Trigger Pulled

[tumadre]

So, I just had to drink tonight. I realize I have not built up my resources enough to cope in other ways, when certain triggers happen. So far, only 4 glasses of wine, but...My 19 y.o. daughter has been home for college for a month, and had made incredible progress in her coping skills while away (her teenage years were VERY turbulent)...Her college friend is staying for a month has been here for only a week, and my 16 y.o. daughter's best friend (who lives 2 hours away) suddenly shows up for 3 days cause her Grandma is sick and in local hospital. I LOVE these friends, and love having them here! However, (long history excerpt), oldest daughter has ability to slack and not take responsibility for her behavior, and had worked very hard on personal integrity while away in Central America.
So, husband came home, kitchen a mess, my car a mess, girls watching a movie, basically slacking and leaving a trail. I'm guilty too of not being "perfect housewife". Lots of estrogen in the air. He laid into daughter about responsibility (it was getting kind of bad, and I'd already banned them from driving my car until they cleaned it up). Plus she is starting to take advantage of us a bit, which really pushes buttons. We all got into a heated discussion, pushed old triggers about responsiblilities, she says we're making her friend uncomfortable... But we really can't have a real discussion without airing old laundry. My fears of her being depressed and doubting herself to the extent that she slips into inertia again is what really worried me (as I sort of figured out later). (Talked to her friend later, to explain to her that she is very welcome her, so she's cool).
I, however, (and this is the whole point of my rambling) dissolved into tears, went into my bedroom, and cried for an hour. My eyes are still burning. I thought she (daughter) had come so far, and now we were having the same conversations (husband over-reacting in anger, when a calm approach would have worked so much more effectively), daughter launching into a defensive, no-breath-between-words tirade about how she's never going to change (which reflects more on her self-esteem than anything else). I know that she's having a bit of come-down/culture shock from all the traveling and introspection that happened while away at school.
BUT! I'm tired of explaining to others why my husband over-reacts, solving misunderstandings, defending another's behavior so that the "offended" understands why the other acted the way they did, so that everyone can see why/how the other feels, and why they act the way they do. I don't want to be in their shoes anymore. I just want to walk a mile in my own moccasins!
I'm tired of being the mediator!
I told my daughter that I just couldn't be the "Mom" tonight and make it all better. I really don't know why I'm feeling so emotionally weak.
Tumadre

[tawnyfrog]

Trigger Pulled

Lace up them moccasins, tumadre .... there's a beautiful 10 miles ahead.

[Wattle]

Trigger Pulled

Hey Tumadre....

Hang tight mate... you will get thru this night... and it will get better... baby go with the serenity now concept ... this too will come to pass...

You are not alone... I to understand triggers..

[Quiescent]

Trigger Pulled

For the life of me I can't remember where I read this but it goes something like this.......

I drink to send myself away.

Tumadre, you not only retreated to your room, but you also drank to retreat from your overwhelming feelings.

I think the key is to realize that no matter how overwhelming those feelings are, not matter how tense the situation, we need to learn that those are normal feelings that won't harm us. These are feelings that will pass if given time to digest them.......and although crying makes us feel weak, I think it makes us stronger in the end.

I think that is what has been the hardest part of not drinking for me......letting all those feelings just sit there and not being able to escape them.......but now that I am really thinking about it......Because I have dealt with those feelings and didn't escape, I do feel stronger

Disclaimer: I am not a therapist and my comments are not a substitution for medical advice:H

[InnerStrength]

Trigger Pulled

Oh Tumadre
I feel for you, sweety.
Those triggers are tough and I emphasize with the need to just go to another space for a while. You are wonderful.
Love you
Jen

[Preciouspinot]

Trigger Pulled

I really wish I could give advice but, I'm learning from all the advice already given.

[MKR]

Trigger Pulled

Dear Tumadre,

Excellent advice given here and Mike is right on with the ability we possess to take care of ourselves vs nurturing all of our family members. Possibly every one is falling back into the old patterns of relating to each other. I know I did for the 15 years I was in the VI, when I went Stateside to visit family, it simply felt like too much work to be the person I had grown into. Easier to be the person they expected me to be. (Maybe this is the case with your daughter, where she has grown and who she has become may be bit too fragile to project to her parents right now as she is just learning to feel comfortable in that new skin.)

I was in couples therapy about 4 years ago although the therapist felt it was my husband's depression that caused the anger levels he would get to, I was ALWAYS "running interference" within the family dynamics. On the side one day, she suggested I tell each of them, they are on their own to have a relationship with each other without me in the mix. That means they take full responsibility for what they say and how it is communicated. Taking myself out of the mix was one of the harder things I have had to do in my life . . . I mean where was my control over the family situations by letting go?

