The awful first day... again

[Megan1959]

Boy did I screw up last night. It was our neighbors birthday. I've been dreading it since they are avid drinkers. So, since we were the only ones to celebrate with them, I polished off 2 and a half bottles of wine. The stress that I am going through with family, my Moms abuse law suit, being kicked off eBay after a 10 year spotless record, having no vehicle to look for work, pretty much stays buried when I'm sober. So last night after I was well into my second bottle I decided to find out why my niece has such a problem with me. I just found my biological family after 30 years of searching and it's a can of worms I wish I would have never opened 5 years ago. I've tried building a report with this certain niece and she won't even return my emails. Lately though she has been taking some shots at me. I finally asked her what her problem was last night. Long story short, the entire clan has "unfriended" me. DD is a toxic personality that has to have constant attention. I don't play that game. I finally figured this out last night but why the rest unfriended me I have no freaking idea. Even went over the message this morning on FB and even with my drinking, there really was nothing bad except I baited her out with one or two sentences and then she completely blew a gasket.

So then I'm getting ready for bed after my Husband went to work and didn't realize that the clip had broken on our bedroom fan and the face of the fan was off. It's whirring around and I stuck my hand right into the metal blades. So here I am pretty smashed, bleeding all over the place and couldn't reach the first aid kit on a top shelf. I ran over to my neighbor and she came in and helped me bandage my hand. It was a shock for her to see the house. I have really let things go all to hell. I am sick of trying and trying and trying at everything that I do, just to be a freaking failure. I go weeks without drinking and then finally just say screw it all and do a lot of damage in one night. A lot of it I don't even remember.

I have GOT to stop this and I mean now. I barely leave the house and just sit and play an online game to NOT think about all that is going to hell in my life. I mean come on! Who rapes and beats an 87 year old woman almost to death in a nursing home? THEN it takes over 4 years to go to trial! The trial won't be until sometime next year and I can't even visit my Mom since she is 5 states away.

My only child is a major violent criminal and at the age of 31 he has finally been sentenced to life in prison for attacking and robbing an elderly couple with deadly force. I'm so proud! This kid had the best of everything growing up but found meth and gangs to be a choice of careers. Oh, and yes, the neice had to throw that one in my face that I am a failure as a mother. Evidently but I kept my cool and let her bombard me with every hateful thing she could think of.

Does AA work for anyone? I need to do something. I have no health insurance, we have lost our paid off home and had to move out of state for work. My Husband is just barely paying the bills and with the loss of my eBay account my life has gone from worse to completely unbareable. I see a Shrink once every 3 months and even he is shaking his head with all that has hit the fan in my life. I am a complete failure and have worked so hard to try and make something of myself only to fail 100% of the time. It would be different if I had never tried but I can't tell you how much effort I have put forth only to become a total loser. So I've just stopped trying completely. I don't care much for people. The ones that I have met lately are just smiling faces and have taken advantage of me like you wouldn't believe. Most have come from the 8 different churches that I have tried. It's not like I hang out in bars. My drinking is done stricktly at home.

I have also tried to sign up and go back to school but unless I'm fresh out of high school, or a transexual, illegal immigrant, or a minority I can only MAYBE qualify for a one time payment of $1000. I am so sick of my life or lack of having a life. But I do know the only thing that I can take control of is my drinking. If I don't it will kill me. Either by a stupid accident like I had today, or my blood pressure will do me in.

So today is the first day, again, that I have not drank. I cannot do this again. I hate the first day of sobriety looking back on the night before and all the damage that I cause myself. Anyway, thanks for listening. I really need to talk to people that understand what I'm going through. Again, thanks.

Megan

[Doggygirl]

The awful first day... again

Hi Megan. Before I was finally able to let go of the booze, I had all kinds of insanity swirling around in my life. So I think I understand at least a bit of what you are going through. I really wasn't able to get off my sofa and do anything to move my life forward until I got free of AL.

I go to AA regularly and I find it helpful. I had to try a few different meetings to find a group I felt comfortable with. I have embraced the program and the steps and it's made a huge difference in how I view my life and my responsibilities and my opportunities and my relationships with others - family included. And it's free. If you have a buck or two you can toss it in the basket if you wish. And if you don't, you don't. What have you got to lose?

DG

[DriftyAlison0]

The awful first day... again

As for going back to school, look on seeing how much fasha can cover and go back to school. You may have to get some loans, but when you graduate and get a job, you can get more money and be able to pay off your loans. Check out the community colleges, they tend to be cheaper then universities.

