My partner abused me for the first time. Help

[rebirth]

Hi folks. I could really do with everyone’s opinion on my problem.

I have been with my boyfriend for over two years and other than the odd argument, he has never been physically nor mentally abusive to me. He has been consistently loving and loyal and this year we were talking about getting engaged.

He met me when I use to be a heavy drinker and he stood by me through all my drunken debauchery, through all my wailing and crying when I was miserable because of my drinking etc. He was the only one who helped me change my drinking around .Just to point out that he drinks too but I describe him as a normal drinker.

But everything changed two weeks ago. He drank spirits for the first time and got extremely drunk and disorientated. I had never seen him in that state. He couldn’t walk in a straight line, he was dropping money etc.The evening was spolit. It was so difficult guiding him back home because he thought I was taking him in the wrong direction. There was alot of shouting between us and he shocked me by giving me a hard kick in the ribs. I yelped in pain. This action immediately sobered him up and he turned back into the man I knew. We walked home in silence.

So now this incident stands between us and it has changed the dynamics of our relationship.. He is shocked that he kicked me and I am shocked that he kicked me. We are both stunned. I feel very hurt and very betrayed as I never thought he was like that.
My partner is very upset and is willing to see a councillor, attend AA meetings, stop drinking or moderate drinking...basically whatever it takes to make sure he will never drink like that again.

Do I give him a second chance? Or is he now labelled an abusive partner and I should stay away?

[rubywillow]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Rebirth, a difficult situation, for sure. In my experience, history, no violence toward a woman is tolerated. And 99% of the time, I'd say never let it happen again. But given your situation at the time, maybe I would make it a point not to let it be the elephant in the room. Talk, and explain your feelings. DON'T let your guilt over you drinking, (as long as you weren't violent) be an excuse for him. In fact, nothing you do should excuse anything wrong someone else does. While we certainly interact with others, each person's actions are their own. But this should at the VERY least serve as a wake-up call for him. If you see the possibility of this happening again, run, don't walk, away. Your safety comes first. This is MHO, but I've seen too many contrite sober partners after they inflict damage. And in order to give him advice, if you choose to stay, you must be accountable for your actions. A mean drunk is dangerous. AL is dangerous. I don't know what you consider a 'normal' drinker. Do some research; include him in your findings. Be involved together in healing from this ugly event, and preventing it from ever happening again. If he's not willing to do that, he's just enabling your bad behavior, and not recognizing his own. You don't want, in a decade, to find yourself (and God forbid, children) dealing with abuse from anyone.
What you do is your decision. I abhor domestic violence, but I do recognize once it becomes the norm in a relationship, it becomes a trap. I, we, may be over-reacting to a once in a lifetime drama, but as someone older speaking, my own seen experience influences how I see this. Just be safe. And address YOUR drinking if you ever want to have a good, stable relationship without self-recriminations. Take care.

[Chillgirl]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Rebirth - My God, im so sorry you have had to go through this! :l

Lots of good advice from Rubes. This just reinforces to me what a dangerous and mind altering substance alcohol is and I wish it was irradicated from the planet. It sounds like spirits really messed with the chemical balance of your boyfriend's brain. I would only be prepared to continue this relationship if he never touches them every again. You love this man and know him well so I would say go deep in your heart and ask yourself if you can trust him again. Ask yourself honestly if this is completely out of character or whether you have ever seen glimpses of this behaviour before. If there is a single doubt in your mind you have to listen to it. I wish you much strength and love and Im so glad you came here to get the events out as I can imagine this will be difficult to discuss with friends who know you both.

[RingingCedars]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Hi Rebirth--hope you are ok. I would, as Ruby said, include research on his conduct in past relationships before going any further in this relationship. I've always said it takes two years for the real person to emerge and the timing of this incident falls within that time frame. I realize this may not be easy and may open up a whole new can of worms, but it could save you a lot of heartache and possibly your life. The nature of the lash out seems quite extreme to me. Please be careful and I hope the best for you.

[greeneyes]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Chillgirl;1167573 wrote: Rebirth - My God, im so sorry you have had to go through this! :l

Lots of good advice from Rubes. This just reinforces to me what a dangerous and mind altering substance alcohol is and I wish it was irradicated from the planet. It sounds like spirits really messed with the chemical balance of your boyfriend's brain. I would only be prepared to continue this relationship if he never touches them every again. You love this man and know him well so I would say go deep in your heart and ask yourself if you can trust him again. Ask yourself honestly if this is completely out of character or whether you have ever seen glimpses of this behaviour before. If there is a single doubt in your mind you have to listen to it. I wish you much strength and love and Im so glad you came here to get the events out as I can imagine this will be difficult to discuss with friends who know you both.

Well said.

[Guitarista]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Hiya RB.

The above responses are all pretty well spot on i reckon. But of course, you must do what you think is best. For me, violence to women and /or children is not acceptable. Think long and hard, as you are obviously doing. One question i have is why did he drink spirits to excess if he doesn't usually? Spirits especially whisky, is 'fightin fuel' as we call it here. If i want to get trashed, there is usually a reason in there somewhere. Is this reason/reason's still active within him? I don't mean to 'character assassinate' the bloke, but we are here for you firstly.

Do what you think is best RB.

Take care, G-bloke.

[rebirth]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Ruby, Chill and RC- Bless you ladies and thank you for your advice. I will reflect on our past to see whether this anger I witnessed was silently waiting to come out.

I am not seeing him for a while just to get some space on this situation. And yes, Alcohol sucks big time!

[rebirth]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Mr G-We were on holiday and he was drinking rum punches all day. I warned him that they put double shots in those glasses but the sugar concealed it I guess. He drank them like it was fruit punch. The rum clearly took over and he lost his senses. Bit like a teenager on their first bingeing session...

[Guitarista]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

rebirth;1167610 wrote: Mr G-We were on holiday and he was drinking rum punches all day. I warned him that they put double shots in those glasses but the sugar concealed it I guess. He drank them like it was fruit punch. The rum clearly took over and he lost his senses. Bit like a teenager on their first bingeing session...

You just take care of yourself friend. Hope you and your young one are well. Holidays?! You've reminded me. Must book some in here!

See ya.

[rebirth]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Mr G you are lucky to live in Australia. It has everything. x

[greeneyes]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

rebirth;1167607 wrote: R I will reflect on our past to see whether this anger I witnessed was silently waiting to come out.

That's really scary, rebirth. While you wouldn't want to walk out on your mate who is otherwise wonderful, is this an aspect that hadn't presented itself and is present or some bizzare isolated alcohol induced incident. Those don't define us. Soul searching in your own space seems to be the best course of action. I wish you a peaceful resolution. :l

[Guitarista]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

rebirth;1167617 wrote: Mr G you are lucky to live in Australia. It has everything. x

Well, yeah. It is a pretty magical land. I love Europe too.

When are you coming to visit?

[rebirth]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Thank you greenie. :lThis is really hard for me. I burst into tears a minute ago feeling dreadfully sad. But I wont be reaching for that bottle tonight. it's not worth it.

G-I was in Australia about eight years ago. We could have passed each other on the street!

[Guitarista]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

rebirth;1167647 wrote: Thank you greenie. :lThis is really hard for me. I burst into tears a minute ago feeling dreadfully sad. But I wont be reaching for that bottle tonight. it's not worth it.

G-I was in Australia about eight years ago. We could have passed each other on the street!

Ah! Maybe. Take care mate. Off to bed here.

[Guitarista]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Never forget why you stopped and halted the alcohol abuse.