My last 3 days

[GratefulEm]

So, on Saturday night I went to our annual "barn" Christmas party. I drank a bottle of some wonderful chardonnay, because, well, it's Christmas and this Christmas is going to be very different from every one up until now in a painful way (because the war intruded into my life in a personal way) and because I just felt like drinking. Sunday I felt like hell warmed over. I swore off this stuff forever, took extra supps on Sunday, had one glass Sunday night and felt wonderful today. Thought: I'm on a roll - this is great, feeling so good. Took supps at noon on my 20 minute lunch break.
Then I had my last class of the day (teach psychology in high school). My problem student comes sauntering in 5 minutes late and starts talking in an extra loud voice about how someone had taken a shit
(excuse the language) in the sink in the boys room. He yelled to me. "so what's wrong with a person who does that - what mental disorder does he have?" (The other really nice, ordinary kids in my class are all crinigning.) He continues on about the sh-- in the sink. I go back to his desk and confront him and tell him to move his seat to near the door, sit down and be quiet. He tells me to say "please." I tell him to "move now!" He moves but mutters about the black kid being ostracized to the corner of the room. I FEEL AN OVERWHELMING URGE TO DRINK COME OVER ME. I CAN'T WAIT TO GET HOME AND HAVE THAT FIRST GLASS! Then the fleeting thought is gone and I settle in and teach the class. I recognized the urge, named it and it went away.
When I got home, husband was already drunk. Days like this I don't think I'll ever get past this madness.
I just had to write guys, because at moments like this I feel like my life is hard and I get no support. It goes deep -way back to childhood. But, hey, I'm 56 and you'd think I could get past some of this craziness by now. Am I just sabotaging myself? I feel that I've really lost my way in life. Sometimes, I think of suicide only because it would be easy and end the pain and I wouldn't have to ask anyone else to change. I could just walk into the Atlantic Ocean in the winter. I used to at least have some spiritual beliefs and went to church but I don't even have that now. Religion has only caused all the misery in this world. It's Christmas, and I feel absolutely no spirituality. I think that I've lived too long. Once I was a happy, optimistic person.
Now I feel beaten back and in a haze everyday sorta just slugging through life. Thanks for letting me just express where I'm at. It feels good to write it down. Em

[YoungAtHeart]

My last 3 days

Gosh, Em, I hardly know what to say, except that I can understand. I'm sorry that you had such a rough day and feel so abandoned in so many ways, by your faith, by your husband, etc. I can only say that I have felt very alone for long periods in my life too, and I think I can understand the feeling pretty well. I'm glad that you came on and posted it, and I'm glad that it felt good to write it down!

I felt that way back in the 90's when I was getting divorced and my ex had fled to Poland and I didn't have an address and could only contact him by e-mail or cell phone, and there was no guarantee he would respond. I didn't know whether or when he would send money (many times he didn't), and my daughter was 4 1/2 years old. Sometimes, when I was driving home from work, I would think how easy it would be to just crash my car into a tree. I couldn't do it, of course--I couldn't leave my daughter like that. But the feeling was so strong sometimes and would come over me without warning and completely unbidden!

I guess that I am sharing this and revealing this part of myself to let you know that I can understand the depth of the pain that you are in, and to tell you that you have support and caring.

It took courage to write something so very basic and raw, Em.

Take care,
Kathy:l

[xtexan]

My last 3 days

Em:

For what it's worth, you are not trapped there in that space you're in right now. You ARE NOT trapped.

It's hard to see a way out, when others seem to crush your spirit.

Please, look to see the TRUTH. Not that obnoxious kids truth, not your husbands truth, but YOUR truth.

Because you are here, the universe means for you to be here. I am not talking about religion, but the truth of the way things are. You are MEANT to be here. Try to connect with something that makes sense to you. For me, it is my little dogs. They are just as they are, the way they are meant to be.

When you find that something that makes sense, then start there. Please don't dwell on the things that frustrate you, and make you feel powerless. You are here for a REASON. That is the TRUTH.

We want you to be happy, and you can be. No pep talk, just the truth.