[Megan1959]

The awful first day... again

Day two. The last thing I want to do is drink. Woke up to an awful email from my niece. I'm a failure as a Mother and about 20 other verbal slaps in the face. So I apologized for my part but in detail, let them know the pain that they have caused me along the way by only talking about themselves. I was a secretary for years and spent a good hour on editing the email to come across clearly and firmly with apologies. Guess the money I've sent them and words of hope through their addictions have gone completely unnoticed though I did not include those thoughts in the email. Not once have they ever asked how I am after losing my home, the nightmare of my Moms case, or the heart attacks I've suffered. Time to cut the negative crap out of my life. At least my Husband stands firmly by me and told me today he has seen this coming for a while but wanted to be supportive. So, my drinking has officially stopped on 10-23-11. That's my date. One complete day sober. Lets see what tomorrow brings.

Megan

[red67]

The awful first day... again

Good job Megan on day one. Its best to just concentrate on your own sobriety right now. Dont relive the past...easier said than done i know. You will feel better as each day passes without alcohol.

Keep up the good work and I'm glad that your husband is supportive.

[Doggygirl]

The awful first day... again

Megan, that is great you have a supportive husband. I am blessed in that regard too, and I think it makes this journey to sobriety a lot easier. I just try to focus on the positives in my life and it helps me to think of all I have to be grateful for rather than dwelling on the negative things in life. Each new day is a gift.

You are doing great!! Keep up the good work.

DG

[Dave_]

The awful first day... again

Megan,
That is an awful lot to deal with. I can understand your feeling very low. You know what? There is incredible strength in your words. Despite all that you are going through you have not given up, you are searching for a way through when many others would throw in the towel.
You are starting to show the warrior inside, take great pride in what you are doing and the fact that the thoughts that bubbling up to the surface are the fighting ones, the ones that are compelling you to survive where others would crumple and fall.
Keep posting because I dare say that you sit on the cusp of what may be the single most defining period of your life.
This is where you will discover that you are not a failure, you are not a loser but quite the opposite.
I read in your words great strength and I think you are about to find out just how empowered you can be.
This is a huge turning point in your life and that person deep down inside that always knew you were destined for more and better is about to make their presence known to the world.
I encourage you to grasp the burgeoning thoughts of fighting back and make them your own.
You know in your heart that all these trials and tribulations have only served to make you incredibly strong, your husband knows this, ask him.
You will begin to see clearly over the comming months that what I say is true and I can only say watch out world here comes Megan!

[Wagoneer]

The awful first day... again

Megan - sending you support and thoughts of hope and strength. You are very strong and we are all here to help you through this. It is worth the work.

[crimsons]

The awful first day... again

@Megan, you actually seem to be thinking quite clearly, PLUS you have a supportive husband. In many ways you are ahead of the game. I am so sorry to hear about your mom, though -- how distressing.

As for AA, as another poster pointed out, the variety of experiences is vast. Each meeting is different, and the cross-section of people is like anywhere else in life. I guess first try sorting out whether you're comfortable attending a meeting (I'm not, although I have) as you may be surprised who you run into there (some folks go far afield for additional anonymity). Then if you decide to, just go. You can either just sit there and listen, or talk with others. If anyone makes you uncomfortable or seems too severe, just move on to another person -- there will always be someone there on your wavelength. And going to AA doesn't mean you are required to adopt the program or stick with it -- but it's free, it's everywhere, and in general it's good fellowship. For every person who sticks with it, there's one who comes and goes, or uses it just to get started during the very difficult beginning stages.

Your blood relatives sound quite toxic. You might consider blocking any communication until you're feeling better, or even beyond? Anyway, it sounds like you're really handling everything in stride! And there's always fellowship here if you like privacy. Just take good care of yourself. I've found it helpful to look at alcohol as an unhealthy food substance that isn't good to ingest, like "bad" fats or too much cheesecake.

As for school, keep looking for options. I actually got a surprise large scholarship somewhere totally unlikely at the age of 39 -- because I wrote an unusual personal statement and they thought I'd diversify the student body. And you can WRITE!! Not to mention you have some unique experiences. Also it might be worth checking out online courses to get started -- most community colleges have them and you can take one in any state; doesn't have to be where you are living.

[RingingCedars]

The awful first day... again

Hi Megan--love your avatar and name. Ditto what Dave and Crimson said from me too.
How you going?

[Megan1959]

The awful first day... again

I want to Thank EACH and EVERYONE of you. I have read so many posts on this board and the common theme runs deep how this board has helped so many.

RingingCedars, thanks for the compliment on the avitar. We were cruising down the road on a beautiful Saturday a few months ago and I FINALLY managed to get a pic of the car next to us. I still can't figure out my camera phone! That was a purely accidental photo.

Crimsons, love your avitar. I have a beach cruiser that I occasionally ride to the beach and it looks like a pic right out of my life. Thank you for complimenting me on my writing skills. Would love to get a job for a freelance newspaper etc., but my talents are saved for cleaning up the occasional toilet for extra work right now. A lot of people have no jobs right now so I am thankful for that work when it comes in.

