Clenched teeth

[ButEmilyLovedHim]

Hello everyone.
This is my first bonafide message on grown up boards ! . I have posted on the new peoples fourum a couple of weeks ago and had fantastic feedback, and I have done as you have suggested read, read, post .

So now, I feel ready to post again after reading - a LOT.

I have stopped drinking 4 weeks ago ( i am not keeping days this time ) although I did have a few drinks on New Years Eve, but I was astonshished to find that I could slip back into the 'not drinking' psyche.

Tonight, however is a different matter, my partner is going away tomorrow to work after a lovely 3 weeks of bliss - not to mention house renovations, but I start a new job in a week so I am trying to remain positive.

Basically, what I am trying to say is that - YES I have drunk 3 large glasses of wine ( 1 bottle )

BUGGER . This wasn't supposed to happen, and I am sorry for piping up now, when I am in a quandry.
I feel mean because I have been a spectator for such a long time, and now, when I need some help, I come bleating.

Everyone's story here has kept me flying along , why now,? of all times.?
Heaven help me.

I read your stories with such laughter and sometimes tears, but underlying this, is always the sense of great hope which is expressed throughout .

I want to say Thank You and God Bless.

Night Night

Em
X

[Accountable for Me]

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Hang In There!

I know what you mean about all of these changes and the part about coping. I too have BATTLED the urge to drink this weekend. My husband works away from home, and he left on New Years Day. On the 22nd of December he came home for 10 days after being gone for 2 months. It was SOOOO nice having him here and then, whammo - gone. That alone made me want to run for the bottle. (feeling of abandonment? maybe).

We did drink a lot over the holidays (which wasn't always a good thing). But many days were wonderful and nice having my family unit together.

Now, yesterday, he had said he was moving us to the city where he is working at the end of February. UGH, this makes me want to drink .... I live near all of my family, and friends. Where I grew up and feel safe and comfortable. This city is a 2 hour ferry ride, plus 4 hours of driving away!!! ACK!!!! This whole moving thing makes me feel uncomfortable and out of my element.... which makes me want to drink....

He also wants me to get a job and start working on my career again (I have been home with our 19 month old daughter). So two years pretty much of being at home, I have lost a lot of confidence with the whole working thing. This makes me want to drink....

Don't beat yourself up. Man, I am CLENCHING MY TEETH trying not to run for the liquor store. It is only 3:40pm here and I have a WHOLE night ahead of me.... UGH!

Too many changes. I understand. COMPLETELY! I have been AF for 9 days now, and am walking a fine line between making it to 10 - or blowing it.

Just hop on the wagon again tomorrow if you can. We will all be here for you! NO MATTER WHAT! That is what is so great about this site. Sending you the strength you need..... :l

[ButEmilyLovedHim]

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Hi Acc 4 me !

You sound just like me.. except that I haven't worked for 4 years Ow NO ! So yes, I can completely understand about the lack of confidence, it has taken all this time just to get my ass into an interview room, but do you know what. ? I got the one and only job I went for ( along with a bit of blagging with regards to what I have been doing with my time !!! ) Goes without saying, between us !
But you mentioned the abandonment word. I was adopted at 6 weeks old. I don't like people shunning me. But half the time I think that maybe It is in my own head. Paranoia. I don't know. What I do know is that whilst I haven't been drinking, these horrid thoughts haven't crossed my mind, so maybe there is a lesson in that - although the tug is often to much to bear.

But in retrospect, it is a culmination of all of these things, which I hope I will be able to speak with you, and others about this , because i don't like AA or meetings, but I do like to discuss and read about peoples issues ( which are so similar to my own ) .

I will shut up now - I am only speaking so outright due to my wine consumption - sorry evryone.

Em
x

[Determinator]

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don't be sorry Em, that's what we're all here for. at our best and worst, and sounds like your doing pretty well and have some practice under your belt at your new lifestyle.

[tumadre]

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:welcome: EM!
It is OK to post on here, no matter what your state of mind or being. Please keep reading, please keep posting.
Tumadre

[tumadre]

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Accountable for Me-
So how did your evening go? I hope you were able to unclench your teeth and relax in some way...
I do remember having to go back to work after being off when the babies were young. SCARY! We tend to think our brains have become pudding and we smell of spit-up. You'll just have to trust me-your brain still functions, and you'll ease into this next stage of your life...
Tumadre

[Olly]

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Welcome Emily!! I'm glad to you joined in and posted. I hope you find the extra support you're looking for here. I know I lurked a long, long time before posting. And, it's only been since actually writing and sending that first post that I found "that little bit extra" which has helped me to be really clear about what I want regarding alcohol in my life. I'm sure, for me anyway, it's all about the "honesty" I can have and FEEL here... as I don't share this topic with anyone else in my life as I do here. I hope to someday, but for now, I come here to be honest, to feel honest, and to feel better. I hope you will too.

