Is It Too Nice in Here?

[CollieMom]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

Mmmm-mmmm. Lots of food for thought here. My perspective, as someone nearly brand-new, is this: At 1 a.m., last Thursday morning, not really looking for a way out of daily drinking (though it made me despair almost every morning), I happened on MWO. I was stunned. And so, so grateful. Couldn't believe that there was a place where people spoke honestly of their drinking and their need/wish to stop, their efforts - sometimes successful, sometimes not. I felt as though I'd walked into the most glorious green meadow, filled with hope and kindness.

I would not have lingered at a site where the tone was harsh. That'd be too much like the German ancestry household I grew up in. "SHAME on you You VILL do this! MY way is the right way."

Yes, I've been surprised - already - at the numbers of posters who slip and come back and slip and come back again. It almost makes me feel like i HAVE to slip as part of the process. But, realistically I know that's not so. (And reading through Doggygirls entire story last night, I KNOW that even those who slip can eventually achieve their goal. Yay, DG!)

We each are finding our own path. And I prefer to find my path in the midst of caring people who've trod it before me, or with me, who have heart and soul and experience, and find it in their hearts to reach out a hand.

[CollieMom]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

Almost forgot - With no prior intent on that particular 1 a.m. morning - I immediately made the decision to TRY to stop (to stop!)..and have made it through Day 5 with much more ease than I would have imagined - which I totally attribute to the time I'm spending here, reading and learning. :thanks:

[sunshine_gg]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

fennel;1279406 wrote: Particularly when those "opinions" are unkind or nasty.

Personally, I don't think there is room or need for any unkindness or nastiness here. And, I haven't seen it happen very often. While I believe this forum to be fantastic on all sorts of levels, all written communication has the draw back of failing to express tone, facial expressions and body language that are so often as important (if not more) than actual words.

All in all, though, I think we all are doing a pretty darn good job of supporting each other and extending a hand/ear/whatever when needed. I know that I would not be here, having lived sober for 5 months for the 2nd time, if it wasn't for this community.

Btw, welcome CollieMom and congratulations on both, your decision to stick around here and conquering day 5

[Supercrew]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

After reading through some of the posts in this thread I would like everyone to know that the other forum that I used was in no way brutal, or demeaning or "holier than thou". It is a very supportive, positive and upbeat forum. The only main difference was the main focus was getting sober now. If people slipped or relapsed it wasn't greeted with a walk of shame and "I told you so", but it was normally answered with "what are you going to do differently this time" along with a plug from about a specific program.

So I don't want to draw a picture that shows I used to belong to the recovery gestapo forum, because it wasn't that at all, and friendships were formed and people were caring and nice and not insulting. But there might have been more of a feeling of decisiveness on having to get out of this life or death situation now. I do understand for many on this forum that they don't see drinking versus sobriety as clear cut as life and death, and for many people it isn't. For me drinking probably wouldn't have meant immediate death, but I treated it like it was. By me treating it as something much more than just a bad habit caused me to fight for my sobriety like I was fighting for my life.

I made many friends and was very active in the other forum and I equate alot of my success to the positive support I received there, but they did help me hold myself accountable to my daily actions, and sobriety was held like a badge of honor and I wanted what those people had and I was happy that although I could talk to anyone about all of my drinking issues I knew that they wouldn't let me skate by doing it half way.

Anyways thanks again for the replies, I am really enjoying the thread!

[choice]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

Very interesting. :thanks: supercrew,

I hit a point I think just before I was a year AF that I got annoyed with people who were making goals and then not sticking to them. Specifically if it was a thread where we kinda made a pact to go 30 days.. or something like that. Now I know that it is just a reality, as upsetting as that can be.. It is very hard to stop drinking if your addicted. I never thought people were too nice though... I was glad they were because it kept me in check. I learned how to distance myself from people who were in different stages in their journey. For posters I "knew" personally.. I'd feel sad for them if they slipped. For posters who kept "slipping" weekly I think it was they just couldn't stop drinking. I felt let down, but that was only because I was riding on the strength of the initial more power in numbers idea. I had to get over that. While it is helpful when you can quit with a group, I think it comes down to a personal commitment to oneself to stay quit... at all costs. During the first 3 months of my AF time.. I was obsessed with re-laps, so scared when I'd see it here. The fact is there are so many ways out, and what's working or not working is posted for all of us to figure out what individually is going to work for us. I would get annoyed when people who had decided to be AF then turned to the moderation threads... then I wouldn't see them anymore and be sad because I missed their advice. Right now I think I'm just starting to understand what a grip Alcohol can take on a persons life. I really, really thought I would never slip. But I did. So, yes I was very glad I was welcomed right back in with the same love and understanding that I was offered when first coming to the site. I think when I got sick of other people struggling I needed to take a break from MWO and work on other parts of my plan.. This is just something that I think is always going to be a tweaking process to stay quit. Also, I think it's important to always remember.. there by the grace... it could be me. :thanks:

[sunshine_gg]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

:H:H @ Recovery Gestapo

[Nelz]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

I dont think the board is too nice at all. I for one admire the people that come in here and admit their slips. I dont see how jumping all over people for making a mistake would help. Its a very compassionate accountability thing around here.

