Seeking Advice: Marriage or Sobriety???

[sami]

Good news is that I have been sober for 5 weeks. That's the longest I've been sober for almost 10 years. August 2 I visited a treatment center to get a prescription for campral, but they wouldn't give me any meds or outpatient treatment until I did a de-tox. I went AWOL that afternoon, but checked myself in the next morning, thinking "it's now or never." As the intake clerk asked me about relapses, we realized at the same time that relapse had never been a possibility for me before....b/c I hadn't been sober long enough!

Background info: I married (2nd husband) almost 10 years ago. He and his family thoroughly enjoyed alcohol. I loved that about them, because I had never made alcohol a part of my lifestyle and I thought it was wonderful! In fact, I didn't even start drinking until I was almost 40. Marriage certainly had ups and downs, but I thought we had made it through and at this point in my life did not want to start over.

About 8 weeks ago he moved three hours to be closer to his family. He has a great job there, living in the city (which he loves), and we had thought we could have a long distance relationship. But it's been harder than we thought. And then I went into detox. I've tried to talk to him many times over the years about my drinking problem, and sometimes he would agree that he thought I had a problem, but he kept going back to, "You just need to stop after one or two." Uh-huh. The weekend after my "de-tox vacation" we were to meet somewhere to celebrate my 50th birthday. I asked him if he could go the weekend without drinking b/c I was very much afraid that I would drink with him. He said, "I think I can." That wasn't good enough for me, so we didn't meet. Haven't seen him since. I know that I've been sending him mixed messages about whether or not I even want him to come here on weekends, but it's been an emotional roller coaster, I started a new job in July which I am not really qualified for and find enormously stressful, I'm trying to maintain a small acreage (when I've always kinda been a city girl----but moved her to be next to terminally ill mother and "save the family farm.")

Last week he started paperwork for divorce. Neither of us think this long distance thing is working, but he tells me that I can still move there with him and wouldn't have to work. Well, I loooove the idea of not working for the first time in my life, but I am very, very concerned that I will not be able to stay sober when he drinks nightly, goes out often with his family to places decided upon based on their drink specials that night, etc. Part of me wants THAT lifestyle very much!

But if I move there, I'm moving away from my ill mother, my extremely supportive family (I have truly enoyed re-discovering how much fun my three sisters, brother, and their families are!), and my three children (two of which are expecting my first grandchildren.)

I am scared to death about the future. My financial security was in my husband. My finances are now shot (largely b/c of the foreclosure of the house I bought when we first married), and I really need financial security.

Long story and lots of details (sorry!) but I guess my basic question that my ever-so-wise friends on this site can help me with is this: DO YOU KNOW OF ANY RECOVERING ALCOHOLICS WHO HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFUL IN SOBRIETY WHILE STAYING IN PRIMARY RELATIONSHIPS WHERE SPOUSE CONTINUES TO DRINK?

Hmmm.....I probably could have said that more succinctly.

I so appreciate any responses!

[rubywillow]

Seeking Advice: Marriage or Sobriety???

Sami, this is indeed a tangled webb. But, in the long run, it's not about him, your family, working, financial issues. It's about you. You have to decide what you love more, yourself or AL. My advice, of course, would be to get yourself completely sober. You are in an enabling relationship, obviously. Do you want to live and die with/because of AL? If you have a good relationship with your family, is it worth losing for someone who YOU said, moved away from you?
When I was in therapy we were asked to choose our top 10 things we couldn't survive without, then narrow to 5, then 3, then 1. I had an epiphany before I gave my final anwer; I couldn't live without myself. We are no good to anyone unless WE are ourselves, our best selves.'
This is your choice. You've asked for opinions, but you have to decide. I would say you need to consider the future, both ways, and what you lose and gain from each. The easiest way out of a situation may not be the best. Best of luck to you.

[sami]

Seeking Advice: Marriage or Sobriety???

