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[Tipplerette]

I am so sick of myself. I don?t use any of the tools available to me to give up alcohol. What a strong pull it has on me. I am starting to really lose respect for myself. I must have some unresolved issues that hinder me in following through in reaching my positive goals. This morning I am in tears. In the evenings, I don?t really care whether I drink or not. That is the problem. My resolve is completely gone by the end of the day. What?s with that? I really don?t have the ambition to actually listen to hyno tapes, the consistency to take my supplements regularly or the energy to exercise daily. I feel like such a loser.

I have been called in for a second mammogram; I am 55 years old and alcohol over-consumption is a huge contributing factor in breast cancer. Am I suicidal?

My 30 year old son is an alcoholic. What kind of example am I setting for him?

Why would I choose to live a life in constant cycles of failure?

I thought because of the amount I drink, it would be a lot easier for me to quit than most. What I didn't take into consideration is my weak-willed personality.

I am not looking for sympathy, a kick in the butt or anything for that matter. I want a magic pill. I have been trying to order antabuse but can't find a way to have it delivered to Canada.

Where do I go from here? Maybe deep down I am not happy even though I act happy, never get angry, am nice to everyone and am known to be a clown. It's hard to figure out why my resolve is completely gone at dinner time.

It's tempting just to keep drinking and forget about improving my life. The only problem with that is the monkey on my back won't leave me alone. Nag, nag, nag... my hubby drinks as much as I do and never gives it a thought. We don't miss work, we never fight, we live a great life.

Last night I opened a bottle of Chianti which we drank with supper. Then we went to see our friend's new home and she and I split another bottle of red. So I drank a whole bottle on my own. Feel ok physically this morning but emotionally I am so down about last night.

I feel like running away and hiding from all the social activities that seem to surround us. Maybe that's the place to start.

Sorry for the rant. You guys have been so supportive and must be so sick of hearing this little crybaby whine over a daily 1/2 bottle of red wine.

If you are still reading and have achieved some A/F time, what was your plan? I can't do anything consistently. It's a wonder i brush my teeth daily. :upset:

[GingerDust]

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Tipplerette;1277401 wrote: Why would I choose to live a life in constant cycles of failure? . . . What I didn't take into consideration is my weak-willed personality . . .
must be so sick of hearing this little crybaby whine.

Goodness, Tip, if anybody said the mean things to me that you say to yourself, I would eject that person from my life. Addiction is really HARD. It's hard for all of us. It won't help to pound yourself into the ground over it. That only makes it worse! You don't need to drink a liter of gin every night to be miserable, obviously! No one hear is going to deride you because you don't drink enough to qualify.

You know that I went the Antabuse route and haven't looked back. I'll send you a PM. We'll figure a way around this. Where in Canada are you?

You don't know what the call back on the mammogram means yet, and you can't do anything it until you do know. In the meantime, it's a waste of energy and time to freak out about it.

Hang in there! We'll figure out a way to help you through this. :l

[caper564]

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HI Tip,
I am in ontario and i get Antabuse from the IDA in burlington. I will PM you and we can talk abotu how you can get it..

hang in there
caper

[Tipplerette]

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Without a prescription? My doc won't prescribe.

I think my original post was one of surrender. I think it's the first step for me. Today is a new day but I just can't continue in this cycle of failure. I have to try new approaches.

I will check for your PM's. I thank you both.

[K9Lover]

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Oh Tipps :l
Please don't beat yourself up. Addiction is hard and you are only human. Nobody got it right the first time (or the 100th even, in some cases). And I don't think it's about the amount you drink either. Addiction gets it's claws into us on many levels. Please do not give up! I get my Antabuse through a prescription so I don't think I can be much help there...but please accept the help Ginger and Caper have offered. I'm thinking of you and sending you strength and love!
K9

[Tipplerette]

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Many thanks, K9 Lover, my sister in Seattle will order it for me and send it over. Problem solved. Now to work on the other aspects of sobriety.

