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    #46
    My partner abused me for the first time. Help

    For the single folk- How do you deal with boredom and loneliness? What do you do when you think you will be single for the rest of your life and never share it with a soul mate?
    Be strong-
    We define ourselves by the best that is in us, not the worse that has been done to us.
    Be constructive. Clear the word of CAN'T

    Comment

      #47
      My partner abused me for the first time. Help

      rebirth;1169079 wrote: Thank you all for comments. Means alot to me.

      RC and Chill- I am very worried about this meeting. It's going to be really emotional..seeing his sadness in his eyes. I still care for him very deeply.

      But I cant get out of it because it's only fair to talk in person. We will not have seen each other in three weeks and we have only been texting. I think it's very disrespectful to dump someone by text.
      Hiya RB.

      Yep, i agree. Face to face is the way, as long as you feel safe doing so. Good luck.

      'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

      Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

      Comment

        #48
        My partner abused me for the first time. Help

        Rebirth, I understand wanting to be fair, but under the circumstances, I would carefully consider what is fair to you first. Normally, I would agree with face to face, but this is not under normal conditions. Trauma bonding can be so subtle yet powerful. Sending you strength, whatever your choice.

        As for single, now and possibly forever? I'm still working that one out. I can tell you, I sleep with lots of pillows and sometimes, um ....
        Psalms 119:45


        ?Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.?

        St. Francis of Assisi



        I'm not perfect, never will be, but better than I was and not as good as I'm going to be.

        :rays:

        Comment

          #49
          My partner abused me for the first time. Help

          rebirth;1169084 wrote: For the single folk- How do you deal with boredom and loneliness? What do you do when you think you will be single for the rest of your life and never share it with a soul mate?
          RB,

          That's no attitude to have! Well, not in my head. I'm single, but always hopeful and optimistic. For me, i've realised that the best thing i can do under these single circumstances is put myself out there, not isolate, and do what i love. Follow my bliss. Still searching, :H but i reckon it's the way to go for me. Chill, and carry on with a positive mindset friend.

          'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

          Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

          Comment

            #50
            My partner abused me for the first time. Help

            Rebirth - After 18 years in a relationship I have been single for 3.5 years. At 1st the thought terrifed me, I hadnt been alone since I was 23 and didnt know how to fuction other than being a couple. I deliberately stayed single for the 1st year and dated nobody, I wanted to work on myself without any outside influences. I ended up loving it!

            Then in my 1st year going AF I really couldnt have coped with anyone as I needed to be selfishly focused on me and my sobriety. Since then I thought I was really ready for a relationship and actively seeked one. I met a wonderful man who I cant honestly fault in any way. However Im finding I miss the "me" time so much and am seriously considering giving up men with the same passion as I gave up AL! :H I can honestly say I am NEVER bored or lonely and love just hanging out with my dog, my chill music and my books..... bliss!

            Anyway, enjoy your alone time, use it to do exactly what you feel like doing cause it might be your only chance you get before finding yourself in another commited relationship.
            "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer ."
            AF - JAN 1st 2010
            NF - May 1996

            Comment

              #51
              My partner abused me for the first time. Help

              Hi Rebirth. I think you ask a very important question.

              For my whole life really, I always felt I was "missing something" and I always thought "it" was to be found in a relationship. This "something missing" just kept following me around whether I was in or out of relationships and even married. I am NOT knocking the value of a great relationship in my life, and am blessed to have the husband I do who accepts me with all my warts as I accept him with all his warts. (although please don't shatter his illusion of personal perfection :H:H).

              I truly believe that it was ME all along that needed the work. The hole inside of me that was bothering me with varying levels of intensity all that time CANNOT be filled by another person. I have to fill it with love and passion for life, and finding and engaging in those activities that truly bring out the best in me. I of course could do none of that personal searching while I was drunk most of the time. But even after sobering up it has taken a lot of work to figure this out. There is so much joy in finding my passions, but that takes a lot of work too!

              I just wonder if what you are looking for is something that at least in part, is something that cannot be filled by a man in a relationship.

              DG
              Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
              Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

              One day at a time.

              Comment

                #52
                My partner abused me for the first time. Help

                Doggygirl;1169171 wrote: Hi Rebirth. I think you ask a very important question.

                For my whole life really, I always felt I was "missing something" and I always thought "it" was to be found in a relationship. This "something missing" just kept following me around whether I was in or out of relationships and even married. I am NOT knocking the value of a great relationship in my life, and am blessed to have the husband I do who accepts me with all my warts as I accept him with all his warts. (although please don't shatter his illusion of personal perfection :H:H).

