on and off the wagon

[jay42]

i would have posted before ,,,, but im swinging between drinking and not drinking , i was af for 10 days .. then i just get this compulsion to drink , its like im ok then the next thing i know im holding a can and a smoke .
i read it takes a year for the brain chemisrty to re assert iself after years of drinking . dont know if ill ever get there lol
been reading allen carrs book . how to give up drinking ... and how we have all been brainwashed to thinking thier is something outside ourself that can help with pain etc
i agree with him on varoius points on aa ... dont get me wrong aa have some good points but its continoual thread of we are defective personalites and were to blame to drinking . etc ..... what about what has happened to us? through envioremntal facters or social conditions etc
..... when im not drinking i still crave it and the craving has been less then pow! ive got a drink in my hand , i dont know if ill ever be free of this ....
only thing to say im screwed up today but hopefully tommrow i wont be
but WHAT worries me is that "this" craving is always going to bethere and i cant get rid of it . its no point teling me to apologise to everyone ive done wrong ie aa
i know im not innocent ive screwed up down the line butont want to spend the whole of my life aplogising
ive lost 5 friends in the last 10 years . maybe i have to come toterms with thier pasing and my own life
and why i have anxiety that causes me to drink in the first place .. im starting psychotherapy on tues ..
al;li know is this alcohol is not gong to make me feel better and loking at pics of my girlfriend who killed herself, in 93 is not going to do any good either
ok .ive drunk a bit but i will stop soon ..
people say oh george best had a liver tranplant but he was still drinking etc... no one should judge . i feel bad about myself that is i dont want to drink but something compells me to do so
thank god im a lot better than i used to be but the compulsion is still there
i hope one day to be free of it
thanks for listening
j

[lushy]

on and off the wagon

I hope that for you as well Jay, and for all of us. Do the best you can. Get as many AF days in there that you can. I think that really helps to strengthen us. Best of luck to you in therapy!!!

[betty boop]

on and off the wagon

Jay,

My sweet love, my heart goes out to you.........

You feel really bad at the minute but the fact that you posted here tells me that you don't want to be where you are right now .....

I'm so sorry that you had a girlfriend who killed herself, that in itself would drive many to drink.

Although as you say this craving will always be there, the less you drink , the less the cravings will be, and the truth is tha cravings never killed anyone, but alcohol does..

In case you think i'm just here for sympathy, until 2 months ago I was drinking 3 bottles of wine EVERYDAY for the last 10 years at least ........ since finding this site 3 months ago i've gradually cut down, and i'm on my 6th day AF, I was going to drink tonight but changed my mind ..

'thank god im a lot better than i used to be but the compulsion is still there' they are your words, you can be even better.

Please feel free to PM me if you need any more help and support...

Love & Hugs, Paula :h :l :h