My partner abused me for the first time. Help

[RingingCedars]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Rebirth I can very well imagine the whack of emotions you are having right now. I've been in a similar place and I did call an ex girlfriend. I was nervous as hell making that call, feeling like a nosy fool I guess, but she was very kind and solidly confirmed my concern and fear as valid and told me to run, don't walk and don't ever look back. It didn't quite end with that with this young man but I never gave him another chance to harm me and I've not much doubt that it would have eventually happened. I sincerely hope this all works out best for you and your son. xo

[shueaddict]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Hi Rebirth,

My family elders have "beaten" it into me since early age that once you get as much as a slap or push from your man you must walk away. At 22 I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship - that lead me to leave my country and settle elsewhere (OK, dramatic, but I was very young, willful and NOT married). Now I have a child and I cannot contemplate taking another decision like this so easily.

I also have issues with AL ... and many other of my male friends too- but none of them gets violent, despite horrendous drunken fights with their wives or GFs or even fights between themselves. It's a big red flag !!! AL removes your inhibitions so this behavior must be in him.

Involuntarily, by accident - he could have fallen over you, puked over you or do other terrible things people do while drunk. But he could not HIT you by accident. That thought originates in the brain, not the fist.

As someone said before, do not let your guilt trap you.

It’s easy to say all this from a distance, but trust me, it is still early … you still have time and options. Marriage, children, mortgages and many more years invested in a man you love will make sure if this happens again in 15 years you will be truly trapped.

[rebirth]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

RC and Shue- I think the general opnion is that I should end this relationship. I am really sad about this. But is it not fair to give him a second chance?

What about all of us who have acted terribly on drink but felt grateful that their partners gave them a second chance.

Oh hell. I just dont know what to think. Sorry to be such a wet blanket but I am so confused right now.
x

[mario]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Hi rebirth so sorry that this happened to you,

Ok.... I was an abusive man to my partner & to everyone else around me at the time,looking back even now it is embarrassing and shameful and wrong, My partner gave me about 3 chances and i promised after each episode that i would change that I would control my drink etc etc, I did for a while but then eventually slipped back into my old horrible ways,Anyway eventually she had enough and separated from me.The reason i am telling you this is imo The only way i can see you going forward is if your partner does go to counseling,does go to AA and or some group similar and deals with going on inside of him.I think he should stop drinking for a while,a month,2 months ??,Give each other some space to gather all your thoughts,and keep posting here as there are great people here who can advise and help.Cant really add much more than what the other posters says but i do know that it will take you a long time to ever trust him again,wishing you all the best rebirth .

[mario]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Ps I am now back with my partner since i stopped drinking and everything is going very well indeed.

[RingingCedars]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Well done Mario:l Thank you for sharing and giving the perspective of one who has been there and what it takes to leave there and start over after the work has been done. I am proud of you.

[rebirth]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Mario - I really appreciated your honesty and I am so glad that your relationship is going strong! It gives me a bit of hope in this dreadful situation.I use to hear many stories in AA of partners forgiving their alcoholic partners and giving them second/third chances. But how successful the outcome was for them I dont know.

Hi Zenstyle- Thats exactly what I have been doing. The relationship is currently on hold and I am having a break away from him.It's better this way because my emotions are all over the shop. I want to scream at him,and at the same time I want to hold him as I also know he is in tremendous pain.

Anyway, He has just text me and told me that he has made contact with an organisation that deals with alcohol abuse and he has booked an appointment. I have also told him that he is to never touch spirits nor get drunk again in anyone's company ever.


I am going to keep everyone updated as I think it's important that I seek advice here. It helps me alot to process my thoughts.

Bless you all. x

[DriftyAlison0]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

rebirth;1167509 wrote: Hi folks. I could really do with everyone?s opinion on my problem.

I have been with my boyfriend for over two years and other than the odd argument, he has never been physically nor mentally abusive to me. He has been consistently loving and loyal and this year we were talking about getting engaged.

He met me when I use to be a heavy drinker and he stood by me through all my drunken debauchery, through all my wailing and crying when I was miserable because of my drinking etc. He was the only one who helped me change my drinking around .Just to point out that he drinks too but I describe him as a normal drinker.

