Who am I?

[fluff]

The reason I'm asking this- I have a vision of who I want to be versus who I am now- and why can't I push myself to be that person- I have only this one life and want to change myself to be that other person.I want to stop depending on alcohol and do something with my life that will make a difference in not only my life but others, as well. I have so many talents- but alcohol just gets in the way and drowns them to nothing. I just don't know who I am anymore or why I even exist. It's so depressing to wake up and just not know what your purpose here on earth is except to drink every night.

[InChains]

Who am I?

I identify with this so completely that I unfortunately can't help you. Listen to the people here, they'll help you, trust me, stay close.

[RedThread12]

Who am I?

Welcome to MWO, Ariele:

With open arms and only good wishes, I have to say , , , helluva' question you've posed!!!

And I'd be surprised if anyone, drunk or sober, on this board has an authentic answer. There will be many people coming along after me to respond to you, give you support and tons of practical advice. We've all been, if not exactly where you are, residing in the neighborhood, for sure!

But since the "spiritual path" has been my personal quest, I'll tell you this: you're question is the one that a great spiritual master uses as his primary means of inquiry into investigation of personal and spiritual growth. I'm not certain, but I may have taken more steps along that path than you, and I keep asking the same question!! And the answer keeps changing!!! And I love that!!!!

IMO, there is a huge pitfall in comparing ourselves and our behavior in this moment with what w e know is possible. You are so right. You can't push yourself to be that person. Getting straight-on with what is so today is really important. I'm not an AA'er, but I fully respect and appreciate "one day at a time." Sometimes, even now, when I'm not enslaved by alcohol, finding balance is sometimes one hour, or one minute at a time

I fully understand the feeling of despair upon waking up. I kept on drinking so I could go back to sleep in order to not feel that way. Then, of course, I would wake up from passing out. Dang. Same thing all over again!!!

Read, read, read, keep asking your questions, and find out how different people find their own way out. Because many have. You CAN find yours.

[Kaslo]

Who am I?

Wow reading this brought me up sharp. I've been sober for nine months and some, and you reminded me that the self really gets submerged by alcohol. Although it is very hard and a person really needs help it IS possible to refind and redefine yourself after you get far enough away from it. Give some thought to intervention, clinical help etc. Real the tools thread in the monthly abstinence thread. Remember that alcohol makes you depressed and unable to cope....without alcohol.

All the best. Don't give up hope. If I can do it, so can you.

Kas.

[Unwasted]

Who am I?

Ariele, I asked myself that same question for about two years when my drinking became problematic. The pain of hangovers finally pushed me to try making a new life for myself. I tried moderating but nothing took away the agony of what alcohol did to me physically, even when I didn't drink a lot.

Fast forward a year, I have found a way out for myself in the form of meditation and Buddhism (there is no worship of any kind of diety in Buddhism - it's based on answers lying within ourselves). It is the only thing that has finally helped me change once and for good.

I don't have the space available here to explain it all, but it's been life-changing. You can be another religion and still study Buddhism and meditation.

Sending you peace and strength and the wisdom to break out of the self-imposed prison of alcohol.:l

[fluff]

Who am I?

Thanks for the answers- I really appreciate them.
Today is step one - the quest of finding me. I've always been interested in Buddhism-so, I think I will read up on that, as well.
So, step one- do not drink.
Not sure what step 2 will be yet...find a purpose of some sort.

[Unwasted]

Who am I?

Ariele, I have a list of books that came recommended to me by a practicing Buddhist. I'll post them here. I would highly recommend The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche.

Here are more:

1. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, Sogyal Rinpoche
2. The Art of Happiness, The Dalai Lama
3. An Open Heart, The Dalai Lama
4. Kindness, Clarity, and Insight, The Dalai Lama
5. How to Practice: The Way to a Meaningful Life, The Dalai Lama
6. The Wisdom of No Escape, Pema Chodron
7. Start Where You Are, Pema Chodron
8. The Practice of Tranquility and Insight, Khenchen Thrangu
9. What the Buddha Taught, Walpola Rahula
10. The Heart of the Buddha, Chogyam Trungpa
11. Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, Shunryu Suzuki
12. Reflections on a Mountain Lake, Ani Tenzin Palmo
13. Meditation (Advice to Beginners), Bokar Rinpoche
14. The Miracle of Mindfulness: A Manual on Meditation, Thich Nhat Hanh
15. Old Path White Clouds, Thich Nhat Hanh
16. The Miracle of Mindfulness, Thich Nhat Hanh
17. The Joy of Living, Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche
18. Ethics for a New Millennium, The Dalai Lama
19. Minding Closely, Allan Wallace
20. Rebel Buddha, Dzogchen Ponlop

[fluff]

Who am I?

Thank you Unwasted- I am actually going up to the library today- and will check out the first one you recommended - if they don't have it I'll look into the others.
I think once I quit this drinking the night away- I will be able to open up to new things-I really really want this- and pretty sure I can do this as seeing what the alternative is-bleak, unhappy,sad...I'm feeling pretty good about starting a new journey -seeing a new me -physically, mentally and spiritually-and those three are pretty much intertwined-so, achieving one can help achieve the others.
I'm also keeping a physical log- weight loss-and using a tape measure-I have about 30 lbs to lose so I'm keeping myself motivated by watching the numbers on the scale and the tape go down. I'm trying to do a daily brisk walk of about 3-4 miles. I'm pretty sure just stopping drinking would bring the weight off-but I just love how I feel after I exercise.

[Unwasted]

Who am I?

Ariele, I think exercise is key, not just in helping us stay sober, but in making us happier and healthier and elevating our quality of life.

[fluff]

Who am I?

The walking helped and felt like I could do 2 more miles-but held back as I was going to stop at the supermarket to get a chicken for dinner-and didn't want to be too sweaty or smelly...
I've got a good frame of mind,tonight, for some reason-maybe- because I am determined.

[fluff]

Who am I?

Never made it to the library so that's on my list today-it's raining so it's a good day to do that. Just pulled out christmas decorations from the basement and my foyer is filled up with boxes of Christmas stuff. Good day to work on that stuff to.
Well, day 2 and feeling good, and actually positive-not the lost and depressed feeling I felt when I started this thread- not drinking really helps lift your spirits and I feel like I have so much I want to do. Gosh, for only 2 days and feeling great-what'll it feel like in a month?
I actually remember everything I watched on tv last night!
Well, since it's raining I can't walk/jog at the track-so I 'll use the treadmill in the basement.
Gotta get more coffee and get on to another sober day of productivity.

[Unwasted]

Who am I?

Ariele, good to hear that you're doing better! Take care.:l