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**available** · January 27, 2012, 01:17 AM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

Oh boh that is sad. why cant your friends be proud of you for wanting to change your life and be af free. maybe they are jealous that u r doing it as they cant. Join a knitting group lol. there has to something that u r interested in and can join. Dont go back to al u have done so well. have u asked your friends why they cant accept you not drinking. Humans are strange creatures i must say. Good luck and stay strong and if u want to chat pm me.

**Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)** · January 27, 2012, 02:50 AM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

Boh, sorry that your 'friends' adopted what to me sounds like a very immature approach. So your drinking was the most important part of the relationship and without it they are now blanking you? If you stopped smoking say, would it have the same reaction?
You are doing the right thing here in getting sober, you are doing what is right for you not what others expect or desire of you. If they cant accept that then it seems to me like you need new friends, ones who will respect you for your choices, however hard that may be. It is possible to make friends at any age, humans are for the most part social creatures and we seek each others company. I may be an alkie but it doesnt define who I am as a person and nor should it you.

A friend's qualities:

The tendency to desire what is best for the other.

Sympathy and empathy.

Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart.

Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support.

Enjoyment of each other's company.

Trust in one another.

Positive reciprocity — a relationship is based on equal give-and-take between the two parties.

The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement.

**mauritiusdodo** · January 27, 2012, 03:50 AM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

how shallow people really are, seems to me they are envious of you for having the willpower to change and probably jealous that you are enjoying an AF life! If it is any help at all it IS possible to make new friend s whatever your age or circumstance, I got pregnant at 39 and had no friends with small children, I joined a site called netmums and met up with quite a lot of ladies and 3 of them have become very good friends, I think maybe joining some kind of club or starting a new hobby would be good for you

Best of luck, it is hard taking the plunge and reaching out but in my opinion worth the effort, you sound like a lovely person and you deserve to have real friends who care about your wellbeing not just people who want to see you get high or drunk!

**GingerDust** · January 27, 2012, 07:30 AM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

Boh. That's really sad. Maybe they don't understand what alcoholism is. Or maybe they do and they're afraid they have it too.

I think going to AA is a great idea. It can be an instant social network full of people who don't want you to drink. Remember the red flags - hungry, angry, LONELY, tired. Good luck. I hope you find some sober buddies soon.

**ThreeDogNight** · January 27, 2012, 07:50 AM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

Hi, Boh.
That is very sad, but as others have said, these are not true friends! They are drinking buddies, and are maybe jealous that you've stopped and they haven't. I am very lucky that I don't have friends like that. The friends I have who drink do not do so to excess, and have been extremely supportive of me. I am twice your age. You are young enough that you could certainly find a new group of real friends who will respect your decision. I go to AA reguarly--didn't like going when I first started, but now look forward to meetings and sharing with people who understand, since we have the same problem and the same solution. I recommend that you try a few meetings--some places do have young people's meetings, and those might be of particular interest to you.
I think it's just wonderful that you've done so much AF time despite not having support from your so-called friends! Hang on to that, and keep moving ahead!
And keep posting here!

TDN

**Pinecone** · January 27, 2012, 08:27 AM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

Hey Boh,

That really sucks. Have you told any of these friends about your struggle? If any of them are truly important to you and you haven't told them, you might want to consider it. I'm just wondering because your posts doesn't mention it.

**looking for peace** · January 27, 2012, 08:38 AM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

That really sucks. I really feel for you. I am quite a bit older than you and I am nervous about losing a couple of friends if I don't drink at dinner with them. But that is just a couple of friends and I have others and I do more daytime activities, so I can mentally deal with that. I don't know how I would have felt at your age. I have an 18 year old son and am scared at how he will handle himself in college as far as drinking and drugs are concerned. So thank you for posting this, it makes me take my head out of the sand as far as younger people are concerned.

I agree with what everyone has said here. The friends that don't want to hang out with you if you don't drink aren't true friends.

If you look at the holistic section, there is a recent depression thread that talks about how humans are designed for Socialization and how to maybe get that started. Doing something, anything with other people is a start. Like I said, I really sympathize with your position. It can be lonely and hard to make the right choices, but I believe you will find somewhere were you belong.

**DriftyAlison0** · January 27, 2012, 11:47 AM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

Well they wasn't true friends to start with anyways, they were there for the booze.

I would volunteer or do some af things and make new friends.

**Supercrew** · January 27, 2012, 11:53 AM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

I have had to re-evaluate the relationships and friends in my life. I don't get the calls I used to get to hangout as often, and there are certain people that I don't call anymore because they don't fit into my new lifestyle plan. Instead of me looking at it like my friend list is getting smaller, I look at it as a way to improve myself and my life.

Ii have found that you normally become more like the people you hangout with. If I hangout with drinkers who are in less than happy relationships, who are not striving to be better and to change their circumstances, you will often times find yourself in that same mindframe. "Birds of a feather flock together" so to speak. Instead of looking at it as a negative look at it as a way to grow and create new relationships. I have done it through coaching, and finding new interests.

I will agree this would have been tough for me to do when I was younger and didn't have a family, but I think if I would have I would have been alot more successful and more content in my life if I would have. I still hangout with some of my old friends and my brother on occassion, but looking back the only real reason we used to get together alot was to get loaded. I don't let myself get bored anymore or feel sorry for myself, if I am discontent I go do something. Whether it be taking a hike with the dog or taking my wife and kids somewhere to do something different.

