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**Unwasted** · January 2, 2012, 08:30 AM

I am such an A-hole when I drink

Caper, after many years of drinking my personality started changing and I'd get like what you've described in your post. I can't begin to tell you what a relief it is to be free of that burden, not to mention the horrible hangovers and exhaustion caused by drinking.

Why don't you consider making and AF plan and joining us in the Newbie's Nest. Or, not sure how long you've been trying to get AF, but a lot of people are having success with Balcofen (Meds Thread).

Regardless of how you do it, I really hope you can start stringing some AF days together. It's a new world, and I promise it's much better than drinking. You have to be patient and give it time. But eventually your life will improve a thousand fold.

Sending you peace and strength.

**Lavande** · January 2, 2012, 08:40 AM

I am such an A-hole when I drink

caper,

You have identified the problem now the question is - what are you going to do about it?
Trust me, you will keep getting the same results if you don't make any changes!

Use the ideas in the https://www.mywayout.org/community/f1...box-27556.html to make yourself a good plan.
Make the commitment to improve your life.
Get rid of all the AL in your house & don't buy anymore, no matter what!
Make your apologies to your family & friends but then focus on improving yourself. Read, write, take positive steps everyday & stay connected to MWO to keep yourself accountable.

I was in your shoes three years ago when I found MWO. I was totally ashamed & disgusted with myself & needed to make some major changes. These are the things I did & am now looking forward to my 3 year AF anniversary in March. You can do it too!!!!!

Join us in the Newbies Nest, tell us your plan!
Wishing yuo the best!

Lav

**Pinecone** · January 2, 2012, 09:11 AM

I am such an A-hole when I drink

Hi Caper,

I just want to send you some support because I know how that feels.

I bet that you're not an a-hole when you don't drink! If you were, you wouldn't care about how you made your family feel. Actually, the way you write makes me think you are a very empathetic person.

I know that you're down on yourself about what happened, but just try to be grateful for how you feel about it. You might be trying to tell yourself something. I wouldn't dwell on it to the point that you feel like you need a drink, but try to process that feeling for the message. I'm pulling for you!

**caper564** · January 2, 2012, 09:27 AM

I am such an A-hole when I drink

thanks everyone for the support.. pinecone, your right i will try not to dwell on it....

Caper

**Wally22** · January 2, 2012, 10:13 AM

I am such an A-hole when I drink

Good Morning Caper564
It sucks to wake up the next morning and remember the dumb things we have done under the influence.
Waaay better not to drink in the first place.
You have already received lots of good advice. I just want you to know that I have been in the same place and feel for you. However I feel soooo much better since I stopped drinking and I hope you will feel the same.:l

**Nelz** · January 2, 2012, 10:39 AM

I am such an A-hole when I drink

I think most of us are guilty of the Dr. Jeckyl Mr. Hyde thing when AL is introduced into our system.

Im a pretty patient guy, but my wife has told me that when I am drunk I get pretty "demanding/controlling" and the worst part, was, I didnt even remember any of it.

I wanst abusive but I guess I just wasnt the "Nelz" of usual. Sometimes I would wake up to the dreaded..........Do you remember what you said/did last night? Ugggghhhhhhhhhh I hated myself to no end, so I know exactly how you feel.

Sounds to me, like the only cure for your issue is to rid yourself of the mind altering poison of AL. I am here to tell you, from a man that truly thought there was NO way I would ever be able to stop, it IS indeed possible.

Its a decision to better yourself and the relationships you have right now. Ill be honest with you, it will not be easy, but it will be worth it. You will have to work very hard at it, but there is many ways to "surf the urge"

Best piece of advice I ever took from this board is...take it day by day. Dont be woe is me because I cant ever drink again. If day by day is too much, break it down farther.

Hell, Ive broken it down into 15 minute sections. And guess what happened 15 minutes turned into 30 minutes that turned into hours, days, weeks and now months.

I am nobody special, pants go on one leg at a time just like everyone else........well, except for those "really" crazy mornings!

You can do this, visit the board a lot, ask questions, research on the internet, just distract yourself when the urge hits........I used to say to myself.........I dont drink, it took a long time for me, but finally it started to sink in.

I wish you all the strength, knowledge and support needed to reach your goals.

EDIT: BTW I LOVE that avatar, Spiderman is my sons all time favorite subject in the whole world!

**RingingCedars** · January 2, 2012, 10:39 AM

I am such an A-hole when I drink

Hi Caper, fellow Canuck. Yep, been there done that. Rest up, lots of lemon water and while you should not beat yourself up, it is cause to reflect and make some decisions. Be great to see you checkin in often on the Canuck thread. I'm giving up both smokes and booze. Personally I would apologize sooner than later and hopefully with a firm commitment to give up the evil twin.

**Struggles 106** · January 2, 2012, 11:33 AM

I am such an A-hole when I drink

Hey Caper

Oh my what famliar territory! The day- after glares and recriminations, shame, and maybe even a broken glass or some other piece of physical evudence of drunken nonsense. Some bruises, maybe irreparable damage to a relationship. What fun!

Doesn't it get so damn tiresome? It wears you down inch by inch until you are nothing but a
chemical factory of toxicity, with you voluntarily providing the toxin.

I, like Nelz, spent a lot of time thinking I could not stop, but I did. Only 90 days yesterday but determination rules! It's my life and I'm taking it back!

I hope you can take yours back. Please dont dwell on what you've done and beat yourself up. Treat yourself well. As Lav says make a plan. Though I admit I didn't really make a plan. When I had enough I found this place and plodded on day by day.

And just in case the thoughts come up about "not having fun" and/or "what you're missing"
just think about that. Fun can be defined of course in different ways but I doubt that any
of the excessive drinking crap falls into that category.

Take good care of yourself; you are worth it!

**broken halo** · January 2, 2012, 01:56 PM

I am such an A-hole when I drink

I am exactly the same as you today, caper. Hang in there.

**caper564** · January 2, 2012, 02:11 PM

I am such an A-hole when I drink

doo-doo;1237215 wrote: GUILT; the gift that keeps giving.

yes ain't that the truth...

**K9Lover** · January 3, 2012, 12:02 PM

I am such an A-hole when I drink

Hi Caper!
Boy can I relate to your post! I don't even know WHO I became after drinking, all I know is that it was not nice at all. I still can't believe the stupid sh*t I've said and done while drunk. Not to mention the dangerous stuff. I don't ever want to wake up scrambling for the phone to see who I've called or texted, or the computer to see who I've emailed in a blackout. That, to me, was the worst feeling ever. The anxiety, guilt, shame, embarrassment, regret, etc. etc....
I am sorry you are having a hard time right now. I hope you can rest up and try this again. You'll see that being alcohol free truly is freedom!
K9

**Cinders** · January 3, 2012, 12:06 PM

I am such an A-hole when I drink

Caper,

My husband tells me that "evil Cindi" appears when I am drunk.

Friends have said the same thing.

Really good reason not to drink, IMHO.

Brush off and start again. Don't look back.

Guilt leads you down the wrong path.

Cindi

**Today** · January 3, 2012, 01:33 PM

I am such an A-hole when I drink

I can relate too, who was that vicious woman I would became? I would join dinner, or a party or night out already pre-drunk for the simple reason I needed to anesthetize myself... and after, would want to numb the feelings of guilt and shame. My cycle kept circling like that for more years than I care to count. You will feel much better soon, stay AF as much and for as long as you can. You can do it, we all can!

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