To cut a long story short I joined here in 2004 and was totally AL free until towards the end of 2010. Since then I've been trying to moderate and never got to the drinking the amounts before MWO changed my life way back then. But, of course I'm not a normie when it comes to the beast so moderating wasn't really working for me and just the thought of drinking, or NOT drinking, which was ALWAYS on my mind, was awfully stressful and soul destroying. So, 30 DAYS AGO I had my rock bottom for this round with the beast and I've won for now. I got so totally rotten filthy drunk that I threw up in the bed whilst trying to put myself out of sight, peed my pants, vomited for 2 days afterwards and I really think I had little seizures as I had a twitching on the left side of my body and major goose bump likes sensations from the waist up after each bout of throwing up. My partner helped me that night as he thought I had eaten bad food because I did my usual trick of closet drinking and leaving my glass always half full. I drank, red wine, scotch, white wine - anything I could get my hands on. I've never confessed the real reason..... It's interesting because I had had a great day and a nice start to the evening and I just went mental - I CANNOT explain why I do this. It's just insane. We were supposed to go on a social with my partners work and meet all the fellas and their wives, but I couldn't raise my head let alone get up and face the world. He kept in touch during the day because he was worried but I felt soooo ashamed. I was so shocked I couldn't even cry.....I just wanted to die and never have to worry about this disgusting, life destroying, self respect stealing beast called AL.
I kept thinking of Nelz and Doggygirl and lots of other folk here. I watched Nelz count down 30 days with such resolve and I admired him enormously. Doggygirl is so wise and I relate to every single thing she shares, well excluding AA because I just couldn't get into it. Each to their own though, and I don't disrespect what works for each one of us. I watch lots of other people who are struggling and mostly winning and I used to think, I wish that was me! Ringing Cedars - amazing, Ruby Willow, red67, Drifty Allison, mollyika - so many. Such wonderful, unconditional support. I don't post much but I lurk tonnes and each and everyone of you have played a part in my 30 day success. Well, I'm not wishing it was me now.....it is me!! I've conquered this before and I WILL do it again.....but I have learned THE most valuable lesson, and that is never underestimate the power of this demon. I tried to play but was nowhere even close to being a worthy competitor. I can never let my guard down.....ever! For me, it is the first sip that is my undoing, and it appears it will always be that way - no biggie. I'm not missing anything that's for sure and certain. Life is SOOOO much better without the monkey on my back.
So, life is back on track. Exercising again, sleeping better, not wasting money, I have peace of mind, I have clarity, I look forward to nice food and I SO enjoy waking every morning without a foul taste in my mouth and a foggy brain. Yesterday I went for my long walk and I thought forward to the afternoon sitting on the deck in the sun drinking a diet soda! A few minutes later I realised my thinking is different again. 30 days ago I would have been thinking of downing some wine (then some) but my conscious thought was about enjoying the sun and I wasn't AL focused. So good - no wrestling with my head at all. NICE!!!
Having said all of that, it wasn't easy to start with. Oh, it's always easy in the first few days when you're so hungover you can't bare the thought of a drink. Some days were harder than others, but it is so true that the more AF days you get under your belt the easier it gets. I also went back on Campral, ordered lots of supps from the MWO site and got some good reading going again. I can't be complacent about this - I need tools and resolve and that will most probably be how it is for me forever. I guess we always have to keep our toenails clipped if we want to wear sexy shoes, so what's the difference really. Keep 'em trimmed and you can wear sexy - drink grog and life is different, really different! LOL - weird analogy.... Same, same....???? Well, that thinking is working for me right now, and I'll do whatever it takes!
THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! For sharing your life, your stories. For being there for virtual strangers, for supporting all of us no matter what. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!! :thanks: :h
I kept thinking of Nelz and Doggygirl and lots of other folk here. I watched Nelz count down 30 days with such resolve and I admired him enormously. Doggygirl is so wise and I relate to every single thing she shares, well excluding AA because I just couldn't get into it. Each to their own though, and I don't disrespect what works for each one of us. I watch lots of other people who are struggling and mostly winning and I used to think, I wish that was me! Ringing Cedars - amazing, Ruby Willow, red67, Drifty Allison, mollyika - so many. Such wonderful, unconditional support. I don't post much but I lurk tonnes and each and everyone of you have played a part in my 30 day success. Well, I'm not wishing it was me now.....it is me!! I've conquered this before and I WILL do it again.....but I have learned THE most valuable lesson, and that is never underestimate the power of this demon. I tried to play but was nowhere even close to being a worthy competitor. I can never let my guard down.....ever! For me, it is the first sip that is my undoing, and it appears it will always be that way - no biggie. I'm not missing anything that's for sure and certain. Life is SOOOO much better without the monkey on my back.
So, life is back on track. Exercising again, sleeping better, not wasting money, I have peace of mind, I have clarity, I look forward to nice food and I SO enjoy waking every morning without a foul taste in my mouth and a foggy brain. Yesterday I went for my long walk and I thought forward to the afternoon sitting on the deck in the sun drinking a diet soda! A few minutes later I realised my thinking is different again. 30 days ago I would have been thinking of downing some wine (then some) but my conscious thought was about enjoying the sun and I wasn't AL focused. So good - no wrestling with my head at all. NICE!!!
Having said all of that, it wasn't easy to start with. Oh, it's always easy in the first few days when you're so hungover you can't bare the thought of a drink. Some days were harder than others, but it is so true that the more AF days you get under your belt the easier it gets. I also went back on Campral, ordered lots of supps from the MWO site and got some good reading going again. I can't be complacent about this - I need tools and resolve and that will most probably be how it is for me forever. I guess we always have to keep our toenails clipped if we want to wear sexy shoes, so what's the difference really. Keep 'em trimmed and you can wear sexy - drink grog and life is different, really different! LOL - weird analogy.... Same, same....???? Well, that thinking is working for me right now, and I'll do whatever it takes!
THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! For sharing your life, your stories. For being there for virtual strangers, for supporting all of us no matter what. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!! :thanks: :h
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