I know this probably didn't help you with finding friends, but maybe you need to open your eyes alittle more and focus on finding people who you want to be like then join their groups or organizations and create some new connections. AA didn't open that path for me because many of the people I met in AA weren't looking for overall life improvement, most were still focused on "not drinking" instead of loving sobriety. Thats not who I want to be, so I didn't want to build relationships with people in that mindset.

Start focusing on what type of person, mentally, physically, financially, that you want to be, then start looking for groups where those type of people will be. Take a class that interests you at the local community college, look for events online or in the paper that you would like to go to and attend and make an effort to meet new people. Great job on the sobriety!!

**Boh** · January 27, 2012, 10:49 PM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

Hey thanks everybody for the support, helpful ideas, and kindness!

I'll try to answer some questions... They were true friends in every possible way, but the main thing we'd always do is drink. We would mountain bike then go for beer, dirt bike then go for beer, go motorcycle cruzing and stop for a beer, go fishing and drink beer, football games and beer, then on weekends we'd have huge deck bbq parties and drink all day and night.

We have been friends for over 15 years and yes the focus of all of our activities was drinking.
My closest friends are just as big of alcoholics as I am and that is probably why we hung out so much and really related as we loved our booze together. It is definitely youth culture, we grew up drinking together in highschool every weekend. It was always the thing to do, especially here in Saskatchewan, totally acceptable. So, maybe they were just drinking buddies, but that is all I've ever known.

My one friend went to rehab but started drinking minutes after he got out. My other friend says drinking is social and if your sober you don't belong at a party with people getting drunk.
You will ruin everybodies time because they will be scared to relax cause the sober person will be " watching."

I've told them that I quit drinking because I wanted a better quality of life and realized AL was ruining my life... it was the root of all of my problems! Now its like the party moved and I'm not invited. Yea, maybe they are jealous because I quit drinking and they can't? Maybe because I have extra money for vacations now and traveling? Maybe because I'm getting healthy? I guess it doesn't matter really.

I am going to join a club or a team, that was a great idea. I really appreciate everybodies comments and suggestions. Thank you all!! The search for friends begins...

boh

**Supercrew** · January 27, 2012, 11:10 PM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

Great job again Boh, and for what it is worth you are exactly like me as far as your friends and relationships. The only people I really considered friends were guys I went to high school with and we drank everytime we got together since the time we were around 15.

I am glad that most of those ties have been cut because I needed the personal growth and I found that getting drunk had me stagnant and depressed. If you have a friend who would outright say you don't belong to the group anymore and you are unwelcome because you don't drink, I'd tell him to eff himself and move on. Although life is about relationships, it is more about my health and my happiness. I still surf, and golf with my buddies for the most part, but I just don't drink with them...but I found that although most I would consider great friends from my past, I don't particuliar like being around them when they are drunk, because just like I used to be, they are a-holes.

Keep it up you can do it!

**Saoirse & the wild horse** · January 27, 2012, 11:37 PM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

BOH those a what I like to call 'circumstantial friends,' they are your friend only in certain circumstances .
You sound like a fun person and obviously very happy AF , so your going to have to tell your friend next time he wants you to drink with him that HE as your 'friend ,' should respect that you don't drink and that if ye are to stay friends then he has to suck it up!

Funny thing about people is they want you to drink like a ' normal person,' not realizing that is why you gave it up in the 1st place . Yours and my normal is a lot different than the average 2 glass of wine social drinker.

Take a class , join a social group! Do what you enjoy and the people you meet while doing it will already have that thing in common with you.

Good luck to you .

**Rusty** · January 28, 2012, 12:40 AM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

Boh,

Congratulations on your AF time! Sunday will be your 4 month AF anniversary.:goodjob: I echo what people like Superscrew and everyone else here said about your "friends." How well I know the drinking culture in Saskatchewan. My first job out of college was in marketing for a professional hockey team. We had many Canadians on our team between the ages of 22-27. When they weren't playing hockey, they were getting trashed. Several of their marriages broke up when they were in their early 30s. Several of them (including the American coach) became alcoholics. Life after hockey has not been good. Why???? They couldn't break out of that sophomoric party mode. They couldn't develop a passion for anything other than playing hockey and partying. You like working out so go to this website.....bodybuilding.com. I found out about it on the Focus on Fitness Thread. You might find company there. BTW....when one of my co-workers was in his early forties, he quit drinking and was sober for 7 years. He got into bodybuilding because he needed to fill in the hours that were previously spent drinking. He said he never felt or looked better in his life. Then, suddenly, he decided he missed drinking. He stopped bodybuilding and went back to drinking. I am 50 and am working on my goal to lose some 50 pounds that AL has put on me. AF, I am succeeding, and I am extremely happy with my healthy lifestyle. My friend is 57 now. He is dying of liver failure and a host of other maladies. He was so good looking when I met him almost 8 years ago. Now he looks like a very tired and old man with no soul. He is miserable and finds no joy in anything. You are smart to be more mature than your "friends" and stop drinking while you are still young. You won't regret it.

**available** · January 28, 2012, 01:28 AM

Now that AL is gone, so are all my friends.

thanks for sharing your story boh. it does sound as if your "mates" have a drinking problem too but just dont want to give it up. being an alcoholic is not fun and we know we cant stop at 1 or 2 as mentioned and if we fall it is so hard to start again and easier to just say fuck it and keep drinking but we dont want to do that. I am sure you will find more friends, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you without al. Most of my friends dont realise how much i drink as i can go out and behave but once behind closed doors look out. Im trying to change the behind closed doors bit and thus why i am here on this wonderful site.
keep posting and we are all here to support you as friends.

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