now. Thanks for the kind words-- I am praying and planning to totally turn it around before I hit 45 in May!