Why have I never been able to control my.....

[Supercrew]

drinking?

As I have been reading the board the last couple of weeks I have noticed areas for "moderators", and have seen people who continue to come to the forum weekly and even daily saying, to steal from Britney Spears, "oops I did it again".

One of the things that helped me most when I finally decided to quit was when I realized why I couldn't control my drinking once I took the first drink.

I always thought this was completely a self control issue. I knew I always felt like I needed one more for the road, and I never made it to the road until I had 12 or 20 more. But I always felt like this was just a personality flaw on my part. I just liked to drink so much that I never wanted to quit.

I was going over old text messages and emails I have sent my wife over the past 5 years recently, and I was amazed at how many times...even before I thought I had a drinking problem, I had apologized for either drinking too much or I was promising that I wouldn't get drunk again. It was basically a bi weekly event that went into over drive during the holidays and the summer time.

Now why would I continue to promise that I wouldn't get loaded, then get drunk as a skunk, then apologize over 100 times in a 5 year period? Was my self control just so bad? Was I just a liar who always intended to get drunk over and over? or was it something else?

Well, for me, I found it was something else pertaining to the chemicals in my brain. Before we drink our brains release dopamine. This chemical tells our brain to search out and find whatever it is we are looking for, in my case it was alcohol. Well in a normal person once they gets the desired thing, (alcohol in my case), the brain is supposed to release serotonin to basically let your brain know that it is satiated and satisfied. This happens in a normal person after 1 to 3 drinks. My problem was that my serotonin normally didn't kick in and I would continue to release dopamine which would lead to me craving more and more alcohol. This is obviously and over symplified explanation, but it gets the point across.

By me finding out that my problem was a physical issue which was basically like having an allergy to alcohol. And my body reacted differently by not releasing the proper chemical when I drank it made it much easier for me to realize that I would never be able to control my intake everytime even if I focused on moderation over and over.

This is when the ball fell in my court. If I knew I was allergic to lobster, would I continue to eat it if it caused me to breakout in hives and vomit, or do embarassing things in front of others because I lost my moral bearings, or wet the bed because it made me so loopy that I didn't know that I forgot to find the toilet before letting my bladder go?

No, if lobster made me do any of those things I would never eat lobster again.

For me, finding out that I was basically dealing with a physical problem rather than a self control issue made abstaining the only answer for me.

I won't go in to how hard it was to initially quit once I was physically dependent and mentally obsessed with alcohol, but I can say that quiting for good was my only option, and it was the best decision I ever made, and knowing that my body reacts abnormally to alcohol was the added information that I needed to hear.

[caper564]

Why have I never been able to control my.....

i am speechless... you should write a book.. your very motivating.. thank you

caper

[Supercrew]

Why have I never been able to control my.....

caper564;1198463 wrote: i am speechless... you should write a book.. your very motivating.. thank you

caper

Thank you! I just hope that other people will realize that many of us aren't dealing with a personality flaw. We are up against a physical issue that creates this reoccuring problem of not being able to stop ourselves once we start.

[Struggles 106]

Why have I never been able to control my.....

Hey Super

Exactly what my post was about. Moderation
is for me simply not possible.
Since I posted my thoughts and read the responses
I realize that moderation efforts are probably
the first steps on the road to stopping.
After all you have to PROVE to yourself that
moderation does not work. No matter how many
times you try it.
Only then can you face the truth and deal with
it. I like your lobster analogy. Why pour something
down your throat that causes all sorts of bad results?
I just had to admit how stupid it was, and how much
of life I was missing.
Thanks

[FreeFly]

Why have I never been able to control my.....

You are very eloquent Supercrew and I thank you for your post. I hate labels and I hate "diseases" but I do understand the physiological, well up to a point - I'm not a scientist or clinician - but imbalances make sense to me. Yes, my brain is imbalanced. I'm going to run with this thread as I hope it will help me to finally stop beating myself up about my relationship with alcohol.
Thank you

[Supercrew]

Why have I never been able to control my.....

Thank you Ann and Cant believe!

Many years before I ever thought I had a drinking problem I always seemed to be in a position where I needed to try and slow myself down. There were so many times that family and friends would look at me with disdain and say, "just cut yourself off already". For some reason most of the time I couldn't do it, in fact I would find myself speeding up, and sneaking extra drinks. I never had really bad hangovers until the last few years, so the effects from the night before really did little to make me believe I had an issue.

