hi, i am sorry if this seems like a negative post. it doesn't really have anything to do with AL. i just don't know where else to discuss anything right now. not a lot of people in my life to talk to...just feeling somewhat confused/hopeless/sad.
i just got off the phone with my partner, who has been out of town for 3 weeks today. no idea when he is coming back. could be another 3 weeks plus. i feel like i always say the wrong thing when we are talking. i feel like i have to fake being positive about everything, or else it will drive him away. the last time i cried out of frustration he told me that if i continued to cry, he would pack up his things and leave, and i would never see him again. i would never utter those words to anyone. especially not the person i am in a committed, loving relationship with.
well, i am going through a really hard time right now. i need someone to listen to me. i don't want to be negative, or sound hopeless. but i feel that way sometimes. this year has been the hardest year of my life. i am making it through, and most days can get through the day without too much fretting. but, i am worried about my future. i want a brighter future. i want to go to school for something that will qualify me for a salary that will enable me to reach my goals, and save money. (yes, i know we would all like that, but it is good to have these ambitions i think.)
my partner asked me if i have looked at my budget to see what i might need salary wise. well, you know, i don't have a car right now. i have a very shitty job. i eat peanut butter and jelly and beans and rice daily. i don't go out. i don't drink. i don't splurge on anything. i don't go to the doctor b/c i can't afford my insurance deductible. i haven't bought clothing since i bought one discounted sweater in february.
my budget doesn't include any of the expenses that my eventual goals of owning a car, paying for gas, a house, being able to travel a little bit, have an extracurricular activity or two, or saving any money. so, to be told to look at my budget now just to see what i could live on is such a joke to me. and, to project that? i have no idea what my eventual house will cost, what a car will cost, what unexpectedness life can bring.
i do not want to live this way forever. and i have every right to feel that way. but, i also feel like having ambitions to make more money are seen as being greedy and unreasonable. that i am undeserving of anything more than "just enough" to pay for basic necessities.
i just feel like crying for a long time right now. this is the ONLY place in my life i can talk to anyone without fear of being left. without fear of feeling like having fears and emotions, and yes, sometimes lack of hope is a fault.
i do feel hopeless. i feel sad. i feel angry. i feel lost. i feel very, very alone.
and am hoping to wake up tomorrow with a fresh attitude.
i just got off the phone with my partner, who has been out of town for 3 weeks today. no idea when he is coming back. could be another 3 weeks plus. i feel like i always say the wrong thing when we are talking. i feel like i have to fake being positive about everything, or else it will drive him away. the last time i cried out of frustration he told me that if i continued to cry, he would pack up his things and leave, and i would never see him again. i would never utter those words to anyone. especially not the person i am in a committed, loving relationship with.
well, i am going through a really hard time right now. i need someone to listen to me. i don't want to be negative, or sound hopeless. but i feel that way sometimes. this year has been the hardest year of my life. i am making it through, and most days can get through the day without too much fretting. but, i am worried about my future. i want a brighter future. i want to go to school for something that will qualify me for a salary that will enable me to reach my goals, and save money. (yes, i know we would all like that, but it is good to have these ambitions i think.)
my partner asked me if i have looked at my budget to see what i might need salary wise. well, you know, i don't have a car right now. i have a very shitty job. i eat peanut butter and jelly and beans and rice daily. i don't go out. i don't drink. i don't splurge on anything. i don't go to the doctor b/c i can't afford my insurance deductible. i haven't bought clothing since i bought one discounted sweater in february.
my budget doesn't include any of the expenses that my eventual goals of owning a car, paying for gas, a house, being able to travel a little bit, have an extracurricular activity or two, or saving any money. so, to be told to look at my budget now just to see what i could live on is such a joke to me. and, to project that? i have no idea what my eventual house will cost, what a car will cost, what unexpectedness life can bring.
i do not want to live this way forever. and i have every right to feel that way. but, i also feel like having ambitions to make more money are seen as being greedy and unreasonable. that i am undeserving of anything more than "just enough" to pay for basic necessities.
i just feel like crying for a long time right now. this is the ONLY place in my life i can talk to anyone without fear of being left. without fear of feeling like having fears and emotions, and yes, sometimes lack of hope is a fault.
i do feel hopeless. i feel sad. i feel angry. i feel lost. i feel very, very alone.
and am hoping to wake up tomorrow with a fresh attitude.
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