Neil

[southernbelle47]

My last 3 days

Yes Em, Sometimes life just sucks...........there are no other words for it.........Your son is in Iraq.......your husband is drunk(because he is in so much pain too) and your students are such children and have no idea of what life is really about. It JUST sucks......I agree and understand because that is the only thing I said all the way home from dropping off my son to go to Iraq. It sucks......
IT SUCKS!!!! Yell that at the top of your voice....

:h Nancy

[GratefulEm]

My last 3 days

Ya, I guess I just yearn for someone to take care of me for once in my life. That's a fantasy isn't it? There are no knights in shining armor, only needy men. It just hurts. As I said, I know it goes back to childhood and is a very deep and painful wound. I have no idea how to heal it. I have only been getting in touch with this recently. A good therapist perhaps? Thanks for responding. Em

[southernbelle47]

My last 3 days

Em,
We all yearn for that............someone to take care of us...some of us found out early in life that that doesn't happen in the real world....Our parents are imperfect and can't meet our every need....where do we look for security and help? Our parents are "but dust"........they are human after all.....we join with another person who we think will meet out needs.....they fail also .There must be something or someone MORE.......Cry out to Him..........He is waiting...Tell how mad you are .......how this is not fair.....tell Him........He can take it ...He wants to hear from you ...even if it means you have had it and are to the end of your rope!
:l :l :l :l

[YoungAtHeart]

My last 3 days

I know what you mean about wanting to be taken care of, Em. You can deal with this, you really can.

XOXOX,
Kathy

[C]

My last 3 days

Oh Dearest EM..

Damn..I wish I had the right words to click you out of this depression. but don' think I do..

1) "get no support" -- that is deep.. I think..you are right ..goes way back (It still agonizes me too..but intellectually I see it is about how much I give out..whatever..another topic..or just my karma...

2) What do you mean --"just sabotaging myself"?
3) Hello-- "lost your way in life" -- Who hasn't???
4) suicide -- ya -- who hasn't thought of it..and of course you GratefulEm DO NOT take the easy way out in life...you are a spiritual warrior & you know it.
5)Oh "spiritual beliefs" ..they come & go..ain't got nothin to do with religion or goin to church ..ya know...
6)And your spirit and innate knowledge of spiritual things is still intact-- don't cha' know
7)Yep -- I can dig it... I also feel that I have lived long enough . This life has tired me out. Thank God there are more -- or no more...(wish)
8) 'Beaten back', 'in a haze',' just struggling through life'-- You are simply in the desert, my Dear, ironically perhaps with your son. That is it. The long forty days, fortnight in hell, will end. That is the way with life, with God's children..

Oh gosh... keep on writing here Em. You are going to be OK! I send my angels & prayers to you & Donny again tonight.

Hang in...!!!

PS. Oh yes, aww our husband..try to forgive ..
if you can you know ....all the pain

All meaningless words.. my dear -- just to say I think-- I love you as a fellow sojourner, fellow mother, my fellow sister...Much Love Chrysa

PS .. I wish so much we could get together
I will PM you with data

[Popeye]

My last 3 days

Em
I feel qualified to contribute here. I have been married for 24 years . My wife is a lovely girl who has never done anything to hurt me on purpose. There was a period, about twelve years ago, when we went through some kind of crisis. I was constantly drunk and in some darker moments, I felt that life was getting the better of me. I used to lie in bed contemplating just leaving, just getting up, getting dressed and going. I was making her life a misery, and I was feeling trapped in a world that would never change. Life was over for me. Nothing different was ever going to happen to relieve the endless drudgery that was my life. I felt, often, that it would be better for everyone, including my 2 youngsters, if I "disappeared". Looking back, I don't know how I could have had such destructive ideas, but they seemed perfectly rational at the time. I did consider suicide, not the act itself but it's consequences, and in the end I couldn't do that to my family. This period of my life took a long time for me to get over, but very gradually as I grew older, I realised that for most people, life is the same to some degree. We just have to make the best of it.
A friend of mine once told me...'life's a bitch...and then you die'...It seemed that way for a long time, but it does get better.
I'm sorry if this sounds too depressing, I didn't mean it to. I wanted to say somthing uplifting and cheerful, but it's too early in the morning.
I'm rambling a bit now. Thanks for your post.
I really hope you have a better day today