Pretty sure people beat themselves up enough on their own, at least I know I do when I make any sort of mistake.

I honestly dont see why anyone that "thinks" they have a drinking issue would even consider moderation, but I am not their keeper.

Heaven forbid, I give in someday, Id like a few pats on the back.

[FlyAway]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

LibraryGirl;1279412 wrote: What bothered me were some of the posts that kept repeating every day with, well I did it again. I went one day and now I'm drinking. I'm back though and I will be accountable, only to come back again and say, well I did it again.

I agree with you 100% and that's why I've been hanging out in the abstinence threads. In the past I mostly stayed in the "Just Getting Started" section and found a lot more of what you are describing. Not only that, I found myself investing so much energy in trying to keep other people sober that I stopped focusing on myself.

As someone else said, there seems to be an area on this site where just about everyone can feel at home.

[scottish lass]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

Great observations.
As someone who has been doing the on again/off again posting - I have managed 66 days AF in the recent past - I have cut down my AL intake HUGELY in the last year - and I know I am making progress.
I am possibly one of those people who annoy others by saying Day 1 too many times, but I also know this is the very first time that I have logged into a website day after day after day. What I have achieved for myself may not be what everyone else wants for me.
I would love to be AF and believe that I will be one day, but it is not today.
I have found so much support here that has allowed me to work thru why/how and what I am doing. There are some threads that are harder than others - and I return to the threads that work for ME.
I have wondered if this "home" has been too pleasant for me, but I also know that if I was not comfortable I would leave - and that would be so sad as I know I have come a long way in my journey to be healthy and safe.
I have related to people who have trodden the same path, I have not been judged by other who have found different paths. I am an intorvert who has found a safe place to be.
I know I could do better, and do it quicker, but I am not sure that in the long term I would be more successful than I am being now - and for that I am grateful
Great question Supercrew!

[Turnagain]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

Supercrew...

I really enjoy your posts. They are thoughtful and....direct. You are not shy about speaking up- that's for sure! I share your desire to let others know about life here on the other side. Like you, I spent too many years of my life in a drunken haze until I was able to commit all the way to being free of alcohol. It was the ONLY way for me and, from what I see around here, it is the only way most folks who frequent MWO will ever get their lives back.

I came here knowing quite a bit about the biochemical issues with alcohol and the brain and the effect of alcohol on all the parts below the neck. I was hoping to find a way to cut back and drink under control. Had it not been for the people who were consistently writing honestly, but compassionately about letting go completely of alcohol and sharing their positive experiences on that other side, I would most likely still be drinking and slowly dying.

The commitment - the acceptance - was the missing link for me. AND it's the support and ongoing reinforcement on this way of living that keeps me on track. There are some amazing community leaders here. You are one now, too. I appreciate your voice and concern.

[Supercrew]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

Thank you Turnagain, and everyone who posted. It's good to hear what others think. Again this post wasn't meant as a knock on this forum, just an observation. I was lucky and found my solution, and I enjoy trying to help people who want it. But sometimes what we think we want and what we need are 2 different things entirely. Thanks again!

[Pinecone]

Is It Too Nice in Here?

Supercrew, thanks for this discussion! This is an extremely interesting thread! I would say yes and no to the original question.

My (unorganized) thoughts on this issue:

I think people use this virtual space differently. I use it as my primary support group, and I have learned so much from people who are on the road with me. I came here when I was worn out from drinking, not physically dying, but psychically exhausted. I was beyond ready to quit.

I think some people come here before they get to that point, because they are at a different stage, and they want to explore the issues of cutting down, moderating, learning about addiction, etc.

I know that I would appreciate tough love. I am not sure that that is for everybody though.
I have always held off on calling people out, out of fear of scaring them off. I might through a PM, if I thought I knew that person pretty well.

I don't know what to post in someone's relapse thread, so I rarely do. It can't be ok with the group and a private hell for that person (does that make sense?). It is something that I have not resolved.

Thanks again for making me think about this stuff!