Oh my goodness, Ruby, you are so wise! I could feel in my core (you know that feeling---sometimes in your gut, sometimes in a knot in your throat, sometimes in goosebumps) that says you're on to something important and true, but hard as hell----that your words were powerful. I love the epiphany you had about the one thing you couldn't live without----yourself. So basic, but so true. And lately, all I've wanted to do is die. This is too hard, sometimes, first drinking, and then facing problems (many of which were created from alcohol) without the cocoon of alcohol. But I'm the one thing I can't live without. And then I couldn't be of any value to my soon-to-be-born granddaughters, or my kids, or my mom, or anyone.
Thank you, Ruby.
By the way, I replied a bit earlier to your post on the dangers of vaseline. Out of curiousity I started reading, and found myself laughing out loud. Feels good to laugh! So thank you for the words of wisdom about life, as well as the insight into Vaseline. :thanks:

[mama bear]

Seeking Advice: Marriage or Sobriety???

Sami, Ruby is right.
My husband drinks and it was hard for me at first, but my friends told me to focus on ME not him. And that helped. But he never moved away or left me......and he won't drink if I ask him not too.
If you want some laughs come join our crazy family on the "Get your ass in Gear thread"
Best of luck to you

[Lavande]

Seeking Advice: Marriage or Sobriety???

sami,
You just can't predict the future, you can't control it either! Especially when others are involved.
I finally gathered up the fortitude to quit drinking when my grandson was born! I drank to numb my feelings about an emotionally absent husband. A full year after I quit drinking, I felt happy & proud of myself for the first time in a very long time. I enjoyed my new grandson as much as any first time grandma. Then my husband left - just walked away without a word of warning leaving me & our marriage of 37 years!!!!! Why? Because he is severely & chronically depressed & doesn't want to get better. He's pathetic but it's his choice.

I am now enjoying 3 grandkids, 2 great kids & not missing his chronic miserableness.
I have moments where I still wish he would pull his head out of his A$$ & realize what he's missing but overall, I'm OK

Take care of yourself first, enjoy the grandbabies when they arrive

[rubywillow]

Seeking Advice: Marriage or Sobriety???

Blessings to you, Lavande. You are a marvelous human being.

[sami]

Seeking Advice: Marriage or Sobriety???

Thanks Mama Bear and LaVonde. I needed some responses and assurances that things will get better. Took the day off work today to try to get some things in order, and I had just had a wave a sadness and longing that physically hurts! But you have both lived through it and so will I....and come out on the other side a stronger person.

Mama Bear, I will visit the thread you recommended. Thanks!

LaVonde, thank you for sharing your story about your experiences. I'm glad things are working out for you now.

[rubywillow]

Seeking Advice: Marriage or Sobriety???

Sami, I'm there too, on that thread. Would be SO great to have you there in our craziness!! :H

[Doggygirl]

Seeking Advice: Marriage or Sobriety???

Hi Sami. I just saw your thread and wanted to pop in to wish you well whatever you decide to do. It can be so difficult to examine relationships that we built in the presence of AL, and figure out if the dynamic changes or not when we decide not to drink.

I have been AF for over 3 years now and my husband drinks. BUT....he only drinks VERY occassionally. It is not a focal point of his social life or our social life at all. He never drinks when he is with me and we keep no AL in our house.

I know people who are sober who manage to stay in relationships with a partner who drinks way more than my husband does. I also know people who choose not to be in relationships at all if AL is involved. I think it's a very personal choice.

I agree with everyone else that for now, I hope you will just focus on YOU and taking whatever time you need to get sober and stay sober and do some healing.

For me, "not having to work" while being in an environment of lots of social drinking would have red flags all over it. I couldn't do it and wouldn't want to. But that's just me.

DG

[Kimberley]

Seeking Advice: Marriage or Sobriety???

Hi Sami

You asked about people who are with a partner who drinks - I am. He drinks every night, but usually only a couple of beers. At the weekend sometimes he'll have more and if he's stressed out sometimes he'll have more.

At first I hated it, accused him of being an alky for drinking everyday etc. I only became comfortable with it when I realised it doesn't matter what HE does. I AM an alcoholic and I can't drink. What he does is beside the point. When I made that shift I accepted it and I don't really care any more.

once he went out and got really p~ssed and he was all over the place when he came home. And he said he feels bad being like that in front of me in case I felt like I was missing out. I had to laugh. No I don't miss being incomprehensible, annoying, repetative and overall kinda ugly! No way!!!

K x