Help please

[one2many]

Help please

LEAVE it Jan,

For Christs sake it was NOT a tantrum on his behalf, not if he hurt you like that, you both need to be apart for the moment, at least he is at his sisters where you can visit and he is safe and he is with family.

Taking him home with you now and things will just go back to they way they were and either one of you will get hurt OR WORSE.

Leave him in Bonnie's.

[rubywillow]

Help please

Jan, as with addictions, remember the definition of insanity, repeating the same actions. If you take him home, things WILL go back to what they were, won't they? You know I have special spot for Ollie, but the best thing for him, and the hardest for you now, is to let the others who care help you.
I'm no child expert, love, no training other than substitute teaching in the local schools, but my greatest experience came from having children around me as long as I can remember. Babysitting, cousins, children, grandchildren, their friends. Mine have been through SO many stages, but never physical violence. And I believe it's because they've never seen it. Ollie has, and maybe he saw you as a savior and victim. Whatever, he needs more than your love right now, he needs to understand WHY he lashes out, and what to do when he wants to. I know you're going crazy with worry, but having your daughter right now is a godsend. Don't push her away, she wants the best for you all. Please, work with her, and let this all come out and heal. You can't run from this if you want Ollie to have a happy life. Insist he get's help, but I believe his sister will already be on that. Sometimes Mother DOESN'T know best, dear. There's a lot of love here for you. We've come a long way together.

[red67]

Help please

Jan, i think you really need to let him stay where he's at. He is at your daughters house and a place you have access to. What happens when the next act of violence occurs? It will happen again if you go get him now without either of you having gone to treatment.

This was not a tantrum and you have said this has happened before. It will only get worse. This is not fair to him if you bring him back into your home without getting help first.

What happens to him next time this happens? If they take him from you and put him in a center you will have no control. At least at your daughters house you know what is going on and you can see him.

You are also risking your relationship with your daughter over this. She is trying to do what is right for everyone.

You really need to take a step back, get some help for yourself and think about what is best for Ollie.

[stirly-girly]

Help please

Jan, you asked for our advice. I am answering in the manner I always do. Stating what I feel is the best solution for you and Ollie. I have always done it out of caring for you and your family. If I didn't care, I wouldn't take the time to write anything. I have posted many times suggesting what I think needs to be done as far as you and Ollie are concerned. Myself and others have repeatedly posted here that you need to be apart to heal, both of you, but separately, before you can rebuild your relationship as mother and son based on love and mutual respect. I went back over your posts since the 15th of January and I have made some of your comments "bold" so that they stand out more. These are your words, not mine, and you repeat the same things over and over, for almost two months now.

Jan. 15th

ladyjan;1245224 wrote: Hiya gang,
not read back so not up to speed on wots going on with all..sorry..
I think Im either gonna commit murder or suicide...Ollie is a monster, and I don't say that lightly...That was the first time you said that.

Feb. 2nd

ladyjan;1254942 wrote:
but I've had it..can't take any more he can go to school, that's if I can get him to go and call social services to pick him up, I can't do it anymore, the boy needs professional help..shit..I'm breaking inside..none of you know all what's been going on..
he really needs professional help..
it's breakng my fridging heartYou have said over and over again that you can't go through this anymore. Nothing is going to change if Ollie stays with you. It will continue as it has been for almost two months now.
ladyjan;1254969 wrote: I honest don't know what to do..

even done to the silly point that I gotta take my girls out for wee's etc. but don't wanna leave the house with him in it...
he's in bed now, did a sneaky and gave him half a sleeping tab, not drug, OTC stuff..seems to have worked..

but you cannot imagine the destruction he has done in the house today..

He continued to destroy your and his belongings and you resorted to giving him a sleeping tab to quiet him down.