[irishlady]

My last 3 days

Em, my heart goes out to you in your pain....I to can relate to the childhood thing, I'm 59, and sometimes when I visit my childhood in my mind to try and find answers for the adult me, well the pain is unbearable at times, but it's something I have to do to progress on this journey...I am in agreement with you about religion as well, the man made variety, man does despicable things in the name of religion, and so many use the name of God to cover their acts of darkness......For me, I believe in a Supreme Order of Being, spiritual, rather then religious, yet still called, for want of a better name, God.....It does help sometimes to talk to to him, and as Southernbelle said in her post.....Talk to him....Cry out to him......He will listen. I had a look for something for you on the internet and came up with the following, I know it won't take it all away from you, but sometimes just knowing someone, a stranger, has listened and responded brings some comfort.......

Just close your eyes and open your heart,
And feel your worries and cares depart.

Just yield yourself to the Father above,
And let him hold you secure in His love.

For life on earth grows more involved,
With endless problems that can't be solved.

But God only asks us to do our best,
Then He will take over and do the rest.

So when you are tired, discouraged and blue,
There is always one door that is open to you.

And that is the door to The House of Prayer,
And you'll find God waiting to meet you there.

AND THE HOUSE OF PRAYER IS NO FURTHER AWAY
THAN THE QUIET SPOT WHERE YOU KNEEL AND PRAY.

For the heart is a temple when God is there,
As we place ourselves in his tender care.

And He hears every prayer and answers each one,
When we Pray in His name--They will be done.

The burdens that seemed too heavy to bear,
are lifted away on the wings of a prayer.

By.....HELEN STEINER RICE.

[southernbelle47]

My last 3 days

Have you ever flown over the storm?


Sorry guys.this would not copy. (
Nancy

[fsophiah]

My last 3 days

Em, your actual circumstances are grim. Not only grim, but global. Right now, you are making it from day to day, and that's a unique circumstance that, I think, needs to be addressed in a unique way. You were right that naming something gives you some power over it. You have named this. You have said you need support. You do. You need a therapist. You need the best therapist in town. You may also need some relaxation and pampering. What occurred to me as I read your post was that I wish we could take up a collection and send you on a shopping trip or to a week-long spa. I keep forgetting that virtual has its limitations. But you do have my permission to take care of yourself. You teach psychology. You know what you need to do. Do it. Love, love, love, Sophie

[vinophile]

My last 3 days

Em,
My heart goes out to you.
I just finished a book called "The Missing Peace". I found it very helpful. It's about finding the inner peace and contentment that so many of us are looking for. When one has a day such as the one you had yesterday, it seems as if we will never find any respite from the pain we are feeling. We have to learn to calm ourselves from the turmoil that goes on around us and over which we have no control. I found the book in Barnes and Nobles outside of Boston. I would be happy to send it to you if you can't find it.
Hoping that the rest of your week is better. If there is anything else I can do please PM me.

Janet

[Newyear]

My last 3 days

Em - so sorry for all your troubles. Things will change though. I know it doesn't seem like it. How could it? It's like when you have the flu and forget what it feels like to feel well.
It does not seem like anything will change. But it will. My mother used to say - 'even if you just sit on the sidewalk and don't do anything - your life will still change'
Trust that you will have better days. Trust that you will have a day that you laugh so hard your stomach hurts. I know it does not seem possible, but it is, and you will.
I'm glad you posted here and expressed how you were feeling. Lots of people here care about you.
Hope you sleep well.
:l Lisa

[weemelonhead]

My last 3 days

Hi Em...look, I'm not good with the words, and you have had some great posts here today. You really sound as though you're in a dark place, with no way out apparently in sight....You may have done this already, but if not, tune into Mikes thread on 'capitalising on your circumstances'...I've just read it, and the things that Mike, Neil and others had to say were so poignant and meaningful to me. If I could write...that is what I would want to say to you.........there is always something...however small a starting point, that you may be able to use to help start the shift from 'life is a no hoper' to weeeellllll...there just may be something......Thinking of you ..............many hugs, Melon