[GingerDust]

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That's great news! The antabuse made all the difference in the world to me, and I bet it does the same for you. :l

[mama bear]

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Tip...you can order it online at goldpharma.com without a prescription

[sunshine_gg]

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:l Darlin

This all sounds very familiar... to me, and many others, I'm sure. Although, I drank a lot more than you do, the never ending cycle of vow to abstain and subsequent opening of bottle is much the same. For me, too, Antabuse helped a lot. If you have a solution to get it, great.. if not, please let me know and I'll spend some time online and find something for you.

Chin up, Tippy. I firmly believe that your mindset is the first thing that has to change and it looks like you're getting there.

[Unwasted]

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Tipps, it's definitely not about the amount - I didn't drink much either compared to most people, but it was ruining my life. Addiction is a horrible affliction and we've been drinking for so long. Just think, at least for me, I drank every single day of my adult life. No wonder it's hard......it's all I've ever known. I started at age 14 and I'm almost 60.......Fuck is all I can say. Then, suddenly I decide I don't want to drink and find I can't stop. Believe me, I feel your pain. I swore off so many times. I just got miserable enough that I had to do something.

I still feel vulnerable, so don't think that all of us who are racking up days are out of the woods. We aren't. That's why I ordered Antabuse and why I've started going to AA meetings (which is SO not me)......

Regarding a plan.......I had to stay away from social events, period. I've had to be a hermit, but with the full intention of changing that as I get stronger. Staying away from people who are drinking has been paramount for me. There are times I wonder if I'll ever be able to be around drinkers again. I'm really hoping to make some AF friends through AA.

Sending you peace and strength - and I'm glad your sister is sending you the AB.

:lilheart:

[rubywillow]

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Tip, I'm a few years older than you, and this has been a problem for me for 15 years. Thankfully, my children chose not to follow my example, as they were teens and I preached to them all the things I wasn't willing to follow. Even now I'm dealing with the fallout for my grandchildren, who I love more than my life.
It's not the size of the mountain, Tip. It's about OUR own personal goals and problems. We can never compare ourselves to those who drink much more or those who've found a way out, but to ourselves. We are unique. And if it bothers you, then it is too much. You are not happy with with your AL intake.
We can't use anything but ourselves to decide if there is a problem. There are ways to get Antabuse, I'm sure, as others have offered. And yes, I believe there is an underlying problem with each problem drinker, but thats for therapy, right? What you shared about the wine experience is not problematic in itself, unless it is for you. All the tools and advice are wonderful, but sometimes we have to have a jumpstart, like Antabuse, while we clear our heads. For me it was rehab, and I learned a lot about me, and the people who love me. You are worried about your son, I know, but you can't help him till you're in a better place.
It's SO common for us to hop out of bed with good intententions, then as the day and habits go on, we wonder. Maybe just a sip? Nawhh. Unless we've resolved the issues, that sip isn't good enough. This is all too complex, but let me ask - you've had offers to help you obtain Antabuse, but will you take it and use your sober time to treat the other issues? Have you tried any type of rehab? Mine didn't take at first, but to this day I don't forget, still use what I learned. Do you have support? Obviously, your doc isn't in the loop if he won't prescribe it.
Don't quit. You just haven't found the right path for you, Tip. Unfortunately, real or perceived problems are things we have to deal with always. But if you're concerned now, from what you've said, at least remember you haven't cost $1000's of dollars, embarrassed yourself and family, etc, yet. It's time now to make a decision, and I wish you only the best with what you do. There are so many things out there now, so many places to help, and eventually they help us understand ourselves and our lives better.

[Supercrew]

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What I didn't take into consideration is my weak-willed personality.


The reality is you have a very strong willed subconscious. As much as you say you aren't going to drink your subconscious won't allow you to break the cycle because it learned at some point that you enjoy drinking. Even though drinking is now bringing you pain consciously, this strong willed subconscious continues telling you that a couple drinks is what you really want.