You are mirroring my thoughts on AA. People in general scare me like everyday is halloween, and to walk into a room full of people I don't know, or for that matter trust, is a huge step (think I threw a few too many commas in that sentence, sorry). For now I think I'll hang out here with the group.

I also signed up for "information" regarding scholarships and I had a repeat of when I "checked out" the local community college. They turned my phone number over to about 100 online schools. As soon as you answer they are trained NOT to let you off the phone until they have a sale. I can't get a word in edge wise either. It was a horrible thing to joke about, but I finally told the last guy that called, wanting me to sign up for their program, that I had 6 months to live. BTW that stopped all the calls and he didn't know what to say. Hopefully they taped that for teaching purposes lol.

Also if one good thing came out of my drinking the other night, it was to find out just how toxic my blood relatives are and how they have been coniving against me for quite some time. Over the years I have come to call the personality that shows itself during a semi or full blackout my "Twin". "She is completely different than my normal everyday personality. "She" doesn't trust anyone and is very protective of me. When I was single years ago, my friends would tell me, "God help the guy that trys to take advantage of you when you've had too much to drink!" It's a part of me I wish I had more of in my sobriety, not that I've ever been loose. Maybe I can learn to adapt the positive part of that personality without drinking. "She" is the one that baited out the niece, though "she" can also destroy things that cost good money like phones.

WAGONEER, Love your avitar too. I actually went out drinking with one of PeeWee's attornies before his little episode years ago. Always loved PeeWee though his attorney, at the time, didn't think much of him. Your words of encouragement mean more than I can say.

DAVE, Wow. What a way with words and sentiment you have. I almost feel like I should be cutting you a check instead of my shrink! Might I recommend that you work with people that have problems as a profession if you are not already. Don't leave this board, please. So many people need to be inspired and you have a natural gift at helping others. Thank you. Even though I'm still feeling pretty lost and a huge failure, you give me hope. All I've heard lately from the people I do let in my life is what a loser I am. "You should do this" "It's not healthy to do that", blah blah blah. I guess you hear that so many times, you start believing it.

What gets me is the family angle in my life. What so many take for granted is an impossibility for me. A friend from my way back in my past (30 years ago) contacted me today. He wants to see pictures of my family and hear more about my life. Perfect timing! God's always had a weird sense of humor with me and the timing is always spot on. I'm always looking up at the sky saying something like, "Nice touch!" "Didn't see that one coming!" Anyway wonder if I could "rent a family" for a few photos. The holidays are coming up and maybe I could just slip into one down at Sears.

DG, Yes I am Blessed to have such a wonderful husband and I'm glad you are as well. He fights his battle with the bottle too but has made incredible strides since we moved out here. He has literally cut his drinking down by 95% over the past 9 months. My shrink seems to think I am "pre-grieving" in case I lose him. Since I have suffered so many losses, 4 over the last couple of years, 2 suicides a couple of years 9 days apart, and just losing my older relatives and friends to natural causes, I have a tendency to panic and dwell on what kind of living hell my life would be like without my Husband. He can be a pain in my a*s*s but he's the only one that has stood by me no matter what I've done for 12 years. And he has ALWAYS kept a roof over my head even though he went homeless for 3 months this year while looking for work here to pay MY bills in another state.

Red, once again, love your avitar. Spongebob is one of my hero's. I always picture the episode where he and Patrick have been captured and are being dried out by the heatlamp when I'm so stressed out that all I want is a drink lol. I don't want to relive the past but I'm scared to death of the future but have to keep trudging along. Seems like there is always a freaking heatlamp involved too. I lost 70 lbs after suffering heat stroke last year and not seeking medical attention. Finally went to my Dr. a couple of months later and found out what the problem was. Take a strong case of heat stroke, throw in some major stress and a little heart attack for good measure, it makes for a great diet but not recommended by the general medical community.

I'm going through the end of those powerful sweating episodes you get after a good drunk. Doubled my blood pressure meds to twice a day and am getting through it. Should start feeling better tomorrow physically. I just don't want to leave the house - ever.

Well, I'll close before I turn this post into a book. My Dr. of 12 years and my shrink, in addition to a couple of other people have encouraged me to write a book. But right now it's like Red refers to dwelling on the negative, I'll put that off to another day. I don't even want to proof read this because even that is reliving the past. One freaking day at a time and I'm on day 3. Fun times.

Thanks to all of you guys. You - total strangers - have helped me more than the closest friends and family have ever done (looks down at ground shaking head). Usually everyone just runs in the opposite direction while pointing and looking at me judgementally. If this IS a disease would they do that to someone that was dying from cancer? At least we have a choice to get better but some days I think it's just as hard. Yes, I've lost 3 over the past couple of years from that deadly monster.

God Bless you all, I'll keep checking in. Sorry about not spell checking or proof reading as explained above.

Megan