                I truly believe that it was ME all along that needed the work. The hole inside of me that was bothering me with varying levels of intensity all that time CANNOT be filled by another person. I have to fill it with love and passion for life, and finding and engaging in those activities that truly bring out the best in me. I of course could do none of that personal searching while I was drunk most of the time. But even after sobering up it has taken a lot of work to figure this out. There is so much joy in finding my passions, but that takes a lot of work too!

                I just wonder if what you are looking for is something that at least in part, is something that cannot be filled by a man in a relationship.

                DG

                Chill, DG,
                It took me so long                 to 'GET' this but you are spot on!

                LL
                The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.

                *Don't look where you fall, look why you slipped*

                Comment

                  #53
                  My partner abused me for the first time. Help

                  me too LL and what a beautiful moment when i finally got it!

                  I thought I was looking for someone to complete me when all along I needed to complete me. I had already started working on this when I went AF and for me that was the icing on the cake. I completely agree with DG, that special wholeness cannot be found in a relationship outside ourselves.
                  "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer ."
                  AF - JAN 1st 2010
                  NF - May 1996

                  Comment

                    #54
                    My partner abused me for the first time. Help

                    Oh I LOVE you guys! :h:h:h

                    What thought provoking, inspiring comments to my question! I felt so empowered reading your posts..from sleeping with pillows and sometimes?um?, to using this time to focus on self discovery.

                    I am going to print these out and use them as a bookmark.

                    Man I feel good tonight. Thank you. xx
                    Be strong-
                    We define ourselves by the best that is in us, not the worse that has been done to us.
                    Be constructive. Clear the word of CAN'T

                    Comment

                      #55
                      My partner abused me for the first time. Help

                      :l:h:h:l You deserve the very special peace that comes from being totally content with yourself. And sleeping with a pillow is awesome while you look for it! :H

                      DG
                      Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
                      Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07

                      One day at a time.

                      Comment

                        #56
                        My partner abused me for the first time. Help

                        Doggygirl;1169286 wrote: :l:h:h:l You deserve the very special peace that comes from being totally content with yourself.
                        Totally agree.
                        And sleeping with a pillow is awesome while you look for it! :H
                        What you mean DG?
                        DG
                        Rebirth I really admire your honesty and ability to ask for help. So glad you're feeling great!
                        Psalms 119:45


                        ?Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.?

                        St. Francis of Assisi



                        I'm not perfect, never will be, but better than I was and not as good as I'm going to be.

                        :rays:

                        Comment

                          #57
                          My partner abused me for the first time. Help

                          Rebirth - Its great to see this thread take a postitive turn. Im so grateful to the wisdom on MWO. There isnt a situation in the world that I wouldnt trust you guys to give the best advice on.

                          Last night I had the snoring boyfriend and im already looking forward to sunday night alone back under my beautiful white goose down duvet, my alsortment of pillows and a good book!
                          "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer ."
                          AF - JAN 1st 2010
                          NF - May 1996

                          Comment

                            #58
                            My partner abused me for the first time. Help

                            Chillgirl;1169589 wrote: Rebirth - Its great to see this thread take a postitive turn. Im so grateful to the wisdom on MWO. There isnt a situation in the world that I wouldnt trust you guys to give the best advice on.

                            Last night I had the snoring boyfriend and im already looking forward to sunday night alone back under my beautiful white goose down duvet, my alsortment of pillows and a good book!
                            What a lovely thing to say Chilli. Can I have the snoring boyfriend just for Sunday night>:H
                            Psalms 119:45


                            ?Start by doing what is necessary, then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.?

                            St. Francis of Assisi



                            I'm not perfect, never will be, but better than I was and not as good as I'm going to be.

                            :rays:

                            Comment

                              #59
                              My partner abused me for the first time. Help

                              RingingCedars;1169614 wrote: What a lovely thing to say Chilli. Can I have the snoring boyfriend just for Sunday night>:H
                              he's all yours
                              "In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer ."
                              AF - JAN 1st 2010
                              NF - May 1996

                              Comment

                                #60
                                My partner abused me for the first time. Help

                                Just updating:

                                Had an emotional telephone call with the ex today and I stuck to my guns. He did point out that he did not think it was fair that I was not giving him a second chance. He said that he had to carry me home every weekend in the first year of our relationship. He also said that I would fall asleep sunday afternoons and he ended up looking after my son on many weekends. And he stuck by me he said. But he just had one bad incident and I ended it he said.

                                That is true as I was drinking very alcoholically when I first met him but I dont think it compares to what he did to me? Or am I wrong?

                                I am a bit confused but I still wont be taking him back.
                                Be strong-
                                We define ourselves by the best that is in us, not the worse that has been done to us.
                                Be constructive. Clear the word of CAN'T

                                Comment

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