The brain is an amazing thing, and it's interesting to see how we let it rule our world a makes us do things that we really don't think we want to do. The antabuse "solution", and all of the other things we do to try to fool our subconscious into changing and making it believe that "we can't ever drink", is kind of funny. You trained your brain into believing that you love and need alcohol. It believes you can't have fun without it, you can't relax without it, you can't function without it. We know that those are all lies. I am sure in your youth prior to ever tasting alcohol you had fun, relaxed and functioned quite fine without it. How did you do it?? Wasn't it impossible to get through the night without drinking? Was your brain crying out, "please poison me ande make me feel like crap tomorrow!" No, because it wasn't part of your world. It wasn't an option.

I realized that when I had the hardest time quitting and would fail over and over it was because of 2 things, number 1, I really didn't want to quit, and I still derived pleasure from it, and number 2 once I finally derived no pleasure from it I focused on "I can't drink anymore"...which was a lie, because I could drink and focusing on a lie made it real easy for me to drink over and over again.

When I started focusing on sobriety and why I loved being sober, instead of "I can't drink", my perception changed. I was no longer depriving myself, I was treating myself to sobriety and health.

I will say it again, you get what you focus on. write out the pro and cons of drinking versus being sober, and focus on why you loves all of the great reason to be sober.

Antabuse might work for alot of people, but I look at it as some sort of jail that you lock yourself in, but you have the key and can use the key a couple of days after you decide. Doesn't seem like a great detterent to me.

Anyways, good luck and keep on trying.

[Bean]

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Tip, I hardly post here but I've been following your struggle and I really feel for you. Have you ever considered rehab and would it be an option for you?

I spent 10 years really trying with varying degrees of motivation, desperation, success and failure to get off the merry go round of addiction. Nothing 'worked'. I never tried antabuse or any other drug to quit but I went to rehab last October and have been sober since.

The BIGGEST thing that I learnt there was about my powerlessnes over my addiction. Let me make this very clear so you can stop beating yourself up about it: your failure to quit is NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING WEAK WILLED.
I used to think the same, I personalised my consistent failure to stop and stay stopped, thinking it was some sort of character defect. It isn't. Before rehab, I was absolutely opposed to the concept that addiction is an illness. Now I accept that alcohol affects my body differently to other people. I knew logically and rationally that it made me sick, depressed and unhappy but on an hourly/daily basis, my mind would also tell me that it didn't. One of the common AA sayings is "addiction is the only illness that will tell you you haven't got it".

You've said yourself that you don't drink enough to affect you physically but it seems to be wreaking havoc on your emotional well being. I DID drink enough to affect me physically but in the end, the bigger problem was that I felt completely broken spiritually and emotionally. Void of any ambition, self esteem or ability to see a happy future. I wanted to die actually.

The counsellors in rehab really drummed it home that once/if you are not physically addicted to something, the problem lies in the mind. This is why people relapse after many months or years. Their body is not physically craving but their mind is.

Anyway, I'm rambling and I meant to write a quick message! But I wanted to reach out and reassure you that there are still options out there. You know, I've also found since I've stopped that all sorts of amazing things have happened and doors have opened that wouldn't have done. I've started my own business for one thing and it's going really well. AND I have a lot of times when I just feel a bit 'meh' for no real reason. I'm choosing to ignore it for now, knowing that in time, it will change. Better than feeling 'meh' and suicidally depressed and hungover at any rate. Anything is better than that!

Wishing you strength. Hang in there and please PM me if you want to ask more about what rehab is like. Bean

[Tipplerette]

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Going out for dinner and will reply when I get home

Overwhelmed by all the positive feedback.

You are all incredible.

Be back later.

[GingerDust]

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Supercrew;1277509 wrote:
Antabuse might work for alot of people, but I look at it as some sort of jail that you lock yourself in, but you have the key and can use the key a couple of days after you decide.

For your analogy to work, alcohol would have to equate to freedom when in reality is a nightmare.

What the antabuse does for me is buy time between the hot button moment when I impulsively want a drink and the moment when I can safely have a drink. It's not a couple days to think about it. It is at least a week. The other great benefit is that since I canNOT drink no matter what (for at least for a week), the thought of drinking quickly subsides and other thoughts and ways of thinking are allowed to flourish.

It's great that writing out the pros and cons worked for you but, frankly, if it was that simple, alcoholism would not exist.