My partner abused me for the first time. Help

[Guitarista]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

rebirth;1170853 wrote: Just updating:

Had an emotional telephone call with the ex today and I stuck to my guns. He did point out that he did not think it was fair that I was not giving him a second chance. He said that he had to carry me home every weekend in the first year of our relationship. He also said that I would fall asleep sunday afternoons and he ended up looking after my son on many weekends. And he stuck by me he said. But he just had one bad incident and I ended it he said.

That is true as I was drinking very alcoholically when I first met him but I dont think it compares to what he did to me? Or am I wrong?

I am a bit confused but I still wont be taking him back.

Hi RB,

The other's here are more spot on with their relationship thought's i reckon, but i would just say that still, there is no excuse for violence. Maybe remember why you've made this decision, and listen to your head.

All the best with it, and hope you're doing okay.

G-bloke.

[mario]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

rebirth;1170853 wrote: Just updating:

Had an emotional telephone call with the ex today and I stuck to my guns. He did point out that he did not think it was fair that I was not giving him a second chance. He said that he had to carry me home every weekend in the first year of our relationship. He also said that I would fall asleep sunday afternoons and he ended up looking after my son on many weekends. And he stuck by me he said. But he just had one bad incident and I ended it he said.

That is true as I was drinking very alcoholically when I first met him but I don't think it compares to what he did to me? Or am I wrong?

I am a bit confused but I still wont be taking him back.

Rebirth we all make mistakes in life some of us learn from them some of us don't, Your ex supported you when you did stupid mistakes through alcohol and he stuck by you, He has now done a horrible stupid mistake and is asking for the same sort of forgiveness and for you to help him overcome his, We who have had alcohol abuse problems should imo no better than anybody else what it can do to ones mind & body,If he is willing to go to counseling and AA or some support group similar than why cant you give him that one chance, Only you know rebirth is he really worth that chance. with respect mario .

[ATLThrash]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Rebirth-- I agree with whatever you want to do since you know your partner better than any of us-- but I will say that Mario has a point also. I am not sure how you were when drinking to excess but I know that it can be just as painful as any other type of abuse of our significant others. If you do not think that your ex can change or that you can forgive him certainly do not let him guilt you to letting him have another chance. Only you can decide if it is worth it but it sounds as if this man was good to you in the past and that you really loved him. I do not want you to get hurt in any way but you are probably hurting now as well from the loss. There would have to be some clear parameters of course to embark on rebuilding the relationship but if you think you cna adhere to them and that he is worth it-- go for it. Good luck

[Chillgirl]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Rebirth - Great replies from the guys above. What I was wondering is "why" are you not giving him another change? Is it because you don't believe this will not happen again? If this is the reason then of course you are wise not to be with him.

I'm sure it's not because you can't find forgiveness in your heart, forgiveness is something we give to ourselves otherwise it eats us up. So I'm curious as to the "why". Only you truly know the reason and in there lies your answer.

[rebirth]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

The reason I am reluctant to give him another chance is because this has happened to me before by a previous boyfriend.
The last one physically hurt me three times in a space of two years when he got drunk.He said the same thing that he would stop drinking, get councelling etc. But he never did and I allowed it. But that was before my AA days and I didnt have the wisdom to deal with these issues.

I vowed to myself that I will not allow it to happen to me again...and it has. So this time I could put my foot down and tell him to go to AA meetings, stop drinking etc. All of this he is willing to do. But it's me.

I feel bitter because I started a relationship with this man because he hardly drank. I felt safe with him.... I feel betrayed in a way because I thought I knew him.

But Mario you are right in some ways....

I am so confused and miserable now .

[RingingCedars]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Rebirth, forgiving does not mean giving up healthy boundaries, nor does it mean you have to take him back immediately. If he is willing to do the work, then let him and support him even, but from a distance, I think. But that is only what I think. As many have said, this is ultimately your decision.

[RingingCedars]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Also, I think he is trying to engage you in co-dependency by bringing up your behaviour from the past. I too am very cautious as I've been there. Once again, I would err on the side of caution and I would still look into his past relationships. I sincerely hope he gets counseling for anger and explores his relational style and that you can get back to the loving relationship you had and desire and deserve.

[rebirth]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Hi RC
I havnt met any of his past girlfriends but met many of his friends and family. He is very much loved by them all....

[momof3]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

rebirth;1171136 wrote: The reason I am reluctant to give him another chance is because this has happened to me before by a previous boyfriend.
The last one physically hurt me three times in a space of two years when he got drunk.He said the same thing that he would stop drinking, get councelling etc. But he never did and I allowed it. But that was before my AA days and I didnt have the wisdom to deal with these issues.

I vowed to myself that I will not allow it to happen to me again...and it has. So this time I could put my foot down and tell him to go to AA meetings, stop drinking etc. All of this he is willing to do. But it's me.

I feel bitter because I started a relationship with this man because he hardly drank. I felt safe with him.... I feel betrayed in a way because I thought I knew him.

But Mario you are right in some ways....

I am so confused and miserable now .

Rebirth,

I have read through your posts and all of the incredibly wise replies. What an amazing group of people.

I think that you have answered your own questions here. You say that this is the second relationship where a man has become physically violent. You also have expressed worry over being single and not in a committed relationship. Maybe it is time for you to develop a relationship with yourself before you continue with this relationship or get into another one. I get the sense that things are a bit out of control for you right now. It might be time to hunker down, regroup, and get to know yourself better. I don't know you well but I read that there is a child in the picture here. I think you really need to take into account what is best for him too.

Much love to you and I am so touched by your openess and honesty.

M3:h

[fennel]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Rebirth, I know we are not that familiar with each other, but I feel that Mario has a point. People do things under the influence that they would never otherwise do. If your bf is willing to go AF and get counseling, maybe you might reconsider? Can you attend sessions with him? If he is willing, perhaps you can give it a chance. As R.C. says, you don't have to take him into your house immediately or make any real commitment again until he has shown you that he is serious. If he is not willing to amend his behaviour, well that's another story. Ultimately, you have to do what you feel is best for you, though.

Take care...:l

[MissHazel]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Second Chances

Hi Rebirth,
I have read all of the threads here and I love all of the different perspectives..we all speak from our own life experiences.

I believe in second chances too..if I didn't I wouldn't be sober right now. I really hope that you give yourself some time to explore your life as a single person. If your partner (ex-partner) is serious about changing than he will do it on his own. I am sure he did a lot of great things for you and your son, but he has to change on his own. I believe that if you go back now (without him doing any real work) then, on some level, he will believe that his violent behavior is "ok".
I like what Mario said because it took a separation for him to make changes..and he decided to make them!
I have learned from lots of counseling after my abuse that the only person I can take care of is me and my son...I am not responsible for my partner's behavior.

I think about you every day..

MissH
S

[rebirth]

My partner abused me for the first time. Help

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate it. xxxx