But everything changed two weeks ago. He drank spirits for the first time and got extremely drunk and disorientated. I had never seen him in that state. He couldn?t walk in a straight line, he was dropping money etc.The evening was spolit. It was so difficult guiding him back home because he thought I was taking him in the wrong direction. There was alot of shouting between us and he shocked me by giving me a hard kick in the ribs. I yelped in pain. This action immediately sobered him up and he turned back into the man I knew. We walked home in silence.

So now this incident stands between us and it has changed the dynamics of our relationship.. He is shocked that he kicked me and I am shocked that he kicked me. We are both stunned. I feel very hurt and very betrayed as I never thought he was like that.
My partner is very upset and is willing to see a councillor, attend AA meetings, stop drinking or moderate drinking...basically whatever it takes to make sure he will never drink like that again.

Do I give him a second chance? Or is he now labelled an abusive partner and I should stay away?

I am all for second chances. I would give it to him and watch to make sure it doesn't happen again.

[Doggygirl]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Rebirth, I am so sorry this happened to you. So much great feedback already given. I think you are wise to take some time and space to think about it. I hope you will really consider what role you want alcohol to play in your own life and that of your loved ones. I often think of the "AAism" that goes something like this...

"Bad things didn't happen every time I drank, but every time bad things happened, drinking was involved."

When I look back on my own marriage and the times we had arguments and strife (never physical) and drinking / pot were always involved. There was one incident that almost got physical, and it scared both of us into wanting abstinence more than we wanted....whatever positives we thought we were getting from booze/pot. Since we have both been abstinent, we rarely argue and have never had any issues like we did when drinking/smoking.

This is not to say that removal of alcohol is going to solve every relationship problem. It's just to say that alcohol/drugs introduce a volatility into situations that is not there in sober situations.

Anyway...those are the things I thought about when deciding that I wanted AF for me and also for my marriage.

All the best to you and your son - that is the important part!

DG

[MissHazel]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Abusive partners

Hi Rebirth,

I read your post and it brought back memories for me (many years ago) of being abused by a very loving man (most of the time) who also was great the majority of time, but not so much when he drank too much:

I will simply recount my experiences:
Time #1 - strangled me for so long I couldn't speak and vomited once I was able to get my throat reflexes back
Time #2 - same as time #1
Time #3 - same as time #1 and #2
Time #4 - took it to a new level and hit me in my kidneys many times..I had blood in my urine for 2 weeks...was in the hospital.

I know how much you want to forgive and forget, and maybe you can forgive him, but I hope you never forget.

I am the first to admit that I have had way too much to drink on way too many occasions, however I have never hit or physically abused anyone...so I don't believe drinking is an excuse.

I hope that you will NEVER EVER tolerate physical abuse again. You don't deserve it!!

MissH

[Guitarista]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Hiya RB, and viewer's,

Geez, fantastic feedback from everyone who posted. I come away a richer man.

I would just add and re-inforce, it's up to you RB, as to what you decide. Follow your bliss.

Best wishes to you. G-bloke.

[rubywillow]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Maybe the old adage is true - 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'. I have a very hard time commenting about violence, since it's not been my experience. But I have seen it enough, outside my life. It seems, if it happens, what the future holds depends completely on the people involved. He's doing the right things, right now. If you choose to remain, hold him true to this path.

[rebirth]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Zen and Drifty- Thank you for your comments. X

DG- Your posts always makes sense to me. You are so wise. I am currently moderating successfully but I am still in the company of drunks and binge drinkers. Not good. After this incident I can see the beauty of being around AF company. I am so tired of how alcohol still affects my life. The chaos is not worth it.
There is no shadow of a doubt that I will permanently abstain in the future..and my current/future partner will be the same!

Gosh missH- I shuddered when I read your post.Poor you! I am so glad you are out of this relationship but I can see how easy it was to stay in it. So have you chosen a better partner this time? I will never forget what my partner did to me. Never.It was on my fortieth birthday. My night was spoilt and it will remain a bad memory for the rest of my life.

Ruby- I totally agree. If I give him a second chance then it’s all my doing. I really don’t know how this is going to work though..I am still sitting on the fence as to whether I should take him back or not.


Great start to my fortieth eh! Oh well. At least I am not drinking on it. Could be worse

[Doggygirl]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

I wish you well rebirth. I think you are wise to look at not only this specific incident, but also the bigger picture of your life and how you want it to be.

:l

DG

[Lavande]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Sending you hugs rebirth :l:l

Whatever you do, make sure you & your boy are safe! Don't let him witness a possible fuure assault

Will be thinkig of you!

Lav