In my last 10 years of marriage is where my wife started requesting that I try to moderate more, and I realized that it was an exercise in futility. I could rarely walk away once I started even though I would promise I would time and again. The real clincher was when I would finally make a wise decision and not drive home after a night out with the guys and sleep on someones couch, I would be polishing off whatever my host had in the fridge or liquor cabinet while they were drinking water, brushing thier teeth and getting ready for bed...."what, no one's ever heard of a nightcap?!?!"

One of the reasons I never saw the problem was first I was too drunk to see that everyone else quit drinking hours ago, and also because I really didn't know how alcohol affected chemicals in my brain, basically I never thought about it.

So when I started doing some research on alcoholism once I admitted that I obviously had some kind of problem I read a book called the Craving Brain, then I read some other scientific research and it was basically like looking in the mirror. It all made sense from my very first drink at 15 years old. There was a physical reason as to why I was always the biggest drinker and never wanted to stop. That little bit of information let me know that it wasn't a lack of willpower, it wasn't a personality flaw it wasn't just me being the drunk. It was something that I couldn't control, and no matter how hard I tried to control it I would never be able to fix it. When I finally learned it was physical the decision to quit drinking wasn't being made because I was a weak willed person, it was being made because I now know that I am physically unable to moderate my consumption 95% of the time once I start drinking.

After learning that info I realized I had a moral obligation not to drink at all because now I knew I couldn't always control it. Now if I did drink I would consider myself a weak willed person. It's strange how it turned itself around once I had the real biological reason for why I was a drunk. But I have to credit that information for saving my life, because without it I would have at some point probably continued the quest for moderation to prove to myself that I could eventually learn self control.

[windy]

Why have I never been able to control my.....

Thanks Supercrew for posting this. It is invaluable information.

I am confused a little. Sometimes (maybe most) of the time, I can successfully moderate and control my drinking, but occasionally went overboard and finished the bottle. I must confess, I am the kind of person that believes no question is a dumb question.:l So my question....How can you control the cravings sometimes and sometimes not. I think I just answered my own question. The cravings are the problem!! But don't normal drinkers have cravings too? (sometimes?)

Sorry for the babble...I will post anyway.

For myself, personally, I have decided to remain AF as the cravings are usually there no matter how much I have consumed. I guess that's the point, they are always there.

[Supercrew]

Why have I never been able to control my.....

Thanks for the post Windy. First of all normal drinkers don't have the cravings...ever. As far as being able to sometimes control them, I am not sure if on certain occassions extra serotonin is released or if maybe certain things in our diets might create different chemical reactions, or if a change of moods could play a role. The thing is, I now know that I can never be 100% certain even if I try really hard to moderate because alcohol affects me differently.

For that reason drinking for me is like playing Russian Roulette, and now that I am aware of those facts it would be immoral for me to drink.

[windy]

Why have I never been able to control my.....

Wow...really...Normal drinkers don't have cravings. I feel like a brick has been thrown at me. Of course they don't. Thanks Super C. For so long I thought I was just a normal drinker who just liked to have a good time. I am waking up slowly but surely. It finally dawned on me...that if I was craving alcohol, I definitely had a problem. Why did it take me so long to figure that out? Thank God I did.

[rubywillow]

Why have I never been able to control my.....

Super, superbly said. Yet each person has to determine where they are on the scale of things. Some people CAN moderate, but it's almost always those whose problem wasn't that great before they recognized it COULD become a problem.
Years ago I attended an alchohol and drug awareness program. I read scientific evidence that at some point our brains reach an invisible limit, where there is no tolerance at all. The old adage 'one is too many, 100 is not enough' rings true according to this. For those who haven't reached this level, learning early can work. For those beyond it, well, one drink sets it off again.
Yes, there are many who come back after failing in their battle. But the key is they come back. Continuing to work and not be judged, asking for help. Over time I've seen many fail, some leave, but some remarkable recoveries by people who had all but given up anywhere else. I'm SO glad you found your sobriety, and you recognize it is as fragile as one drink, but as doable as understanding that. Best wishes to you in your future. You are very eloquent.

[Supercrew]

Why have I never been able to control my.....

Thank you Ruby!