Feb. 5th
ladyjan;1256211 wrote: hello..
another shit day...really hitting the fan
and I don't read back....seems nobody reads when I write...I know you all care,
but you cannot imagine the nightmare I'm having with him..he has run into his room, and now bashing on the walls, coz he's meant to be doing his homework..
I seriously think he has a mental disorder and needs help..
but nobody listens to me
and when he is with them it's like butter wouldn't melt..

this is hell

I know you realize he has serious psychological problems and needs immediate help with them. We all agree to that. Your last line shows something tho'. Ollie is completely different with other people. I gather he behaves himself at Bonnie's. He doesn't at home because he knows you are afraid of him and that he can control you. He has deep resentment against you and is lashing out at you because of it. Nothing will change if he continues to live with you. He needs to be in another environment. One where he can be treated properly and learn to respect others around him and to learn to deal with and overcome his fear, resentment and rage.
ladyjan;1256213 wrote: RoyalBlue;">if they don't come and take him

I think I might kill him

but it's sunday and nobodies thereYou said it for the second time and were upset that someone told Bonnie about this post. You said that you had just said it that way but you didn't mean it. I have no doubt that you didn't mean it but Jan, dear, we can see all your frustration, helplessness and anger in these posts. And fear of what is going to happen to either you or Ollie if this continues.

ladyjan;1256226 wrote: ginger don't worry I could never do that..I feel like I'm going insane, my head is a mush..

molly you're so lovely you have enough of your own.

but I just don't know what to do, there is zero help on sunday, am sitting here sobbing my eyes out, he's in his room probably destroying it, just coz he had to do his homework

I can't take anymore, I honest can'tYour own mental state will not improve under these conditions and the conditions won't change as long as you and Ollie live under the same roof.

ladyjan;1256604 wrote: it's ok we are alive..
I have to go to the hospital in the morning,
bonnie was here and recorded everything and is gonna show it to the social services..
be honest I feel like getting our passports and flying out of here..
I don't want to lose him again, I would rather dieBonnie did the right thing. The authorities have to know what's going on. Someone's life could be in danger.

Feb. 8th

ladyjan;1258550 wrote: Ollie is a ..I don't want to say what..
but he is kicking me, biting me..throwing everything he can get hold of in my face....
he is asleep right now, I can't take my poor doggies out incase he wakes up..
so not too good..The same thing again...
Feb. 9th

ladyjan;1259355 wrote:
the shit has really hit the fan today..
had to call same as there "999" coz he was going berserk, had big carving knife and big bread knife..
going absolutlety out of control nuts crazy
he destroyed his room again thowing evertything he could at me..

ladyjan;1259360 wrote: the guardia civil came...after about one hour of terror..
I managed to get hold of Bonnie and she came..
They are coming at 8am tomorrow, I don't know whether to take him or what..
I don't want him to go, just need some fucking help
he has a crazy side to him which is NOT normal

..and I have been saying this all along ..but they don't listen..

And the destruction and terror happened again. He's angry and he's dangerous. This will not stop unless he is living away from you.
ladyjan;1259416 wrote: no the social services, the psycholgist...
plust I suppose others....
I don't want to give him away, but this CANNOT contuine

Then as I said several times above and others have said it too, it can't continue. For both your and Ollie's sake.
ladyjan;1259424 wrote: He finally has an appt with psychyatrist on the 1st of march, also the psychologist for domestic violence.....
but why the hell does it have to take so long and sooooo much begging on my part coz Ollie needs help...
he's now 9yys old and picking up big knife to stab his mum with....
WHY can't they listen to me before and give help....

Your words say it all.br />

ladyjan;1259432 wrote: Yes Molly, he's at last asleep in my bed..refused to go to his own, plus it's like a war zone..
I mean it....no joking there..
so he is at last asleep.....I'm gonna go and cuddle up with him coz I don't want him to be taken, and I don't want to volutarily give him for guardia for a short time...
he will never,ever forgive me..
And I could never ever forgive me for doing it......
I am is such an emotional mess..I wish soo much I had a best friend...but he made sure I had none..seperated me from all family and any friends The wicked "ex" I menOllie will forgive you when he realizes why he had to go away to get better. Professionals will help him with that. That's what they are there for. As for forgiving yourself, you won't if you don't allow him to leave you and get the help he needs now. If you don't let him, it will only lead to more problems. And then you will be to blame because you didn't let him go to where they can help him. Jan, I'm sorry to say this, but you are not capable of dealing with this right now since you need to get help yourself. I'm not judging you, I'm just calling it the way I see it.

Feb. 18th

ladyjan;1264360 wrote: Just a quickie before I crash..

I don't think there is any other choice than he is placed is a psychiatrict childrens centre for for help....

it will break my heart and his plus Jamie & Bonnie, but they also know there is a HUGE problem..!

It must be dealt with at this age...not when he get's any older..it could be dangerours ...


as his mum I hate soooo much saying this but I must accept the reality..it will be best for him

These are your own words. I wish you would read them over and over til you realize how right you were when you wrote them.