Tumadre, letting go and letting each one know I was letting go took the responsibility off of me and squarely on the shoulders of the kids and my husband. I think it took them all some time to get to the place where they could relate to each other but they do now without my "filters" and it is OK.

Triggers are tough to overcome, today is a new day . . . it will be OK sweetie.

Hugs and Love,
Mary

[Waves 2]

Trigger Pulled

Hi Tumadre,

Sometimes families tick along nicely and then everything just seems to explode and we blame ourselves for not being that perfect being who keeps everything on an even keel!

Firstly, you had a good cry, that lets out some of the tension. You can't guarantee that your daughter only has the best experiences all the time. She has to become a rounded person.

But also, like MKR says, your family have to find ways to deal with each other without you. The weird thing with my daughter was that at the very worst moment of her life when her world turned upside down with total anguish (caused by something that was not her fault but could not be changed) Who did she turn to? Her Dad. What I am trying to say is that other family members have their relationships no matter how much they try to involve us in them and sometimes it's not always obvious just how close they are or how much they care about each other until that relationship is put to the test. And that can only be for the good.

I sincerely hope that you are feeling better soon. But please don't keep on blaming yourself for everything. Easy to say- not easy to take my own advice.:l

Love as always
Waves:l

[Popeye]

Trigger Pulled

Hi tumadre.

Just to let you know that I'm pulling for you.

[wwbarb]

Trigger Pulled

Do I live there?? I've tried explaining to my husband that yelling and spewing out a "list" of past offenses is not going to solve a present situation. If I thought it would work, I'd let him go at it, but it doesn't.

I wish I had some advise to offer, hon. Just step on out and let them fight their own battle. She's almost an adult. She has to realize that he has to explode when he see this "mess", and he, who is an adult, has to realize that "exploding" solves no purpose.

:l I feel your pain.:l

[Beaches]

Trigger Pulled

Tumadre,
Everyone has given some really great advice and suggestions. I like the idea that maybe everyone slipped. Sometimes having all the family around will make that happen. It sure happens around here. Whenever certain members come to town the alcohol just flows because it's a coping device I think.
I am the mediator here as well and am trying to keep things even. My husband is short tempered and seems to lose it over the most ridiculous little things. Especially if he doesn't feel well and then I have to put it all back together so the day can go on.
It's ok to walk away and leave the situation. Your daughter and husband are old enough that they should be figuring out a way to effectively communicate with each other. Heck they've known each other for 19 years now. Start with your husband tell him to breathe or just walk away when he feels himself getting agitated.
I feel for you, I really do.
Please Take Care of YOU
NP

[betty boop]

Trigger Pulled

Tumadre,

I can't follow all the lovely comments with anything different, but just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with....

Take care, Paula xx

[tumadre]

Trigger Pulled

You all could have your Master's in Family Dynamics! There are so many wise and wonderful people here...
I woke up this morning at 5:30 am, when my daughter's friend's Mom called to say that she didn't think her Grandma was going to make it. I guess she's actually refusing to live, because she doesn't want to go on living with the treatments the doctors want to do (leg amputation, and other things). She's 83...I don't think that's old enough to die, but it's not my life.
Thank you, Fan, for pointing out "You didn't really give yourself an "excuse" to drink, but acknowledged you need to find other, better ways to handle these situations and the feelings they tend to generate.... and that perhaps you don't have those in place yet and are still searching and working toward those. Bravo for that, eh?"
Waves "we blame ourselves for not being that perfect being who keeps everything on an even keel"...Isn't that my job? :no:
I have to go pick up my daughter at work...I'll write more later.
Love you all-
Tumadre

[Waves 2]

Trigger Pulled

Tumadre,
Yes, we take that role upon ourselves. But we can't be all -to all -which opens us up to these feelings of failure. Unfortunately, we are only human.

love you TU :l xxx

[Newyear]

Trigger Pulled

Hi Tumadre- I have no kids and no husband but boy do I understand being the moderator.
And it is EXHAUSTING!! I was seeing a therapist about 7 years ago and she asked me why I thought it was my job to 'explain' one family member to another. Why is it my responsibility? I know we all have family responsibilities but you are not responsible for someone eles's actions. I so feel for you and I do understand the frustration and the feeling of not being in control. Not being able to 'fix' everything and everyone...well there is no answer for that so blocking it out with alcohol seems a logical reaction. We just have to keep working on recognizing these trigger situations and coming up with ways to get thru them -or get around them.
I know it is a big issue ( stress triggers) and I think it is one we are all dealing with in one way or another.
You are doing really well though - and posting your situation and feelings here is a great way to work thru things.
:l :l Lisa