Hey to everyone else. Speaking of work, gotta go. Grrrrrr.

hugs, Olly

[Accountable for Me]

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Didn't Cave - thank God

Hi Tumadre and others.... Nope, didn't give into that little voice, but MAN it was the hardest day EVER, EVER, EVER thus far.

Instead, I made a batch of fattening nachos and crammed them down my throat. HAHAHA... I don't usually eat poorly, I actually eat very healthy, but in this case I had to do something! (I am laughing at my gorging last night!).

Ahh... yes, going back to work. I am looking so forward to it in many, many ways - like for the adult coversation, and being in Human Resources and Payroll, I love the interaction with people. But the whole interviewing process scares the crapola out of me right now. Like anything else in life, you just have to do it.

Wishing you all another great day!

[Accountable for Me]

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and ButEmilyLovedHim

I wasn't adopted, but had a HORRIBLE childhood. I wish I was adopted out at that time in my life. I was severely abused as a child... won't get into details tho... I just thank God that the one thing I have done right in my life is that I broke the cycle of abuse with my own child. I look at her and cannot imagine EVER hurting her emotionally or physically! Gosh, it makes me want to cry. There was a lot of substance abuse in regards to my parents along with severe depression. This goes back to my Grandfather on my mother's side (her father) who was abandoned by his mother and placed in an orphanage when he was 12 by his father! So, needless to say, he took out his pain on my mother and in turn she took it out on me. I do have a sister who is younger but she didn't get the brunt of it as my mother figured I could handle it - so she decided I was her whipping post.

I spent most of my teens bouncing from my mom's to my dad's. Being kicked out of my mother's it seemed weekly because she was out of pot, or in a bad mood. I can honestly say I was NOT a problemed child and always OBEYED. I then spent some time in a Foster home or two.

So, this is where my sense of abandonment came from, and why I abused the alcohol. I was left with a sense of 'fake' self esteem and confidence to get me through school, and University, to be employed by great employers etc... when my 'Fakeness' was running out, I turned to alcohol 6 years ago. Totally crashed and burned. I used it to cope..... Then it turned into a HUGE problem and I wasn't coping anymore! I am thankful for having a wonderful daughter who has made me see the light of all of this really. I was truly blessed to have become pregnant and stayed sober during that time. Although after she was born, I started to drink again, and now that she is 19months old, and as active as ever, and not to mention as HAPPY as a child could be, I needed to stop the madness and actually start to feel I deserve to be happy with her and for her.

I know I said I wasn't going to get into details, and I guess I did LOL. I guess I needed to get it off of my chest. Thanks.

And don't ever apologize for your posts. We are all in this together. These boards are meant to be theraputic, and hence, getting our feelings, fears, accomplishments and failures out where people understand is healthy!

[ButEmilyLovedHim]

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Your post made my brows furrow initially , with worry, then smile, because you have broken that cycle - for your daughter. I can appreciate your pain because you infer it so eloquently, yet you bear no malice.
That is a great gift and my probs seem to shrink in comparison.
It's just words like yours that help to keep a perspective on things.
I really thank you for saying what you have. This is a new ( another one ) start for me , and just reading and sharing really is an inspiration.

Lots of love to you , and to everyone who makes my problems diminish by - well - just sharing really.

Em.
xoxoxox
:groupluv:

[Accountable for Me]

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and...

You are right. I bare no malice. My mother did apologized to me a couple of years ago and admitted she was an awful mother. We had a LONG talk/cry one afternoon while drinking wine by her fireplace... We were completely honest to one another about what we were feeling and why everything happened the way they did. However, I still continued to drink because I didn't really know how to digest it, and really lost a sense of myself along the way. This is why I am here and why I want to be well. I have to let the past go and move forward.

She didn't know any better. She was raised in an abusive home and only knew abuse. There wasn't a lot of parental education back in the 70's. I totally forgive her for what she had done. I feel more badly for her as her own father who passed on 2 years ago never told her he ever loved her or that he was sorry. Something she is still hurting about. At least now she is practicing self love and even tells us that she loves us. It was SO bizarre the first time I heard it a couple of years ago. I didn't know what to say back to her. So in turn, during the whole forgiveness stuff, I learned to say it back to her. I tell my daughter and my husband every day that I love them. So, it didn't completely ruin me.

We are great friends today. I completely understand why she did what she did. I am just glad that this type of behaviour has been exposed and we are more educated and aware. Especially if you come from a home that is abusive. I love my mother very much now. I do however feel a lot of pity for her as she has spent her whole life miserable.

Your problems are not any less significant than mine. Please don't feel that way. The old saying goes "God, only gives us what we can handle." I am not religious, but I truly believe it. Forgiveness is the best gift you can give yourself. This is also something I believe as well.:l :l :l