Mar.2nd

ladyjan;1272720 wrote: being truthful it wasn't the chair I fell over , he whacked me with the cricket bat..I didn't want to tell the guardia civil or my daughter, but I think they suspected it..

it's like going back in time I shouldn't be scared or be second thinking my childs next move, same as I had to do with the father.
Oliver needs treatment NOW before he gets any older, he has already threated to kill our little dog, which he loves very much, but just coz she didn't want to be pulled about the way he wanted...
he has also said he would kill me with a knife when asleep..
Jan, what more do I need to say to you than what your own words say in the post above.
BUT on the other side he is so sweet and good boy and loving...

I've been asleep most of the day on the sofa with his blanket and feel dizzy as hell,I miss him, but I know this must be done..

Bonnie said last night "if you don't denounce (report/complain) him mummy, I will, this has got to stop"

I know she's right...

Listen to Bonnie if you won't listen to us. Deep down you know that she and we are right. Ollie needs to go away.
ladyjan;1272720 wrote: Zennie you once told me you can't just give your child away...and I'm not doing that.I don't think at the time you realised how bad the situation was....
give him away..I fought so hard to get him back, I'm not gonna give up now..he IS half volker but it doesn't mean he has to grow to be him, he is just copying what he's seen
and the poor boy has NEVER had treatment for it..

for as much as I have beggedAgain, as I've said before, you are not giving Ollie away, you are giving him a chance to get professional help now, before it's too late. You need to let him go, Jan. Now.

Mar. 5th

ladyjan;1274290 wrote: But I am NOT looking forwarwd to tomorrow...

I don't want to lose my baby again..even tho this time it's not my "fault" I am scared shitless...

At the risk of hurting you and making you feel that you don't want to post here anymore and that some of us are blaming you, I'm going to be a little tough here and say this. You were drinking again until recently. I checked back your posts and you said so yourself. I think that Ollie knows when you are drinking or drugged and that's when he has a tantrum. He's lashing out at you for doing what you did before that got him taken away from you and put in the centre. He's a smart kid, he knows when his Mum "isn't well". That's what angers and scares him and that's what sets him off. And all the things from his past come boiling to the surface and he turns into someone who is not your Ollie. That's why he needs to be somewhere else and you need to get into rehab or whatever it takes to get yourself clean and sober again. In order to re-establish your relationship with all of your kids and to help you be the loving family that you could be without the anger, fear and violence. Jan, I've taken the time to write this because I care. I sincerely hope that you will do the right thing and let Ollie go and get the help he needs and you will get the help you need. Said with love. Stirly

[rubywillow]

Help please

Jan, as SG pointed out, get well yourself. You can't handle more than yourself right now. You both need help. And you know you screwed up, so the past is that for you now, but it formed him too. He's probably wondering too who he really is, and who he can trust. It's hard at his age already, and he's had a big hit too. So many in care don't have anyone who cares. Love him, always, but help him. You've isolated yourself with this, haven't you? Running, hiding, doesn't help, Jan. Love him in ways that can help both of you.Explain it when you're both well. He will then understand where his rage and your pain come from.
You are so lucky to be loved here by so many, going through this horrible time. Remember, if you make the right choices, there is a tomorrow. So much I wish I could say to you both.

[red67]

Help please

Jan, i hope you are doing ok and that you really take time to read and understand what everyone has taken the time to write here. I am absolutely amazed at the total outpouring of love and support you are getting here. For an online community comprised of people all over the world to take you under their wing and do everything they can to support you is so unbelievably special. It must mean that they all see something in you that is pretty awesome. You are wounded right now and full of emotions and your son is too. You can both get better and be so strong when you do. This is not forever and once you start getting better and he starts getting help, you will be amazed at the relationship you will have with him (and hopefully your daughters too).

I'm sure its going to be hard and very emotional, but you've got everyone here to support you. Just make steps in the right direction and it will get easier.

[ladyjan]

Help please

I know red all you said is correct, and the rest of my dear, sweet friends whom I care soo very dearly about as well..

but 1st thing in the morning I'm gettin the bus to santa cruz, to the courthouse to renounce the denuncia....
I just cannot do that against my 9yr old son......some of you may disagree, but that's my desicion I will not file a criminal complaint agianst my young 9yr old son when it wasn't so horrendous..I need a man here to take him in hand...that's what's missing....

after I will go to the bosses of menores and see what can be sorted, maybe he can stay with bonnie and go also to the (finally)got hold of her, gonna see her when I come back from santa cruz at 2pm...psychologisit of children of victims of violence...

(where I live and all the main offices etc are all in the north, I live in the south have don't have a car..) so it's f'ing hard to jump around to all these gov offices...!

COZ THIS IS WHAT OLLIE HAS NEVER,EVER HAD HELP WITH.....!! HIS ABUSE FROM HIS FATHER, AND ALL HE SAW HIM DO TO ME...

so tomorrow is a new day and I only hope brings new results....

[mama bear]

Help please

good luck Jan!!

[ladyjan]

Help please

mama bear;1276324 wrote: good luck Jan!!

Thx fello Jan...

I cannot bring criminal charges against him..I just can't......no..there must be a better way and that is what I'm gonna do tomorrow...xxx

[JackieClaire]

Help please

ladyjan;1276345 wrote:
I cannot bring criminal charges against him..I just can't......no..there must be a better way and that is what I'm gonna do tomorrow...xxx

In some countries such as Belgium the age of criminal responsibility is as high as 18, while it is 12 in Holland, 13 in France, 14 in Italy, 15 in Norway and 16 in Spain.

Jan, love, you've got me very confused. Ollie's only 9 and well under the criminal age of responsibility so no charges can be brought.

[stirly-girly]

Help please

JackieClaire;1276581 wrote: Jan, love, you've got me very confused. Ollie's only 9 and well under the criminal age of responsibility so no charges can be brought.

I checked out a newer site and it says the age is 14 for criminal responsibility. In either case, Ollie is way too young for criminal charges or criminal complaint, whichever it is, in the Canary Islands.

Jan, I don't see how something wouldn't be done if you went to the Centre for Domestic Abuse. Tell them that Ollie had split your leg open with the cricket bat and that you have papers from the police showing that you had called them because of his violence. Be honest with them and tell them that you have recently been having a struggle with alcohol and that Ollie reacts badly to that and gets violent. You have to come clean and tell the people exactly what is going on. You can blame his problems as much as you want to on what Ollie saw his father do to you, but nothing is going to change in his mind until he gets the proper help. And staying with Bonnie is not the answer. He needs to be somewhere where he will learn discipline and respect and where guidelines will be set for him. Bonnie is his loving sister. She will do the best she can but she's not qualified to deal with his problems and to guide him properly. He has to be somewhere else. You know that he does. No matter how hard it is for you to make that decision, you need to be apart. It is the decision that decides how Ollie's mental state will be from now on. Whether he will stay as he is - angry, scared, confused - or whether he can be in a place where he can heal.

I have said all I can and all that I know to say about this.

[drinkingal]

Help please

I agree with stirly girly, Jan. I know it's hard to put your own guilt about the past aside, and your feelings about missing him, but getting him help is the most selfless, loving thing you can do for him right now. He is so young and has a chance but the longer his troubles go on the harder it will be and the worse they may become. I think you know deep down that it's time he gets the help he needs so that he can grow up into a happy well adjusted young man and not end up a troubled teen and adult.

[RingingCedars]

Help please

Ok my two cents and generally not the generally accepted reply. Jan, while we can reasonably believe that Ollie is acting out due to your recent decline into booze and pills, I think we must not forget that it is possible that Ollie does indeed have his father's lack of remorse, sense of entitlement and other characteristics of a human without true conscience. You just won't know unless he is properly assessed and given new tools to deal with his emotions. I don't want to be an "I told you so'er" but I did say that you will have to be careful to not discount his behaviours. Most of us would not want to paint a negative picture of our own flesh and blood that we love to the bottom's of our being. Again, my heart goes out to you. I would wager with great certainty though, that bringing Ollie home at this time will end in utter disaster or worse, unfortunately. There is the relationship with your daughter to consider as well. If you discount her now, she will not likely be there in the future to assist when Ollie gets out of hand again, and he will. Jan, I remember reading months ago about Ollie being jealous of you being on the computer. A warning bell went off in my head then, although I had no first hand knowledge to really comment. Fast forward and I am reminded of that warning bell now

Please, do whatever you have to to get Ollie AND you the support you need. If you have to speed dial organizations daily or camp out on their doorsteps or move country--please do this. I would hope that Bonnie would keep Ollie in her care while this is all being worked on. I wish you peace, discernment, strength and a successful outcome. xo